4 Steps to Better Boundaries

This article is based from a session I hosted with my Bravely Connected Community. We were exploring boundaries—a concept that is deeply personal and unique to each of us. Whether it’s with children, partners, family members, or colleagues, boundaries are essential to creating healthy, sustainable relationships.

Why Boundaries Matter

The topic of boundaries is particularly timely during the holidays when expectations often run high. These stories remind us that boundaries are not about controlling others but about managing ourselves. They empower us to advocate for our needs and foster mutual respect in our relationships.

You Are a Powerful Person

“You are a powerful person who has the power to make powerful choices.” This concept formed the foundation. A powerless person often tries to dominate or control others, whereas a powerful person focuses on managing their own inner world. By recognizing that we have a choice in how we allow others to treat us, we can take the first step toward setting meaningful boundaries.

The goal of this blog is to help you create a plan for maintaining healthy boundaries—not just during the holidays but all year round.

The Bravely Connected Method

As a mental health and resilience specialist, I’ve developed the Bravely Connected Method based on 25 years of experience. This approach integrates principles from my book, Bring Them Closer, and emphasizes that belonging creates resilience. A key aspect of this method is attunement: attuning to yourself so you can attune to others. Tonight, we’ll focus on using this process to set boundaries.

Step One: Attuning to Yourself

The first step in setting boundaries is understanding your own emotional state. Here are three questions to guide your attunement process:

1. What has been your resting emotional state lately? Keep this focused on the present. Your emotional state might include a mix of feelings, such as excitement and fear. Write down the emotions you’re experiencing.
2. What does that emotion sound like as a sentence in your mind? For example, if your resting emotional state is worry, your internal dialogue might sound like, “Are we going to be okay?” Identifying this sentence helps bring subconscious thoughts to the surface.
3. What behaviors are coming out as a result? Notice how your emotional state and thoughts influence your actions. For example, worry might lead to overdrive—working excessively or micromanaging—which can result in exhaustion.

The goal of this exercise is to observe without judgment. By identifying your emotions, thoughts, and behaviours, you’ll gain greater awareness of your inner world.

Applying the Attunement Process

This model can also improve communication with others. For instance, after a chaotic morning of clashing schedules, I used the attunement process to apologize to my family:

“This morning was crazy. When I was running into you, I felt overwhelmed, which made me think, ‘How am I going to handle everything?’ This led me to lash out.”

By clearly articulating my emotions, thoughts, and behaviours, I was able to repair the situation and reconnect with my family. This approach not only fosters understanding but also strengthens relationships.

Step Two: Identifying What You Can Control

Boundaries begin with managing ourselves. To move forward, we’ll explore what is within our control.

Brainstorming Controllables

Take a moment to brainstorm everything in your life right now that feels controllable. Set a timer for one minute and list as many items as you can. Examples might include your daily schedule, meal planning, or how you respond to situations. Once you’ve created your list, reflect on what actions you can take regarding these controllables. For example, if chaotic mornings are a stress point, consider waking up earlier or coordinating schedules in advance.

This process helps shift the focus from what others are doing to what you can control within your own world. It empowers you to take actionable steps to create a more balanced and manageable life.

Recognizing the Uncontrollables

Next, spend one minute listing the things in your life that feel uncontrollable. Examples might include others’ behaviours, unexpected events, or external circumstances. While these may feel overwhelming, every uncontrollable can be met with a coping strategy. For instance, if you’re spending time with challenging family members, plan breaks, engage in self-care, or schedule time for yourself during the day.

By acknowledging what you cannot control, you allow yourself to focus on healthy coping mechanisms that reduce stress and build resilience.

Creating Boundaries Using a Simple Formula

A practical way to establish boundaries is by using this formula: “When you [specific action], I will [your response].” This approach shifts the focus from controlling others to managing your own behaviour. For example:

• “When you take over the bathroom, I will wake up 10 minutes earlier to ensure I have time to shower.”
• “When you speak to me disrespectfully, I will walk away.”

This framework allows you to communicate boundaries clearly and assertively, reinforcing your commitment to managing yourself rather than trying to control others.

Building Belonging Through Boundaries

Belonging has a strong connection to boundaries. One participant in the webinar reflected on the revelation that everyone carries insecurities and struggles, often masking them in various ways. Recognizing this universal truth helped her see herself as equally valuable, levelling the playing field of relationships. This insight reinforced the idea that belonging starts from within—it’s about accepting ourselves, knowing we have something valuable to contribute, and recognizing that others are navigating similar challenges.

Understanding Differentiation: Managing Your Emotions and Reactions

The first step in developing healthy relationships and boundaries is knowing where you are emotionally. This involves tuning in to your own emotions, thoughts, and behaviours. In mental health, this is referred to as differentiation—the ability to recognize your own mood as separate from others’.

Consider a scenario where you walk into a room and feel an overwhelming tension, as though the atmosphere itself is charged. This reaction isn’t mystical; it’s scientific. Your brain is wired to connect with others and pick up on their emotions, creating an environment that influences you. But when you differentiate, you can identify your emotions and avoid being swept up by the moods of others. This allows you to make powerful choices based on your own state rather than reacting impulsively to someone else’s anger or frustration.

Taking Ownership: Controlling Your Own Responses

Step two in the process is about self-management: “When you do this, I will be doing this.” This mindset focuses on controlling your own responses rather than trying to manage someone else’s behaviour. For example, if someone’s anger is directed at you, differentiation allows you to stay calm and choose how to respond, rather than mirroring their anger.

Building Empathy: Attuning to Others

The third step is understanding what might be happening for the other person. What are their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors? While it’s important not to make assumptions, this process can serve as a communication model. You might say, “I noticed you were hesitant to share your thoughts. Did you feel uncertain or embarrassed?” This opens the door for clarification, fostering understanding and empathy.

Good communication helps you determine whether a boundary is necessary. Often, we put up walls—not boundaries—because we lack effective communication. Resilience lies in repair, which begins with clear and empathetic dialogue.

Holding Your End of the Rope

Every relationship is like a rope with two ends. You control one end, and the other person controls theirs. How you hold your end is critical. In challenging relationships, such as during a mental health crisis with a loved one, the way you manage your end of the rope will differ. Sometimes holding your end might mean creating a boundary, while other times it might mean stepping away entirely.

For example, in a toxic workplace, holding your end of the rope might mean resigning. With a close family member, it might mean learning to communicate effectively while establishing a healthy boundary.

Boundaries vs. Walls

There’s an important distinction between boundaries and walls. Boundaries protect relationships worth preserving, while walls distance you from individuals who might cause harm. You have the power to decide which relationships to prioritize. This decision often involves grief, as even those closest to you might need to be moved to an outer circle of your life for your well-being.

Letting Others Own Their Decisions

Part of creating boundaries is letting people own their decisions. For instance, if a child procrastinates on a school project and expects you to fix the situation at the last minute, it’s an opportunity for them to learn responsibility. Similarly, when adults in your life act poorly, it’s not your job to rescue them.

This principle also applies to creating belonging. True belonging starts within. When you stop expecting others to validate your worth and embrace your own sense of belonging, you can make powerful decisions that reflect your inner confidence.

Reimagining Relationships: The Bullseye Model

Think of your relationships as a bullseye. The center represents your closest connections—the people who love and support you unconditionally. The outer rings are for those who require boundaries. This dynamic can shift over time. A friend who once held a central spot may need to move to an outer ring if the relationship becomes harmful or strained.

Even within the closest relationships, such as a marriage, you might need temporary boundaries to protect your heart while you heal or work on communication. Repair doesn’t mean everyone gets full access to your heart; it means you thoughtfully decide where people belong in your life.

Managing Yourself and Repairing Relationships

Ultimately, the goal is to manage yourself—your emotions, thoughts, and behaviors—and learn to repair relationships when possible. This doesn’t mean allowing everyone back into your inner circle but rather understanding where they fit and ensuring you maintain your emotional well-being.

Reflection: How Do You Hold Your End of the Rope?

Ask yourself what you need to hold your end of the rope effectively. For parents, this might mean carving out alone time or finding moments of peace during chaotic days. For others, it might involve clear communication or firm boundaries. Each relationship is unique, and your approach will evolve based on the situation.

Tools for Continued Growth

For those looking to deepen their journey toward belonging and emotional resilience, practical tools were shared:

1. The NeuroCycle App: A 21-day program involving daily audio sessions and journaling to guide emotional healing and cognitive restructuring.
2. 45-Day Brave Belonging Journey: A personalized audio program designed to help participants strengthen their sense of belonging. Each 5-7 minute session breaks down the process of finding inner belonging into actionable steps. Contact me here for access.

Next Steps

This workshop encouraged us all to take ownership of their holiday experience by applying these tools and concepts. Whether navigating the complexities of family dynamics or fostering a deeper connection with oneself, the message was clear: You are a powerful person who has the ability to make powerful choices.

A Journey That Continues

Here is the template we used to create a boundary plan for the holidays. If you want to join my Bravely Connected Community, you can check out the info here.

Want the boundary plan visual? Just email me at Connie@conniejakab.com