5 steps to build your confidence

“Your lack of confidence is holding you back.”

I’m not sure why it feels so embarrassing to admit to having received this kind of feedback throughout my life.

Maybe because I worry people will take me less seriously if they think I lack confidence. Maybe because it feels like a personal failing rather than a skill to improve upon. Or maybe because it feels like the kind of feedback that’s impossible to act on. 

After all, it’s not like you can just snap your fingers and magically become confident overnight. Unlike learning how to recruit or coach or facilitate a training, confidence isn’t a skill to learn over time. It isn’t a question of effort or commitment.

Either you have it or you don’t.

Right?

A few months ago, I walked away from a webinar I hosted and realized I hadn’t experienced any of the chest-seizing anxiety I usually struggle with leading up to a public-facing event. Instead — and much to my surprise — I had approached it like any other part of my day-to-day work: prepping accordingly and then tuning in to host the event with the same nonchalance I carry when dialing in to a team meeting. 

In fact, the entire process had felt so natural and anxiety-free, that I hadn’t even noticed just how easy the entire thing felt until I looked back after the fact and realized I hadn’t spent the entire morning beforehand painstakingly agonizing over every single slide.

The more I reflected on this, the more I realized: It wasn’t just public-facing events that had made the quiet, subtle transition from ‘a thing that causes me panic’ to ‘a normal task that feels like second nature.’ It was everything. 

Coaching, creating trainings, drafting proposals, sharing my opinions.

And just like that, I realized that somewhere, somehow, I had developed confidence.

But how?

As it turns out, confidence — like most things in life — can be learned over time.

Sadly, I have to admit that my own confidence didn’t come through intentional effort. 

Because the thing about lacking confidence is that it makes it hard to see just what it is you need to change in order to build your confidence. 

Truthfully, telling someone to build more confidence is about as effective as yelling at someone to quit dropping the ball and be a better basketball player.

It’s just not specific enough, which means there isn’t a clear action to take other than beating yourself up over it and wishing desperately to wake up one morning and just feeling more confident. 

If you’re reading this with a pit in your stomach — either because you’ve been on the receiving end of said feedback or because you’re struggling to articulate this kind of feedback in an actionable way to someone on your team — fear not. 

After much reflection, I’ve boiled it down to 5 steps I (inadvertently) took to build my confidence over time, and that everyone can start doing today.

Focus on solutions, not problems. (AKA: The growth mindset)

What does this have to do with confidence?

I remember interviewing for my first Head of People role, and thinking, “What the heck am I thinking? I can’t do this. I’ve never led an entire People function before!”

But here’s the thing about that line of thinking: It makes no freaking sense. 

Think about it. 

By that logic, no one should apply for a driver’s license. No one should ever try to bake. No one should sign up to play a sport.

After all, they’ve never done it before. Therefore, they can’t. They shouldn’t even try.

It’s such a ridiculous line of logic that it’s almost hard to take seriously. And yet, this is the kind of logic people use every day to hold themselves back from taking on new challenges.

Instead of focusing on all the reasons why you think you can’t do something, start focusing on all the reasons why you’re well-equipped to do something, and what it would take to fill any gaps to get you the rest of the way.

Instead of: I can’t do this because…

Think: I can do this because… 

And also: I could do this even better if…

In my case, I could do this because I had ample years of previous People experience I’d be able to leverage and apply in this new role. 

And I could do it even better if… I joined a few People communities to help me along the way, read up on areas where I lacked experience, and engaged in an open feedback dialogue with my manager. 

So the next time you start to convince yourself of all the reasons why you can’t take on that new project or step into that new promotion, change your framing to:

1. Here are all the reasons why I’d be great at this, and…
2. Here are the things I’m going to do to close any gaps along the way

Remember: A few gaps aren’t reason enough to walk away from a new challenge. 

In fact, I’d argue that a few gaps are good. It means you’ve still got room to grow and stay engaged throughout the challenge rather than bored because you’re not learning anything new along the way. 

Remember that you weren’t magically born an expert at all the things you excel at today.

Think about the things you do without a second thought today: Driving, typing, laundry, trimming your cat’s nails (the horror).

You weren’t an expert at these things on the first day. In fact, if you’re anything like me, the first time you sat behind the wheel of a car, your entire life flashed before your eyes, and you wondered with a slight sense of betrayal how it was legal for anyone to operate such a large and monstrous vehicle.

And yet… now you don’t even think about these things. You take for granted just how easy they are to do without appreciating the hard work and perhaps even some initial fear and frustration that went into getting you to the place of ease and confidence with which you tackle these tasks today.

The same is true of whatever challenge you’re facing today.

It’s scary because it’s new. It feels impossible to see yourself as a future expert because you’re still at the beginning of your latest journey.

But I promise you: Just like every other skill you’ve learned throughout your life, this too will eventually become just another one of those things you don’t even remember having struggled with in the first place. 

So the next time you find yourself facing what feels like an insurmountable task, remember the clueless you that sat behind the wheel of a car for the first time and how capable you were all along. 

Reframe challenges as experiments

This one’s my favorite. Perhaps because it gets at the heart of what really drives a lack of confidence.

Because lack of confidence, when you really get down to it, is actually just an overabundance of fear.

Fear of getting it wrong. Fear of ridicule. Fear of being discovered as a fraud. (Imposter syndrome much?)

And those fears only get worse when you convince yourself that any mistake you make is a blaring sign of failure.

But here’s the thing about success: It doesn’t come without a bit of failure along the way. 

In fact, I would argue that some of my greatest failures contributed most heavily to the success I have today.

I learned what didn’t work. I learned what I never wanted to do again. I learned what things to look out for the next time I approached a similar goal.

(Anyone who’s ever poured cold water into a hot glass — just me? — quickly learns to never do that again.)

So if you’re currently struggling with a fear of mistakes — What if I give the wrong advice? What if the management training doesn’t work? What if no one takes the engagement survey? — remind yourself that what you’re really doing is running an experiment.

A well thought-out and calculated experiment, sure. But an experiment nevertheless.

You’re collecting data on what works and what doesn’t. Which means that you’ve got to make a few mistakes along the way in order to fully understand which things don’t work and why.

If that still feels scary to you, incorporate this mindset explicitly into your goal.

Running your first ever employee engagement survey? Don’t just define success as: "Run an engagement survey that achieves 80%+ participation." Define success as: “Gain a clear understanding of what drives participation, and what gaps need to be filled in order to increase participation for the next survey.”

Talk to someone who’s already an expert at the thing you’re trying to do

On my more anxiety-inducing days, I like to think about the first time Brene Brown or Adam Grant took the stage. Sure, maybe they both went out in front of their first ever audiences without a lick of nerves. But my guess is they both started out just as insecure and fidgety as I did the first time I stood on stage.

In fact, the more experts I speak to, the more I learn just how much everyone has struggled with confidence at some point or another throughout their career. Many still struggle with confidence today.

And — ironically — the more you hear about others struggling with confidence, the more your own confidence builds in your everyday life. Because it normalizes growth and uncertainty. It makes you feel less deficient, less like an anomaly, and more like every other person on the planet, just figuring things out and making a few mistakes along the way.

Most importantly, it makes these seemingly impossible skills to acquire seem all the more attainable. 

Questions I find especially helpful to ask:

• How did you get to be an expert in X?
• What fears did you have stepping into this work the first time around?
• What mistakes did you make along the way? What did you learn from them?
• What tips or resources have helped you along the way?
• What would you say to your past self if you could go back in time?

Remember that we’re all just figuring things out as we go, and there’s no ‘one right way’ to do your job.

The reality is, most of us make things out to be a whole lot bigger than they actually are.

Think about your favorite People expert or celebrity or maybe even a social media influencer you like to follow. At times, they probably seem perfect and superhuman and free of all problems. 

Of course, we know that’s not true. They’re just people, like everyone else.

And the same is true of you.

Like anyone else, you’re figuring things out as you go. You might not always get it right, but that doesn’t mean you suck at your job.

You might also find that you do things differently than someone else in your role. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. 

After all, I’m sure Brene Brown and Adam Grant don’t share all the same views. And I still think they’re both pretty rad at what they do. 

A few final thoughts

While it can be hard to hear that a lack of confidence is holding you back, the reality is: It’s true.

Lack of confidence leads to:

• Lost productivity due to excessive nitpicking and second guessing
• Missed opportunities born out of fear of failure
• General unhappiness and lowered personal morale

So if a lack of confidence is something you’re currently grappling with, it’s important you take steps to build your confidence muscle the same way you’d build up any other muscle at the gym.

And — just like any other muscle — know that it’s not a one-and-done type of deal. Maintaining your confidence muscle takes long-term dedication and exercise. 

Do I still occasionally find myself feeling those nervous butterflies when taking on a new task? Absolutely.

But that doesn’t mean I have to immediately thereafter go into a panic spiral. Instead, I remind myself of all the reasons why I’m primed to succeed, and all the resources I can leverage to help me close any gaps along the way. I remind myself that any mistakes I make will only help me do better the next time around, and that I’m not the only person who’s ever made a mistake along the way. I remind myself that in a couple of years, I’m going to look back on this time and grin with a bit of disbelief at how scary this used to feel and how easily it comes to me now.

And you can, too. 

Resources to check out:

As always, sharing a few resources to check out.

• Blog post: 6 fun and meaningful ways to celebrate Pride Month (on a budget)
• Webinar: How to create a management training series your managers will actually like
• Downloadable Template: Manager effectiveness survey
• Sign up for our weekly webinar, where we share how Ethena helps solve everyday People problems! Next week's topic: Scrappy strategies for the resource-conscious HR team.