3 things your mom could teach you about leadership

Some weeks ago, while dining in the company of a dear friend, I was surprised to find her in a fairly cynical and self-critical mood. Upon inquiring after her state of mind, I learnt that she was struggling with the challenge of returning to the world of work after having taken a few years off to look after her son, now a charming little boy of four. The dinnertime conversation rapidly took another turn at this point as she shared with me not the frustrations of a job-seeker that I expected to hear, but asked a question that I found quite heartbreaking - "Why would a company want to hire someone who took a 3-year break for parenting? What would she have to offer?" This, from a competent professional with 8+ years of work experience and still-relevant skills in marketing as well as training! Somehow, in her mind, the time spent in being a new parent had diminished her value for potential employers. She saw herself as "less" and I refused to stand for it.

I've witnessed, in my family and network, the challenges faced by both men and women when they return to the workforce after a long spell of being the primary caregiver for a dependent (e.g. a child). Companies ask them all kinds of questions to "justify" why they had "taken a break", they need to persuade their employers that they can learn quickly and bridge the gap, and in some cases, they compromise on salary, position etc. just so that they can get a job. It's hard enough to face this kind of opposition from the outside world, without adding some generous doses of self-doubt/deprecation to the mix! Instead, I think we should flip this thinking on its head and see how the experience of of parenting shapes a person's potential to make a positive difference when they return to work.

So, over the next 30 minutes, I engaged my friend in a conversation about what she could additionally bring to the table as the result of being a full-time mom for a few years. What began as a curious exploration, turned into a set of points that I think are worth attending to. We felt that an immersive and healthy experience of parenting can powerfully shape attitudes and attributes that are sought after in the modern workplace; and are otherwise pretty difficult to develop in a "classroom"! Some of these are:

Putting your people first

Simon Sinek stresses a simple point in his book "Leaders Eat Last". His basic point is that true leaders take care of their people before they care for themselves, even if it means putting themselves in harm's way. In return, they receive the care, loyalty and productivity of well-developed team members and depending on the context, that can make the difference between life and death, or surviving and thriving.

When a tiny, vulnerable life becomes your priority, your self-importance falls and that can be a beautiful experience. Parents learn instinctively to put the needs of their children before their own and they take joy in the development and progress of their children. They also know that if they invest time, effort and energy in raising their children well, the entire family stands to evolve as an ever-stronger unit, day by day.

People who expand this capacity (to care for other ahead of themselves) from family to workplace can have a marvelous impact on work culture as they find it easier to build trusting relationships, which in turn help to foster a climate of psychological safety.

Giving them the space to fail, learn and succeed

Experienced parents learn to be patient and to expect mistakes as their children develop. Simple acts, of walking, eating and other basic self-care acts can take forever, with hundreds of falls on the way to skill mastery. And as the children grow there come so many experiences with school, games, interpersonal relationships etc. that they run up against. They still stumble, fall, hurt themselves. But they grow at every step, especially if their parents know how to provide a stable and supportive foundation. They learn to fail fast, persevere and get it right soon enough. And this creates a strong foundation of personal security which is crucial to sustaining the spirit of exploration, experimentation and curiosity. I've seen parents who are good at this develop children who surprise them with their resourcefulness and talent in many different areas. In my earlier article "I was free to fail and it changed my life", I have explored this very point in more detail.

Organizations wax eloquent today about the need to have leaders who make it safe for others to fail, learn and then succeed. I think good parents learn how to do this without a B-school journal guiding them or any other aid for that matter! And if they can channel that learning to their professional environments, they can build climates in which it is possible to innovate and discover new things. Who doesn't want that?

Meeting uncertainty with agility and resilience

I once saw a boss of mine close a big decision, instruct her one-day-old house-help on how prepare her aged father's mid-day meal, talk to her daughter about some of her recent health concerns and finalize her points for a big speech, all in the span of 45 minutes. She did this right after powering through an unscheduled 2-hour meeting to address an emergency in the business. When I asked her how she was able to do all this without breaking a sweat, she laughed and said she developed both resilience and agility raising two children in a 2-bedroom apartment, while juggling work and caring for 2 pairs of senior citizens, for well over 20 years.

Her abilities are not different from those of other seasoned parents who immerse themselves in the experience of raising a family, while balancing other priorities. They develop the agility to move from one situation to the other, constantly re-orienting and changing course to keep things going. They learn on the go and they learn to adapt to ever shifting demands in the spheres of work and home. And if that isn't an ability that leaders need to thrive in a VUCA world, I don't know what is!

By the end of dinner, I think with this line of reasoning, I managed to convince my friend that her experience of being a parent had not diminished her in any way, but had equipped her with qualities that will enable to her to add more value than she thinks, when she returns to the world of work. Yes, finding the right job is going to be vital, but finding her new voice as a talented professional with the new strengths bestowed by being a parent is really the first step. I wish her all the very best and I hope you will wish her the same; her and every other parent out there, doing their very best to integrate the professional and personal elements of life.

#leadership #returntowork #parenting