7 Steps to Overcome Self-Doubt In Relationships & Divorce

Self-doubt is something that comes up for us all, from time to time and when it rears its ugly head it can make us feel a bit down. It is a period of time when your thoughts wander to “the dark side” and you begin questioning your decisions or abilities. Doubts within relationships are common. Doubts during and after divorce, with so many decisions to make is natural. The problem occurs when these doubts become a permanent feature in your life and affect your health, decisions, relationships and limit you from living your life fully.

I know when self-doubt comes up for me, my energy is low, I feel flat, like a deflated tire that is trying to push ahead as normal, and finding that I am just not being as effective. I am me but my thinking is less sharp, I have no wind in my sail. If you asked me what was wrong I couldn’t answer you, I’d reply saying either that nothing is wrong or that I don’t know why but I just feel a bit “off”, tired or sometimes I would suggest it was the weather, “may be it’s the heat or change in weather I feel this way. ”

Sound familiar?

When in reality I am doubting myself and my decisions. Thankfully, after all my years spent coaching, I recognize when I have fallen into a pit of self-doubt. The truth is self-doubt consumes a tremendous amount of energy, making your feel “off” and tired. Constant going back and forth and asking yourself questions that you cannot answer can be draining. Whilst we all may have this from time to time, some individuals get stuck in the self-doubt trap. One of the first things we do is work on freeing them and getting back their energy. Today I am going to be sharing 7 steps to help you out of it.

As Honore de Balzac stated “When you doubt your power, you give power to your doubt”  I dont want your doubts to have power and stop you moving forward.

Laura I am working with, questions whether she made the right decision leaving her marriage, if she can cope on her own and if it was the right thing to do for the children. I helped her to see that she had the same doubts when she was in the marriage and that it is the doubts that is taking her energy not her age.

Derek in my 6 month program, has recently started dating again. He wonders if he can trust his own judgement and if the woman he has started dating is right for him. He likes her but is concerned she drinks too much and questions what they have in common, whether he will be able to keep her happy long-term. These thoughts have been consuming him and he wondered if he should quit 3 weeks in. I help him see that he needs to deal with his doubts in an appropriate manner and time frame, that he comes up with, rather than give up.

Many also question after divorce if they will meet someone new, if they are good at relationships and whether they can trust again.

Self-doubt has a way of getting under your skin. Where you take things personally or question if you’re good enough.

When you are in this state of self-doubt you may think forget it!. Forget making this work, forget this relationship, forget living here, forget this…. “I give up” or “I can’t do this anymore.” Often when we think this way it isn’t the actual thing we want to quit it’s the self-doubt and nagging we wish would stop!

Trying to navigate through life and relationships without comparing yourself to others’ successes can be difficult. Then we have the expectations and pressure we put on ourselves. You are not alone in this battle. Many have these thoughts…

To counter act this you need to trust yourself more and trust in life that things will work as they are meant to. You can influence the future, but we cannot control it.

However with a shift in attitude you can turn things around. It really is all a matter of perspective. One where you trust yourself and don’t give into the gremlins that discourage persistence, positivity, and faith in one’s self.

It’s a choice one has to make: to either believe in yourself or allow yourself to be sucked into feelings of self-doubt and self-pity.

Muting the voices of self-doubt gremlins can be quite a feat. You need energy to do so. Here are some things that can help you trust yourself again when feeling defeated and overwhelmed with doubts.

1, Stay in the Present.

If you find yourself being pulled into negative thoughts stemming from past relationship experiences or comments from others, staying present is key to being able to focus on the positive. Grounding yourself is also effective for when you question your future.

There are many ways to stay in the present. It can be as simple as getting out in nature, walking, being with pets or children, meditating.

2, Look after yourself.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by what you perceive as things not going well, rest. Take some time away from it all. Focus on something totally different. This works wonders for me and those I work with. Many find by shifting their focus away from what they are stuck on, helps them to take a new perspective when we come back to it.

It’s easy to get lost in a sea of self-doubt and neglect to look after your own needs. So in addition to taking a break, it is important to drink plenty of water, get enough sleep and eat healthily.

3, Connect with others.

While it is important to strengthen your self-trust muscles, it is just as important to get the support you need from others. Whether this is from family, friends, or a professional coach, getting reassurance or help from others can make a big difference.

4, Drown out the negative.

If you find that self-doubt and criticism (both inner and outer) are way too loud, drown them out with self-praise.

It can be challenging to think of positive encouraging statements about yourself when you’re consumed by doubts, so I recommend you write a list of at least 5 in advance. Those I work with send me their list and I email it back to them when their doubts creep in.

Jot some down on a note book or notepad. Then get them out and read them out loud when your inner voices come up.

5, Gratitude.

When negativism seeps in you can easily lose sight of all the good you have in your life. Your judgement is usually clouded. Reminding yourself of things going well, things you’re pleased with and grateful for, can really make a difference.

6, Question the Source of Your Self-Doubt

If you find “I’m not strong, attractive, good enough coming up, you may want to examine the root of where it came from. Where did these feelings originate? Sometimes there can be specific events, relationships, and time periods that lie at the core of our self-doubts. It can be beneficial to ask yourself or with the help of a professional what the source of the problem is. Then you can begin to work toward eliminating those negative thought patterns.

 7, Face your doubts head on.

Once you acknowledge your self-doubts, you can then conquer them. If you have relationship doubts -work through them, address and share them. Rather than constantly questioning yourself. If you are wondering whether you have the ability to do something or not – give it a go. It can be liberating when you face your doubts head on. As Vincent van Gogh said “If you hear a voice within you say you cannot paint, then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced.”

In summary by recognizing and addressing self-doubt you will be much less susceptible to its influence. It will still surface from time to time, but hopefully this article has brought greater awareness to you. So you will see it coming, and know how to neutralize or conquer it.

I’d love to hear what helps you overcome doubts in your decisions and abilities. Do message me or leave a comment.

From my heart to yours Nicola

P.S If you found some benefit from this article, be sure to grab your copy of my free e-books available to you: 

“7 Secrets to Saving Your Marriage”

“10 Simple Steps You Can Take Now To Creating A New Life After Divorce”

visit www.purepeacecoaching.com to get your copy