6 Life-Saving Negotiation Lessons

Intro

From the series "best recommendation ever" comes the review of this book, "Never Split the Difference", by Chris Voss.

Special thanks to Selin Alkan for once recommending it!

What is it about? As the subtitle says, to learn "negotiating as if your life depended on it"! Ok, it is a book about negotiation you got this.

But what is impressive about it? Well... the guy writing the book actually had his life depending on his negotiation skills over and over throughout many years!

Chris Voss is a former FBI hostage negotiator who had been called to some of the toughest situations, with an exemplary track record and a very clear way of explaining his ideas and making it easy for anyone to follow.

The book is so good, that I have it in my pipeline to go through his masterclass to learn further his techniques and observe him in action. But not I am jumping sections... let's get back to what you will find inside the book.

Negotiation and Techniques

The word "negotiation" has its origins related to business trading and dates from centuries ago, while the activity itself dates from the early years of home sapiens.

Trying to exchange interests has been common according to many studies, and small communities would agree on terms that would be mutually beneficial.

A later definition of negotiation as "to communicate in search of mutual agreement" introduced the dialog aspect into it, and much later on it acquired a certain sense of bargaining for many using the word.

Because of negotiations' importance to daily life, it has been the focus of multiple studies and many books, some referenced by Chris. So, you heard of it...

You may have heard about distributive negotiations (zero-sum game) and integrative negotiations (non-zero sum or win-win).

You may have studied contracts. You may have read "Getting to Yes". You probably used BATNA (best alternative to a negotiated agreement) once in your business life.

You probably saw something on the Internet about conflict styles (accommodating, avoiding, collaborating, competing).

The list goes on and on... this book? It goes beyond all of that!

Every chapter comes with a summary in the end, and it is so insightful that I have got very tempted to replicate it here... but no, let me share the one key aspect of every lesson and leave the rest for your discovery!

First Lesson - Mirror

You may have seen this in some shows, and you know it works. Mirroring, in any form, the behavior of the other person, has the tendency to create a connection. You don't overdo it, and it shall work.

A lot of examples have been shared using body language.

Now this this the big secret shared by Chris: he does that with words. Only words. And silence. Here's how: use either the last three words, or one to three critical words on whatever the other person said and let it sink for 4-5 seconds.

The other person will naturally process that and elaborate further on his/her own thoughts, giving you more information that you can use to continue the negotiation.

You are friendly allowing the other person to share more, and to feel listened to!

From the summary, let me pick one thing to share: avoid using direct / assertive voice; preference should be towards playful / positive tone.

Second Lesson - Labelling

There is a huge dose of empathy throughout the book. This lesson focused a lot on it, and helped to understand how to create a connection while easing the life of the other party just by bubbling up the concerns that may be on their minds.

How to do it? Start with "It seems/sounds/looks like..." and then put the elephant in the room. Why? Because by starting like that, you keep the space for the conversation to continue even if you are wrong, and if you are right, you will probably have calmed down the counterpart.

At the same time, you avoid negatives when you are doing it.

I love the example he provided of the grumpy grandfather at the dining table: instead of telling him "Hey papa, it looks like you are horribly grumpy tonight" (don't try this, please!) you could use instead "It looks like we haven't meet often lately and don't give all the attention you deserve".

Where would that conversation lead you to?

Third Lesson - Get That 'No'

One of the most insightful observations I have come across in years: "Yes" may mean many things, but "No" means no and therefore serves as a platform to start a real conversation!

I remember (barely, to be honest) my reading of the "Getting to Yes" many years ago. All nice and shiny. But the truth is, it often doesn't work! "Why?!" have I often asked myself. After reading this book, I understood why.

This happens because for the "yes", you may get three different flavors of it: counterfeiting, confirmation and commitment. The only one that will truly deliver value is the commitment one, the one you really want to get, and it requires effort to get there - and not be confused with the other two!

"No", on the other end, assures control for your counterpart as it establishes limits and create a comfort zone. Then you can work with this comfort zone, understand it better and get the results leading to the commitment "yes".

Special trick: Try to use that for coming up with the subject of your e-mails, frame it as a question that would be answered with a "no" and pull for action!

Fourth Lesson - Better than "Yes" and "No"

Thus here, we have learnt that "No" is better than "Yes" because it gives us a platform for a real conversation, and it will eventually get us to the commitment "Yes" that we truly desire. What can be better than that?

"That's right".

Of course, that is a very specific expression and may vary according to culture and language. The point is not the exact words but what they express: acknowledgement.

Usually leading into some sort of epiphany on your counterpart, as they realize something about themselves that is interfering in the negotiation, and once surfaced, can be dealt with.

In order to that to this magical "that's right", you just add one step to using what we have learnt in the previous lessons: summarize.

You bring back what you learn about the other person together with the emotions and through your own language demonstrate you understood them. Empathy & active listening skills are a bomb!

But don't mix "That's Right" with "You're Right" - the distant cousin of the counterfeiting / confirmation "Yes". That one won't take you anywhere, it is just a sign of unproductive conversation.

Fifth Lesson - No Deal is Better Than a Bad Deal

This being the chapter that names the book.

As Chris describes more serious and then some fantasy scenarios, it gets absurdly clear why the half-half solution is often the worse: it leads to both parties being frustrated with results.

Then how to get into a good deal? Without spoiling the reading experience, I would summarize it with:

• Do not make concessions
• Be careful with the word "Fair". If your counterpart uses it, ask them to explain it instead of jumping to the concessions
• Bend the counterpart reality by: (1) anchoring emotions, (2) letting them go first, (3) establishing a range, (4) pivoting to non-monetary terms, (5) using odd numbers and (6) surprising with a gif.
• Remember Daniel Kahneman and the aversion of loss bias. Help people see what they would lose by not making the agreement with you.

Sixth Lesson - Allow Them to Feel in Control

As we all know, the negotiations, even the simple ones, can trigger many emotions and a lot of them in my experience have to do with "who's the boss", meaning: who is really holding the control of the situation?

What I have also learnt over the years, much better explained by Chris, is that often we keep the control just by allowing the counterpart - and even the rest of the world - to feel like they have it, not us. That's part of influencing.

How can we make that happen? I would summarize it with: keeping your own emotional control, asking open-ended questions and avoiding confrontation.

To the point of the question: through several examples, Chris recommends us to use "What" and "How" questions more than anything, and to be very careful with "Why" questions as it feels like there is an accusation behind it. You can explain your why, not ask others about their in the middle of a negotiation!

Big Insight: Slow... Down...

If you go through each chapter, you will notice one thing: either Chris clearly suggests that we should slow down, or it is evident from the technique that it will make us slow down...

If you are into public speaking, you will hear the importance of pauses.

Anyone into meditation will tell you that you need to breath... well, sometimes your parents and partners probably said the same.

Hear them. Slow down. Thank me, or Chris, later.

Observations

Negotiation is one of those things that will continue to evolve over time, because everyone is studying it and applying the new theories and then they get obsolete... yet this book still has a number of years to go! If you jump into it now, you can still benefit from the insights. More about it:

• Easy of reading: 5 stars. The way it flows through the stories and the concepts is very natural and easy to follow, and it never gets tiring or boring. It's written clearly for general consumption and therefore relies on very simple language and structures making it easy to absorb the concepts.
• Learning something new: 5 stars. Even after an MBA and so many trainings all over the place involving negotiation, this book gave me so many insights that I can't be thankful enough.
• Interesting and Engaging: 5 stars. As a big fan of real-life stories and thrillers, this book matches 200% of my needs! It is fun, it is interesting, it keeps you curious to know how each of the stories end, while teaching you valuable techniques.

One additional topic to add: Chris makes a reference at the very beginning of this book to Daniel Kahneman and his "Thinking, Fast and Slow". I did a summary of that one as well and it is available to you here, and I really recommend the reading of the book:

There is more to the book, and it ends talking about Black Swans. But that, ladies and gentlemen, is a topic for another book summary!

When was the last time you had to negotiate something important? How did that go? What techniques from the book would you try to incorporate?

Will love to read from you!