4 Practical Tips For Bringing Your Best Self To Difficult Moments

“If I really want to improve my situation, I can work on the one thing which I have control – myself.” 

-Stephen Covey

We have all experienced moments when they have acted in a manner that causes them to look back with regret and remorse. When we experience negative emotions, we see the world through a distorted lens. Stressful situations cause our advanced thinking processes like strategic thinking, trust-building, and compassion to shut down. Our instincts tell us it is time to fight, flight, or freeze. The goal is to resist the natural urge to react immediately during difficult situations and use our emotions to inform our actions instead of letting emotions define our behaviors.

4 Practical Tips For Bringing Your Best Self To Difficult Moments

1) Pause

Victor Frankl said, "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response."

Our brains and bodies are hardwired to react when we feel threatened. This is why many well-intentioned, skilled, and competent individuals make awful decisions that negatively impact themselves and others. Understanding your physical responses to negative emotions helps you know it is time to pause. Pausing allows you to choose your behaviors based on goals and values rather than reacting to temporary negative feelings. What are your most common physical responses to negative emotions?

• Clenched jaw 
• Shallow and increased breathing
• Rapid heart rate
• A sinking feeling in your stomach
• Flushed face 
• Increase in sweat

The ability to pause and regain focus enables you to choose your best actions versus reacting out of fear, anger, loss of control, or frustration. Pausing allows you to regain balance and perspective before taking action. Pausing allows you to regain balance and perspective before taking action.

2) Breathe 

Most people understand that our breath can calm our minds and emotions. However, because breathing happens automatically, most people do not give the breath as much attention as it deserves for calming our minds and emotions.

One of the reasons breathing can change how you feel is that emotions and breathing are closely connected. You can change how your feelings by using your breath! It is difficult to change your emotions using thoughts alone - try "talking yourself out of" intense anger or anxiety. Learning to breathe is a powerful tool for regaining your balance from negative emotions.

Inna Kahzan, a clinical instructor of psychology at Harvard Medical School, recommends a 4:6 ratio — 40% of the breath cycle spent on inhalation and 60% of the breath cycle spent on exhalation. The exact breath count that is most helpful for you may vary based on your natural breathing rate, a rough estimate of what this ratio would look like is to inhale for a count of 1…2…3…4 and then exhale for a count of 1…2…3…4…5…6, where each count lasts one second.

3) Identify and Label Feelings

High-stress situations shut down the part of your brain that helps with advanced thought processes like strategy, trust-building, and compassion shuts down. The act of simply recognizing and naming an emotion reduces its effect, making thoughtful management of your behavior more accessible. In other words, putting your feelings into words helps you. 

Research clearly shows those who are the quickest to recover from distress are the people who can identify their feelings and put those feeling into words. As neuroscientists like to say, naming an emotion helps you tame it. Developing the ability to identify and label negative feelings helps you become less stressed, which allows you to think more clearly and creatively when finding constructive solutions.  

4) Choose Your Best Intention

Our behaviors are a direct reflection of the mindset that we bring to any situation. Emotionally competent people do not blame circumstances or conditions for their behavior. During challenging interactions, a leader can establish a long-term orientation by aligning their “in the moment” intentions to their goals and values, which helps them to:

• Shift the focus off barriers and towards what they hope to achieve
• Choose actions that represent their values 
• Live in harmony with their larger purpose
• Not react to temporary negative emotions

Taking the time to answer these simple questions enables you to bring your best intentions to your most difficult situations. 

1. What are my long-term goals for this person or group of people?
2. What are my best intentions for my next interaction with this person or group of people?

Applying these 4 practical tips when confronting complex and difficult situations will allow you to bring forward your best self to your moments that matter most.

BONUS: DOWNLOADABLE PDF'S ON SELF-LEADERSHIP

Response Vs. Reaction

Mindfulness In The Moment

Leadership Behaviors That Support Well-Being & Motivation

An Equation That Delivers Results

SOAR Self-Leadership Checklist

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

I am the President and Founder of ClearView Leadership, an innovative leadership and talent development consulting firm helping executives and managers bring their best leadership self to their most challenging situations. I am the author of, Getting It Right When It Matters Most: Self-Leadership For Work & Life. You can also follow me on Forbes to see my latest articles on Self-Leadership and Leading Others.