3 Differences Between Self-Awareness and Self-Abuse

Whenever I talk about imposter syndrome, there are inevitably a few comments that essentially say:

But humility and self-awareness are good things; we should all keep ourselves in check once in a while.

And I don't disagree in general terms. But.

Imposter syndrome and the set of feelings that surround it is very different than just a healthy sense of self-awareness in three key ways. And it's important to point them out.

1) Persistence and pervasiveness.

A normal person occasionally does a gut-check to make sure they're not getting too full of themselves, or that they're taking their own achievements and accomplishments in stride.

By contrast, people who get steeped in imposter syndrome broadly and consistently denigrate their own work and accomplishments, and even when they're successful, they can't internalize it. They don't save the gut checks for specific moments; checking themselves becomes a persistent habit that's often laced with cruel self-talk ("God, I'm so stupid to even think that I had any business in that meeting, I'm a disaster...").

It's the difference between someone who largely eats healthy in a balanced way with occasional treats, and someone who obsesses over every morsel they put in their mouth and starves and deprives themselves constantly. One is balanced, one is a disordered pattern (and one I know very well personally).

Self-awareness is occasional and contextual, while the kind of self-doubt that comes with imposter syndrome is perpetual, constant, and habitual.

2) Downstream (and cumulative) negative impact.

People with a healthy sense of humility and self-doubt use that to fuel their work and get better. They've got a fire in their belly to do their best, but they also know that sometimes it doesn't work out that way, and when their work goes sideways for a tick, they dust themselves off easily and get back at it.

Those with damaging patterns of self-doubt instead get stuck there. And as a result, they throttle themselves and don't even bother to pursue many opportunities because they've already decided in advance that they're not capable or qualified.

It's the difference between someone going for a new role they think they're qualified for and not getting it, and someone not even bothering to apply in the first place because they've already told themselves that they're not remotely fit to do that job (even if they are).

People with imposter syndrome and associated feelings routinely and regularly hold themselves back, and that pattern can actually be self-reinforcing. As they stagnate, they feel less and less able to move forward, so they get mired in the doubt and never really reach their potential.

3) Resisting and downplaying evidence.

Someone with a healthy sense of self-awareness knows that they can always improve, and they're motivated to stay humble so they can stay in learning mode.

And while those with imposter feelings also know they can always improve and many of them also like to learn and absorb new things, they don't embrace their successes even when they have evidence to back them up.

Have you ever heard someone after a successful accomplishment do the "yeah, but I just got lucky" routine or the "I didn't really do anything, I just did what I was told" thing?

When you're humble in a healthy way, you make sure to share the credit and point out the contributions of others, but you're able to internalize your role in the outcome and feel good about it enough to add it to your mental file of things you did well.

By contrast, people who are their own worst and most damaging critics not only eschew credit, but they will actively and internally dismantle that accomplishment, brick by brick, and tell themselves why it wasn't real in some way or another. They're not just doing the "oh, this old thing?" false humility game externally, they're doing this damage privately in quiet and dark moments, and the result is that they convince themselves that their good work is only because they lucked out on timing or circumstances, not because they actually did anything.

Over time, that can erode confidence completely in very damaging ways.

The Goal: Balance

The goal with going toe to toe with imposter syndrome isn't to become some crazy egomaniac who thinks they can never do anything wrong and never takes a hard look in the mirror.

The goal is to lock in the healthier patterns of self-awareness to replace the persistent and damaging behaviors of self-abuse that many imposter syndrome sufferers heap upon themselves.

We all have moments where we feel a little out of our depth, and there are good, balanced sets of tools we can use to stay aware, stay humble, and embrace the fact that we always have something to learn.

But it takes practice to shift that narrative from "I'm not good enough for anything" to "I'm always going to work to improve myself, but I'm also plenty good and valuable enough right here, and right now."

When we can find that balance, we're in a much healthier place to step into our best work and make a distinctive impact on the world.

Got 5 minutes? I'd love your help with my research survey on imposter syndrome and social media use. You'll be helping me with my upcoming book, and I'll be sure and share the findings once the research is concluded. Thank you so much!