3 Phrases to Eliminate Right Now

In the words of Marcus Aurelius, “Our life if what our thoughts make it.”  Or in other words, the thoughts we think and the things we tell ourselves, ultimately create the life experience we live.  So, it’s worth examining what you are thinking and telling yourself and what you are creating with those thoughts.  This is especially true for common phrases that we think and say to ourselves over-and-over again.  When these phrases prevent us from living the life we want, we should consider eliminating them from our vocabulary.  Here are 3 to consider:

“I Can’t…”

In my part-time job as an Acro dance teacher, I nudge my dancers out of their comfort zone as they learn and try new skills.  As a result, “I can’t” comes up a lot.  I first tried the push-up approach.  Any time a dancer said “I Can’t” we would all drop and do 5 push-ups.  We did a lot of push-ups that year, but my kids continued to say, “I Can’t”.   The problem with I Can’t is that it stops us in our tracks.  There’s nowhere else to go.  Story over.  No problem-solving.  No growth. 

What to say instead:

I have found that when one of my dancers says, “I Can’t”, what they really mean is something else.  Maybe it’s, “I’ve never done that before” or “I don’t think I’m ready”.  Often, it’s simply “I’m afraid”.  In general, we say “I can’t” when we don’t think something is possible, usually based on past evidence or current circumstances out of our control. Sometimes, we say “I can’t” when what we really mean is “I don’t want to”.   If we can identify what is really going on and say what we really mean, we can figure out exactly how to then move forward.  

“I should…”

"I should" and its relatives, wreak havoc in our lives.

• “I shouldn’t…”
• “I have to…”
• “I shouldn’t have to…”
• “I need to…”
• “I’m supposed to…”

They are all made-up restrictions we impose on ourselves.  Some we make up all on our own; some we were raised or socialized to believe.  And some may come from someone else.  Regardless of who makes them up or where they come from, they all impose limits and are incredibly disempowering.  

Most of us would agree that “We have to pay taxes”, right?  It’s the law.  But of course, we know, that there are people who don’t pay their taxes.  So those people must not share your belief that “we have to pay taxes”.  The truth is that you don’t have to do anything.  You always get to choose.  You choose to pay your taxed because you don’t want to go to jail.

What to say instead: 

1. The first step in banishing “should” statements is to identify every single time one of these phrases may be driving or influencing your decision making.  

2. Start questioning these beliefs.  

• Who says, “you should” and WHY?  
• Do you really “have to” or “need to”?  And WHY?  
• Keep asking WHY and see what the answer reveals.  
• Think about someone else you know that might disagree with you.  This helps you to see that there are other ways of thinking about the situation.  

3. Think and speak about your desires and decisions in an empowering way.  

• “I want to…”
• “I choose to…”
• “It’s important to me that…”

Acknowledge that you have a choice, and you are choosing based on your own desires and values.

I don’t know (and I don’t know how)

 “I don’t know” is another dead-end thought.  It leads us nowhere.  It cuts us off from accessing our problem-solving abilities.  It’s often an excuse that allows us to simply avoid taking any further action.  And all too often, it leads to quitting.  

What to do instead:

There are a few strategies you can use when “I don’t know” rears its head.  

1. Simply ask the question, “If you did know, what do you think the answer would be?”.  This question forces your brain to access its own wisdom and creativity.  It provides an opportunity to practice solving a problem.  And the more you ask your brain to practice doing this, the better and faster you will get.  

2. Make a list of all the things you do know, that are relevant to what you think you don’t know.  You will usually find that you know more than you are giving yourself credit for.  Objectively noting all the wisdom and knowledge you already have will help build confidence.  And you will clearly see what knowledge is missing so you can go seek out what you need.  In other words, this strategy will help you identify the next step you need to take to move forward.

3. Simply commit to figuring it out.  Problem solving is a skill and like any other skill, the more you practice, the better you get.  But when you stop at “I don’t know”, you deny yourself the opportunity to learn and grow.  

By using one of these strategies, you can ensure that “I don’t know” no longer prevents you from moving forward and making progress.  

So, remember, “Your life is what your thoughts make it”.  And some thoughts are better than others.  “I can’t”, “I should” and “I don’t know” lead to pain, frustration, and confusion and prevent progress and growth.  If you want to feel and live better, consider eliminating these phrases.  I promise it will change your life.