5 ways high achieving leaders can ensure they master self-compassion

A high performing, high potential leader recently confided in me that ‘nothing I do seems to be working out.’

It didn’t matter how hard they tried – they were going way above and beyond what seemed reasonable to me -  they weren’t getting on top of the workload, nor gaining the support from stakeholders they felt they both needed and deserved, nor were they being successful at shifting workload expectations.

They felt stuck in a huge rut with more effort only seeming to deepen the rut.

From the bottom of that rut, it was becoming increasingly difficult to get a clear line of sight on how to proceed effectively.

Long working hours were seriously eroding family time, and personal wellbeing was very low.

It was perplexing and concerning – just listening to the story felt emotionally draining for me; I can only imagine what it felt like to live it.

Apart from the stuckness and loss of personal agency, what was even more concerning to me was how much this leader was beating themselves up about their situation. Suggestions about how to relieve the pressure evoked complex responses about why they wouldn't work, or how they might lead to loss of esteem or even punishment.

The high achieving mindset is fantastic almost all the time; however when feelings of success and achievement are low and accompanied by a loss of self-compassion, stress levels max out.

Needless to say, burnout was imminent.

I’ve written previously about the organisational context of burnout.

Organisations need to take responsibility for managing burnout factors, including workload levels, overwork expectations, and fairness of work allocation, as well as taking responsibility for helping people to notice, monitor and manage their stress levels.

By the way, this high performing leader's experience is not an isolated one: Future Forum research shows that leaders' stress has increased 40% and experience scores have reduced in the past 12 months. The good news is that the reported experience of frontline workers has stayed the same or even improved over the last year. It's middle managers and team leaders who seem to be faring the worst, squeezed as they are between ever-expanding workload expectations from the top, a desire to protect their teams, and for some, an at times heroic belief that if they just work hard enough they'll push through and succeed.

It's all well and good to know what the system should do, but when it breaks down and senior leaders do not heed the warning signs, and don't provide timely support, individuals need to know how to help themselves. Self-compassion is a great place to start.

Some leaders are so dedicated and fully committed to their work that they are blindsided by their own need to excel and may not pay attention to the warning signals until it’s too late. They're too busy getting stuff done and prioritise protecting their team members yet forget to protect themselves. And they may find the whole idea of self-compassion to be a little weird..... so let's find out a bit more about what it actually means.

What is self-compassion?

Compassion is 'a sensitivity to suffering in self and others with a commitment to try to alleviate and prevent it'. It has two dimensions: the first, a turning towards or engaging with suffering rather than denying or avoiding it, and the second, acquiring the wisdom and skills that alleviate and prevent suffering. Compassion may be directed towards the self and/or towards others.

Why should self-compassion be a priority for leaders?

Self-compassion is correlated with a wide range of positive mental health and achievement-related outcomes, such as happiness, optimism, wisdom, initiative, curiosity, agreeableness, and conscientiousness. People who practice self-compassion feel less negative, they experience less anxiety, depression and shame.

Its benefit at work as well as in life in general stems from its relationship to learning: self-compassionate individuals seem better able to identify mistakes and 'failure' as opportunities for learning and are able to refocus themselves on getting things done.

Those who lack self-compassion may try to enhance their self-image by defending against the label of 'failure', and by avoiding situations where they may be perceived as not competent. This seems to be what was driving the leader in my story: they needed to show that they were capable, that they were superior in their performance, that they could get everything done.

Lofty standards, such as those high achievers often have for themselves, can help or hinder, depending on whether they are associated with self-criticism or self-compassion. My leader's focus was definitely self-critical and that was unhelpfully driving continued effort even when that effort seemed to be hindering rather than helping.

What the research suggests is that high achieving leaders who practice more self-compassion than self-criticism are:

• less likely to deny or avoid difficulties
• more likely to be creative when faced with problems
• more likely to seek help to resolve problems.

According to researchers Dr. Kristin Neff & Elizabeth Pommier higher levels of self-compassion are linked to higher levels of compassion for others, greater perspective taking, lower levels of stress and greater forgiveness towards others.

What gets in the way of self-compassion?

So why aren't we all drinking the Koolaid on this one (yet)? Karol M. Wasylyshyn and Frank Masterpasqua identified a number of thought-provoking themes that prevent some leaders from entertaining the value of self-compassion:

• It is self-indulgent - it might be linked to complacency, lack of productivity or a reduction in achievement
• Fear of vulnerability - self-compassion may be associated with weakness or lack of ambition
• Belief that tough-mindedness is necessary - strength and resilience are hallmarks of leadership
• Conformity to traditional behavioural norms of how to get to the C-suite
• Tendency to compartmentalisation - separating 'work self' from a fuller/warmer/emotional 'at home' self
• Fierce independence - I can go it alone
• Tyranny of the 'shoulds' - I should know all the answers
• Habitual defenses - eg rationalisation, humour, denial
• Relentlessness of business pressures - the short-term focus on shareholder value over people-oriented leadership
• Western cultural beliefs - getting excellent results requires suffering (eg lack of acknowledgement of work achievements, lack of affiliative relationships, blunt expectations to strive to achieve despite multiple, demanding requirements)

These themes are consistent with the ambitious, competitive, overconfident leaders that drive overwork, and which I write further about in FlexAbility. These leaders chase continuous growth, seek ever larger rewards and are prepared to sacrifice everything to win the game. Compassion is a world away from such an approach.

Yet organisational success is more likely where leaders are self-compassionate. If they can be compassionate to themselves they can be compassionate to others and promote what Wasylyshyn & Masterpasqua refer to as collective compassion, a climate of compassion.

How then to increase your self-compassion?

5 ways leaders can increase their self-compassion

When you feel a sense of shame, embarrassment, or failure, when your sense of self is dented, it's hard to think straight about the situation. But it's important to be able to rescue yourself - in the same way that you would reach out to others you care about - and provide kindness and support to help you address your own situation.

1. Notice and accept your discomfort

Notice your discomfort, accept it, make room for it, learn to hold it as a part of your experience of yourself. Be mindfully aware of what's happening for you in this moment. Notice your sense of struggle, name the emotions you're feeling, and at the same time ground yourself in the here and now. This is what I am experiencing, feeling, seeing, feeling, etc.

There are many strictures on us to be positive and to be happy, and who wouldn't prefer to be? However, suffering is a part of the human experience and rather than denying or avoiding suffering, it's more helpful to notice and accept that it is happening.

2. Care for yourself

When you are upset, feeling stressed, or hooked by self-criticism, try some behaviours that are caring.

What helps you to feel safe, protected, supported, comforted, motivated and validated? For example, taking a short break, going for a brief walk, meditating, having a private conversation with a mentor, brainstorming new ideas with peers, taking the dog for a walk, taking a warm bath, having a friendly conversation with a family member, watching a funny movie. Use your existing wellbeing, comforting practices as resources when you need them.

When we're caught in work overdrive, stuck in negative thoughts and feelings, our nervous system is most likely in fight or flight mode. Showing care and kindness can be hard when you're in this state, yet caregiving activates renewal. The experiences listed above help take us out of fight or flight mode and into rest and digest mode, calming us. Activities with others that are warm and caring also release oxytocin which counteracts the effects of adrenaline and helps us to feel good, or at least better.

Mindfully pausing and taking care of yourself help as circuit breakers, calming us down and allowing the mind to clear. That opens up time and space and gives us the resources to consider what steps we can take to resolve the issue.

3. Hook into your ideal self

Activating your ideal self, the better version of you, also helps to activate a sense of renewal.

Remind yourself of your purpose and your values, and of how important they are to you. Focus on your ideal future self and what it will be like in 12 months, 2 or 5 years, when you are leading in the way that you aspire to, and living your life on your terms. This also provides a sense of hope.

Having a clear purpose is linked to a series of wellbeing outcomes. Reminding yourself of what's most important to you creates a physical response, from fight or flight mode to rest and digest, so that you become calmer. It helps to check your perspective, to realign what you aspire to do with what you do so that you feel more congruent.

4. Reduce your self-criticism

If you find yourself caught in a self-critical rut - 'I'm not doing enough', 'I'm not good enough', 'what an idiot', try this strategy to reduce your judgement so that you feel more satisfied with what you have done.

Remind yourself of your successes, eg write down 10 things that you've done today that have helped you, someone else, or the world. They might be small things, like having texted a friend to say 'hi', or big things, like running a meeting with important stakeholders. Don't focus on what you haven't done or what didn't go as planned, simply recognise what you did without evaluation.

This is a simple yet powerful motivational tool: often by shifting the focus to what you have done you can recognise that you have done enough.

If you find yourself ruminating, thinking repetitively about negative past experiences or feelings, that might have a benefit as we can learn from those experiences and problem solve them into the future. Too much ruminating however can deepen the neural networks, making these recollections easier and more frequent. To avoid that, when you recognise you're ruminating, shift the focus of your attention to something that you find highly absorbing, and which involves the senses. Things like walking, working with your hands, focusing on sights or sounds can short circuit the neural networks and get you doing something that you prefer to do. And they activate renewal, as discussed under point 2.

5. Promote a culture of compassion

Actively discuss the value of self and other compassion with your team. Encourage people to notice their own and others' suffering, to discuss their feelings openly, to make the expression of care and concern a part of your daily working life.

Ensure that people feel connected by creating routine interactions, making sure that interactions are high-quality and meaningful. Allow people to freely participate: psychological safety is a key foundation for this.

Self-compassion and high achievement are mutually compatible, possibly symbiotic.

Being a high achiever means that you like to set high standards for yourself, and you almost always exceed them. When the going gets tough and you face the occasional setback or get stuck ruminating on unhelpful thoughts, make sure you have a routine for self-compassion so that you can get yourself quickly back on track. And if like the leader I mention above, the going stays tough, it is increasingly difficult to break out of your negative thoughts, and self-compassion is hard to do, make sure you have supporters, mentors or coaches in your network to lift you up with their compassion for you.

For more resources on preventing stress and burnout and taking good care of yourself, get yourself a copy of FlexAbility, see the FlexAbility Challenge and associated resources, or reach out to me Dr Karen Morley for a chat and/or coaching support.

#selfcompassion #compassion #highachievers #burnout #leadership