The 5 Stages of LockDown: Work/Life Balance

In the beginning

On the lead up to Lock Down I felt an immense pressure to make the right decisions for my family and my business. Two of my children are high risk, four of my workforce are high risk — the fear of not acting fast enough for them vs the fear of being over cautious and detrimental to the business, was all consuming.

When Lock Down came I was relieved. I was relieved not to be exposing myself and my team to the virus. I was relieved that I didn’t have to call daily shots to ensure everyone else’s safety. I was relieved that my 2 eldest kids were now completely shielded from the outside world. I was relieved to think everything had stopped.

But it hadn’t.

Our family is made up of; 2 Adults, 1 Teenager, 1 Pre Teen, 1 Toddler and 1 Part Time Preschool.

My partner Chris, works for a US Company and is expected to continue to work to his full capacity.

I am the MD of a Timber Building Co. It is my responsibility to ensure that the company is funded and survives. The unexpected interest in people continuing to buy from us was not factored into my initial commitment to working for my business during Lock Down.

Our daughter Luna who is 2 years old, went from 5 days a week being looked after by either her private nursery or her grandparents to now being looked after 7 days a week by her parents alone.

Our daughter Sophie who is an 18 year old Acute Asthmatic, was due to move into her own flat on the day Lock Down came into place. I had already been shielding her for 16 days. Sophie, a furloughed chambermaid, was now staying at home for the foreseeable future.

Our son Patrick who is an 11 year old Type 1 Diabetic, was due to transition from P7 to High School — he is also going to an entirely different school from his friends. Patrick missed out on the last day before Lock Down and what may possibly have been his last opportunity to see his friends at school because I had already been shielding him along with his sister.

Our son Spencer who is 4 years old was last with us on Sunday 15th March. At the time we had no idea that his mother would not agree to him continuing his routine with us. We haven’t held our lad since March 15th.

So as we wade through the enormous clusterfuck of emotions that go along with a global pandemic — each human in our house is now trying to figure out how now to exist.

In the very time we can’t see each other - all I wanted to do was see people! I wanted to speak to people, to find out how they were TRULY managing, to see if I could help them, if they could help me!

Trying to make decisions for G&M and for my family, I needed to voice my concerns… So naturally I took to social media.

I asked specific questions on LinkedIn, Instagram and Twitter.

1) uninterrupted hours of work per week

2) how many children

3) partners status WFH/Furloughed/OffWork/KeyWorker/DontHaveOne

4) mental health (out of 10)

5) Any individual key observations

A couple of weeks later I asked:

What is the percentage split between you and your partners right now for all household/support/childcare work.

Throughout the feedback I asked further questions to help understand each individual. I have included the responses in my report and kept their anonymity. Thank you to everyone who opened up and shared, some no doubt for the first time.

Forever grateful for showing me your vulnerability X

The Five Stages of Lock Down

A loss of identity and a way of life.

I think what has become hugely apparent within the research I have done to make sense of how we are all coping with our new found life — is the Five Stages of Lock Down; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

Let’s not pretend that “normal” was better. Let’s not confuse ourselves with the idea that how we would ‘normally’ behave, react, accept and entertain is anything to romanticise about. We can, however, agree it was ours to make and so it is ours to lose.

It is vitally important to realise that everyone is going through this cycle and everyone is doing so at different times. For example, if you look at the stance of the UK government vs the Scottish Government — it would be fair to assume Westminster are somewhere in the bargaining phase, whereby Scotland is in its ‘oh too familiar’ depression phase. And as we come through the stages we learn from each.

Let’s take a look from a ‘working from home’ perspective…

STAGE 1: Denial

My Sales & Marketing manager Nicola, is the only other person working with me whilst everyone else at G&M is Furloughed. Nic and I try and get a call each week to catch up and check in on each other.

Nic’s openness to me doesn’t come easy… I know this because I’m overbearing, pushy and loud and Nic is thoughtful, deliberated and selfless. When Nic does speak, it comes straight from the heart with complete sincerity…

“Everything is working much better now that we’ve stopped trying to cram our outside into our inside…”

Hands down the best description for what every single one of us did in the first few days/weeks (and maybe even still now) of Lock Down. Nic reflected back to me exactly how I was behaving (and failing).

Teenage Counsellor, Primary School Teacher, Nursery Nurse, Cleaner, Cook, Full Time Managing Director and Supportive, Understanding Mother/Partner.

All whilst dealing with the overwhelming emotion of WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!

Uninterrupted Hours

One big question I asked about how families were coping related specifically to the uninterrupted hours of work that was getting done.

A couple I know run their own business together and they have one toddler. Pre Lock Down they were able to achieve a 17 hour working day between them within the normal working hours of say 8am — 5pm. Post Lock Down they were achieving 11 hours and splitting childcare between them. However they were also working at night to “catch up”.

Night time working echoed in a lot of the feedback I received.

Some weren’t able to get any work done during the day, because their partners are Key Workers or have no flexibility in daily hours or are a single parent. One family, of 2 Primary School Age and a baby had Mum working during the day and then Dad not starting work until 10pm working until 5am then back to bed until 12noon to then get up and do the afternoon kid shift.

Now, I don’t know about you but I’m fucking exhausted just typing that routine.

The split shift idea makes sense and seems like the logical approach. It’s likely already an organic structure in your home — (think; who cooks tea, which one of you do pick up/drop off etc) without the pressure of lock down — so why is it not working?

One respondent… Now this lady knows her shit. She keeps it together, she’s what I’d call an allrounder. Decent banter, dedicated mum and outstanding entrepreneurial skills feeds back the reason split shift is not sustainable.

The Swap Over

Maintaining, gauging and forcing motivation is EXHAUSTING.

Society teaches women to work like they don’t have children and to raise children like they don’t have to work. So when it comes to multitasking and splitting ourselves in two, three, four we’re pretty well equipped.

However, the intensity of which lock down presents itself means there is no escape. You are the School, you are the parent, you are the friends house, you are the grandparent sleepover, you are the netball practice.

We have parents who are constantly wired to the next task. Even sleep doesn’t get priority…

“What I find so exhausting, is not just trying to do work with kids around, it’s also then flipping straight into making food/entertaining/bedtime…”

This has to be identified as the most damaging solution to an already fucked situation.

The denial must be confronted with WHY. Why are we doing it this way? A rational, calm thought out conversation between you, your partner and the kids — coming together to make sensible decisions that work for everyone…

Except that’s not what happens. Well not straight away. Instead anger happens.

STAGE 2: Anger

The best quick round up of Anger I could find was from MentalHealth.Net

The Physical, Emotional and Behavioural signs of Anger definitely need to be pointed out here. Not just because they’re uncanny to my exact behaviours regardless of Covid BUT in list form we can truly appreciate and take comfort from knowing we’re understood.

Some physical signs of anger include:

• clenching your jaws or grinding your teeth
• headache
• stomach ache
• increased and rapid heart rate
• sweating, especially your palms
• feeling hot in the neck/face
• shaking or trembling
• dizziness

Emotionally you may feel:

• like you want to get away from the situation
• irritated
• sad or depressed
• guilty
• resentful
• anxious
• like striking out verbally or physically

Also, you may notice that you are:

• rubbing your head
• cupping your fist with your other hand
• pacing
• getting sarcastic
• losing your sense of humour
• acting in an abusive or abrasive manner
• craving a drink, a smoke or other substances that relax you
• raising your voice
• beginning to yell, scream, or cry

Don’t Let Fear Control You

Anger is a direct result of fear.

Everyday we are consumed by fear and worry for what might be… The virus itself, our loved ones, our jobs, our kids schooling, the media, the government…

And whilst we’re consuming all that fear and worry we all make our own assumptions, priorities and judgements without necessarily consulting another, not to any great depth anyway. Millions of decisions are made on a daily basis as if it were any other day.

But it’s not any other day, it’s a Pandemic day.

So when we set down our expectations in insurmountable circumstances, we are of course setting ourselves and everyone we influence, up to fail.

And when the failure comes, so does the anger.

Resentment, The Result of Failure.

Resentment builds and you find yourself staring through the glass paned door — glaring at the back of his head as he sits oblivious, working uninterrupted in his closed office. Meanwhile, you’re crumbling under the promise to not raise your voice AGAIN to your two year old terrorist whilst working on a BILS application that your business relies on to survive.

A lot of what I’ve heard stems from the lack of guidance given to those still working through the Pandemic. The vast majority of respondents have both partners working, and it’s those families I recognise the most in this report as that’s exactly my position.

Asking people to share their darker side to shed light on the true pressure has been difficult, so I shared a slight snapshot of mine. Most of what I experienced in the earlier weeks of Lock Down aren’t unfamiliar to me. I struggle to communicate in any way that requires me to either ask for help or remind, provoke NAG someone. I cannot abide nagging.

The differences in personalities pre COVID for all of us under one roof were already annoying as fuck. So multiply that by a million and we’re ready to kill. It’s no surprise that China’s divorce filings have increased by 25% in March alone. Spending all this time together isn’t healthy, it’s destructive to many who are in already volatile relationships and will bring out the worst in most.

Anger is a Bad Fuel

One respondent confided in me about the aggressive, manipulative struggle they are facing being in Lock Down. I won’t share the details because it doesn’t feel right.

However, I will say they’re safe. Although WE might be finding our co-habitants irritating we are very much in control of how we respond, react and either add to the frustration or defuse it.

The same can be said about how we project our anger on public platforms. For the 3% of the population that use twitter, you’d be mistaken in thinking that it’s the window to the world.

It’s not. However, the addiction for some is very much their world. Gaslighting, Cancel Culture… It’s just modern day witch hunting and public flogging — users would do well to remember that when screaming directly in the face of their fellow human beings.

“There is no more stupefying thing than anger, nothing more bent on its own strength. If successful none more arrogant, if foiled none more insane — since it’s not driven by weariness even in defeat, when fortune removes it’s adversary it turns it’s teeth on itself.”

Seneca, On Anger, 3.1.5 (The Daily Stoic — R. Holiday & S. Handselman)

Watch yourself in the aftermath of your anger and see how little you have achieved.

STAGE 3: Bargaining

The “what can we get away with” part of the story… The rules of Lock Down are clear, until they’re not. We have spent weeks/months at the mercy of those who do not know us, who do not understand and will never walk beside us.

And as they deliver their guidance on what’s best for the country as a whole, we are held to account by the laggards of our society. Our ability to adapt is only as fast as the slowest adopters. I know, when I’m beat. I’ve been to the darkest corners of my mind and so my understanding of what I am capable of is clear, to me.

Forgive Your Bargaining

A friend said something to me that helped me forgive my bargaining.

“Luna going to her nannies is not a failure. It’s a reality that our lives were not designed this way… There will be no 10/10 awarded at the end of this. Just life and sanity.”

The bargaining comes from when you foresee the inevitable as too unattainable or unbearable. In my case, I am letting you know I cannot do what I am responsible for without help.

The bargaining comes from a desperate plea with your children, to forgo their needs for yours. It’s the grappling of minutes from each time-blocked task to help get it ‘over the line’ It’s the forfeit of health and fitness for some mind numbing alcohol relief.

It’s the deep sigh of sorrow as you close the bedroom door on the sleeping sweetest thing that doesn’t deserve a stressed out upset mother, as the promise of a better day flutters through your battered brain.

One respondent shared his thoughts on how refreshing it was to see everyone making allowances during “this difficult time” and that it would be good to recognise that people can be having a difficult time without a pandemic, and that we should all take a lesson from this.

But will we?

Are the allowances refreshing?

What Allowances?

The same respondent has reduced his working hours to 35 meaning he takes a Friday off. I can bet you his output is likely the same or better but his employer gets to pay him less for it. One of the things that fascinated me at Uni was the lessons learned about the Psychological Contract between Employee and Employers. The level of certain manipulation that will be rife among both Employers and Employees is something that I’m very interested in — Companies who do not have trust, we undoubtedly face catastrophic losses from both sides as they try to navigate the new world.

Most respondents who are working from home have said their employers have been flexible with them on what’s achievable whilst working from home, however I haven’t heard nor seen the results of this. The language being used isn’t progressive, it’s reactive about managing the immediate with little or no consideration for what’s yet to come.

Measure Outputs not Hours

Nic and I are currently working on outputs, which basically means we’ll manage what we can, within the time we have and family comes first. The pay is the same regardless of hours.

So far we have secured our BILs Funding, Council Grant, Furlough and £150,000 worth of Lock Down sales. Nic is leading the development of our new website and satisfying her typical Marketing role.

We also had a call this week whereby we stared at each other, fed up. We compared how knackered and DONE we were. We listened to our words and fed them back to one another — recognising it was time to stop, we did. No emails, weekend off. Everyone can wait until mid week for a reply. We’re done.

As the news broke this time last week of Boris’s new road map it became almost instantly clear to me, that as a mother and an employer — I would have to make my own plans.

Nothing that appears important to our UK government has any relevance to my existence or that of anyone I know. There are two crucial factors to our ongoing bargaining — how we respond to the virus and how we now adapt to our new lives.

The biggest mistakes are made in haste without an ounce of patience. Every decision I make on behalf of G&M and of my family must be done with complete consideration for our new life. Bargaining with the way things were is just not possible, not if we wish to move forward.

Employers need to do more to lead by example. Governments need to do more to make it possible for employers to do that.

STAGE 4: Depression

Understanding your own mental health is a task most of us really cannot be arsed getting into let alone manage. We subconsciously go about our days, likely blaming external influences, especially people, and rest easy in the comfort of our own denial — completely oblivious that personal change could be the solution.

Shifting our own mindset out of toxic waters is without a doubt the second hardest thing to do. The first is recognising the water is bad in the first place.

I asked 5 questions across twitter and LinkedIn, number 5 was how people rate their mental health.

The responses came in over the course of the week. Early respondents were keen on the 7/10 mark. As I asked more questions I felt there was still an overarching need to be “coping” or at least be seen to.

However, I’m a skeemy little fucker and like to read between the lines.

You’ve got the ones who are out for blood — disguising their internal turmoil with outrage and opinion based bullshit — “what about me, where’s my money? That’s no’ fair” right next to the ones dancing the denial tightrope “everything is awesome, look how amazing I am coping”.

But…There is always a but.

Meltdowns

There is a lot to be said for the positives of Lock Down. Many of us are rekindling old childhood caravan holidays; board games, colouring in, jigsaws. Some are picking up dusty instruments wiping back the years of neglect. Others are building, restoring, baking. Anything to fill the time we had originally planned to spend being BUSY OUT OUR NUT!!

And that’s been great for the best part of 3 days. Before the meltdown comes…

Periodically we’re feeding a cycle of positivity… Isn’t this great, look at that gorgeous sunset… We picked wild garlic and royally fucked up a sourdough… How about you? Zooming grandparents who were managing just fine before they were forced on an iPhone. Then it comes to a tipping point, possibly the uncovering of Bambi 2 on Disney + whereby you scream to an empty living room (kids long gone, left you watching that shit)

“WHAT THE FUCK! I CANNAE DO THIS ANYMORE!”

Then there’s the Key Workers who leave and then, walking back through the front door, they’re scunnered — No different now that we’re in Lock Down, just the same as before except — kids are bouncin’, kitchen’s riddled and there’s a mountain of laundry tripping the final steps to bed. Everyone’s talking about all this extra time — the media is feeding a massive home holiday sensation and all they’ve got is more shit to do.

Having meltdowns isn’t a coping strategy. I recognise when I’m at risk of a meltdown when I start making stupid mistakes, like leaving the handbrake off, putting butter in the oven and handbags in the fridge. I know my meltdowns stem from creating an urgency over all the “things” I like to pile onto my lists. I wake each day with a sense of ‘got a lot to do today so need to get started pronto’ that’s a good indicator that my list is already unmanageable.

Overloading is the number one culprit for a meltdown. Are you overloading?

We all get to choose what is important and what is not. Make sure that you’re not creating unnecessary urgency for yourself — Remember no one cares if you don’t manage to do that ‘thing’, they’re too busy worrying about their own lists.

Loneliness

Can you think of a time when something or someone made you feel vulnerable or alone?

Maybe when you were younger as a child or teenager? It could be a time spent in a toxic relationship. It could be a loss or a trauma — It could be your own mental or physical health…

A time when you felt you had no guidance, no clear path, no direction…

No one to help.

I want you to remember that time as if you’re looking in on yourself, your past self. I want you to see yourself in that moment of vulnerability and then I want you to imagine what you would say to them as if you were standing right next to them.

“Everything is going to be okay.”

The emotion we’re feeling for our former selves is empathy. The action we want to take to help them feel safe is called compassion.

Understanding that right now in Lock Down, many of us are experiencing a time of vulnerability — I am trying to be more compassionate to those around me.

From the respondents who engaged with me, they all had something in common, they all needed to be heard.

You do not have to be alone to be lonely. We all have certain people in our lives that provide energy and aid to our woes. It’s also most likely that you do not live with those people.

I have a number of incredibly good looking pals who live on their own. They’re sound, stable and full of life. However, all this time on their own isn’t boding well… It pulls at their insecurities, questions their life choices, criticises their existence. You know what it’s like when you’ve spent too much time on your own and the internal dialogue just won’t shut the fuck up!

Well… it’s repeating, daily for some.

I have an issue with my weight — and it can be somewhat dysmorphic at times but mainly I just absolutely batter myself about what I’m not doing and how heavy I am.

When I’m with my girlfriends they make me feel better. When I leave the house, I make an effort, when I have things to look forward to I exercise and eat healthily. Lock down provides none of those things. And so although I’m not physically alone, Chris can’t support me in this. This is my loneliness.

Someone asked me recently what has been the best advice you’ve received about mental health.

For me, I used to suffer from PTSD panic attacks. My Auntie Kate taught me to understand that the way I am feeling, the way in which I am manifesting — is only a moment. To acknowledge it, give it its moment and then move on. By doing this the attacks became less frequent because I knew they would end. I knew it was only a moment.

Hard decisions, worrying times and upsetting losses, I’ve used the moment logic so many times throughout the years since.

The mental strain we are all under is something that I do not believe is being properly addressed by our governments. When the priority is to re-start the economy before families, I can’t help but feel we’re being spun a big ball of shite.

STAGE 5: Acceptance

“When the cure becomes more of a risk than the virus itself.”

(my Mum)

3 of the respondents (that I am aware of) have children with additional complex needs. As I read their replies I couldn’t help but feel comforted by their tone — such a level of acceptance was already met… As if they’d seen it all before.

They have.

These are the kinds of families who have fought harrowing health and wellbeing battles. Many have lived out months at a time in Special Care Units unable to hold their kids or do normal things you’d expect to do as a parent.

I have had brief encounters where my children have spent time in hospital. Sophie has had life threatening Asthma attacks followed by prolonged Pneumonia on several occasions, resulting in days spent in hospital by her side. I had to be her parent by myself whilst her Dad continued to work to keep a roof over our heads. The first time this happened Soph was 5 and I was 19.

Nothing is normal in those circumstances. You exist whilst everything else stops — it’s just you and them, all your heart and soul is poured into willing them to survive.

Resilience

Pre COVID, these families had built a resilience to their far from normal life. This typically involved; Grand Parents, Support Groups, Charities, Government Funded Placements. All of which have been stripped, crippling the very foundations that enable them to survive.

One respondent said;

“Many families with special needs kids are at the end of their tether anyway and this will push them to breaking point”

It is however, that very same resilience that has helped them respond so rapidly to COVID and LockDown. The early adopters, the community of survivors among us who know oh to well what disaster looks like.

These respondents have adapted their lives, yet again. They’ve built up new eco systems to support the needs of their children and to manage their own mental health. They’ve set aside time to properly plan with their partners — who is responsible for what. They look after each other first. I asked LinkedIn about gender roles and where the split is in share of Household chores — expecting to know the answer. It turns out if your family is already up Schitts Creek then it doesn’t matter if you’re mum or dad, it matters that shit gets done.

I have read some beautifully compassionate responses from people who recognise their partners and kids as; trojans, heroes and force shields of their little world. The gratitude shared has been so humbling, they’re not telling me how little their partner is doing, how much they have to do, how pissed off they are at their ungrateful kids, how shite it is being trapped at home with their families.

They’re telling me that they are trying their best to do more for their loved ones.

Going Forward

“Standing still is the fastest way of moving backwards in a rapidly changing world”

(Lauren Bacall)

The world keeps spinning, and although it may feel as though we have stopped. We have not. Children have grown taller, hearts have grown fonder and we have all experienced a new level of Self Awareness — no more so than the ones we look to lead us.

I have been massively pissed off and disappointed in the way in which our country has handled this pandemic and as I gleefully scrutinise every announcement they make, judging their inability to relate to me, you or anyone who face adversity throughout their poor choices… I know as human beings it’s not exactly fucking party time for them to quote our FM Nicola Sturgeon

“Never in my entire political career have I ‘enjoyed’ anything less than this. My heart breaks every day for all those who have lost loved ones to this virus.”

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I cannot deny that being forced to stop is exactly the advice I’d give to anyone about to make a monumental decision that will shape how we survive this.

As much as the LockDown was met with the one key priority of protecting the NHS it has served a much greater purpose. It has allowed us to come to terms with the severity of what we are faced with — it has created a new way of truly listening to one another. It has allowed businesses, communities and authorities the time to restructure, recoup and prepare for life after LockDown. It has highlighted the areas within our society that suffer the most (let’s not forget their suffering existed before LockDown) — Domestic Abuse, FoodBanks, The NHS, Child Poverty, Mental Health — forcing our politicians to take action, to do something to help.

The 5 Stages of Lock Down; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

I would love for us all to appreciate that as we move through these stages, we do so at different times. The best thing to come from asking questions and sharing thoughts about how everyone is coping is that people did share. They opened up and they let me in. By telling me how they felt, even if it was just a quick list reply, they were acknowledging what was going on with them and I believe that’s what will lead us all into acceptance.

As the doors open and the faces we love are being re-seen, we will have already changed. Going forward we will take with us the biggest lesson of all.

Compassion.

This article has also been published on Medium - LINK

If you need to get in touch with me my email address is: cara@gilliesandmackay.com