5 Tips for a Sincere Apology

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If we haven't been acquainted yet, I’m a professor of organizational and cross-cultural psychology, the author of Global Dexterity and Reach, and an HBR contributor and consultant. I also work closely with coaches, trainers, consultants and teachers to certify them in my Global Dexterity Method.

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I hope you enjoy today's newsletter about apologizing.

Few of us enjoy apologizing.  But learning to apologize well is a hallmark of an emotionally intelligent leader. Here are some tips for apologizing in a way that repairs and maintains your most valued relationships.

1. Check your ego at the door and take the other person's perspective.

Stay focused as much as possible on the reason you're doing this hard work of apologizing in the first place: because you care about the other person and the relationship. Work hard to understand the other person's perspective. In doing so, you will find it's easier to deliver that heartfelt apology.

2. Give a clear "I'm sorry" type statement.

Cut to the chase and tell the person you're sorry. And be genuine, specific and accountable. Acknowledge your role on causing the harm. Don't be indirect and vague, expressing regret about "what happened." Tell them directly you're sorry about what you did.  

3. Explain yourself, but not too much, and don't make it an excuse.

For example, you might consider saying something like: "I'm really sorry that I said that to you. I was really angry, but that's no excuse for saying what I did..."

4. Show you understand the impact of your actions.

Try to imagine how it felt for them to be the recipient of what you did. And express this to them. For example: "I'm really sorry that I said that to you. I was really angry, but that's no excuse for saying what I did. I can only imagine how hurt you must have been about what I said..."

5. Request forgiveness and express your intention to change.

For example: "I'm really sorry that I said that to you. I was really angry, but that's no excuse for saying what I did. I can only imagine how hurt you must have been about what I said. I promise I'll work on controlling my emotions and never say something like that again."