8 Communication Strategies From Hostage Negotiators That Can Help You Lead More Effectively

The traditional image of a leader is that of a person who tells people what to do and how. Many people believe that being a leader means knowing everything, being active, and constantly trying to shape the environment around you.

When people turn to you for guidance or to resolve a conflict, your first impulse might be to have an opinion, make a decision, or decide who's right or wrong. In truth, being a good leader often means doing "nothing." And by nothing, I mean being quiet, listening and trying to understand.

But more often than not, you don't have all the information, so you can't decide or give guidance. And if there's one thing I've learned from years of talking and listening to my friends, it's that no one takes advice even if they ask you for it. The only way to get people to act on what you believe would be the right path forward is by convincing them that it is their idea.

As a leader, people will come to you with problems and conflicts. You will have to motivate people, lead difficult conversations and try to find the best way to move forward. So what can we learn from hostage negotiators? How do we best de-escalate conflicts? What is the best way to help people make the right decisions?

The answer is active listening!

Now we've all heard that we should have an open ear for our teams and be good listeners. But what is active listening really?

Active listening is all about paying attention to and understanding the person you're talking to. It's not just about hearing what they're saying but also paying attention to their body language - to both verbal and nonverbal cues. Ask clarifying questions to ensure you get a full picture of what they're trying to say and express empathy and understanding.

The goal of active listening is to fully understand the speaker's perspective and communicate that you are engaged and attentive. Done right, active listening will help you build rapport and trust with the person you're talking to and help stimulate positive change.

Active listening is a skill that can be learned and honed. Hostage and crisis negotiators use simple guidelines to maximize the effect of active listening. As a leader, you can use the same techniques to increase the positive outcome of your conversations.

Here are 8 active listening techniques used by hostage and crisis negotiators:

Paraphrasing:

Signal that you have heard and understood what you've been told by paraphrasing what you've heard. This means summarizing what the person said in your own words while also making sure not to downplay or invalidate their experiences.

Asking Open-Ended Questions:

Ask open-ended questions to get more information on the situation you're dealing with. An open-ended question is a question that cannot be answered with a simple "yes" or "no" response. It requires the person asked to provide a more complete and detailed answer. Asking open-ended questions encourages the person to speak more, which can help reduce tension and give you valuable information and insight into their perspective on the situation.

Examples of open-ended questions include "What do you think about this issue?" and "Can you tell me more about your experience?"

Silence/Pause:

Effective listening involves using silence and pausing before speaking. This technique is known as "dynamic inactivity," It helps calm a tense or difficult situation. By listening and not immediately reacting, the negotiator allows the other person to continue speaking and potentially reveal more information or a willingness to compromise.

This technique can also help to de-escalate the situation by giving both parties time to calm down and think more clearly. It is an effective tool for negotiators because it helps to build trust and create a more collaborative atmosphere.

Emotion Labeling:

Emotion labeling is the practice of identifying and expressing the emotions that you or others are experiencing. It involves describing the specific emotion rather than just saying that someone is "angry" or "happy." For example, instead of saying, "You're angry," you might say, "You're feeling frustrated because you expected to have this project finished by now, and you're running behind."

Emotion labeling is important because it can help people better understand and regulate their emotions. It can also improve communication and relationships by helping them express their feelings more accurately and effectively.

It's crucial to acknowledge the emotions of the person speaking. In a tense situation, people might act on their emotions rather than thinking rationally. Validating their feelings instead of dismissing them helps to restore balance. Labeling and acknowledging their emotions can help them return to a more cognitive perspective. Emotion labeling can also help you to be more empathetic and understanding and fosters a sense of connection and support.

Use minimal encouragers:

Minimal encouragers are nonverbal cues that show you are listening and engaged in a conversation, such as nodding your head, making eye contact, or saying "uh-huh" or "mm-hmm."

These cues can help to build rapport and encourage the speaker to continue. They are called "minimal" because they are subtle and require little effort but can greatly impact the listener's perceived level of interest and understanding. Minimal encouragers can be an effective way to show that you are paying attention and to keep the conversation flowing smoothly.

Mirroring/Reflecting:

After the person finishes speaking, you can reflect back to them what they just said by "mirroring" their words. This means repeating the last few words they said. Some experts recommend only repeating the last three or four words the person spoke. E.g., if the person ended their sentence by saying, "…and this happens all the time," you would say, "It happens all the time."

This technique might seem strange, but it can be very effective in showing the person that you're listening and understanding them. It helps to validate their feelings and can improve communication.

Using I messages:

This technique is used to respond to statements that are not helpful for working together. You can say something like, "I feel [emotion] when you [behavior] because [reason]." This provides a moment to pause and reflect and lets the other person know that you're trying to collaborate and that, from your perspective, they are not.

It's important to be mindful of your tone when using this technique. Sounding aggressive or confrontational can lead to an argument."

Summarize:

Summarizing is a more detailed form of paraphrasing. It involves repeating the key points and acknowledging the person's emotions. It's important to summarize because it shows the person that you heard and understood them, which can bring them a sense of relief and help them make decisions that are not solely based on their emotions.

Summarizing can also be useful when you're unsure what to say or do next. It gives you time to think, and as mentioned before, slowing things down can be key to finding a peaceful resolution. Summarizing can also help you build rapport and trust with the other person, making it easier to influence them and explore alternative solutions and suggestions.

Remember, active listening is important, especially for leaders. It helps to improve understanding and build trust. By really listening to what others have to say, you can gain valuable insights and perspectives and develop stronger relationships with your team members.

Active listening can help to resolve conflicts and problems more effectively. By fully understanding others' points of view, you can find creative solutions and work cooperatively to achieve their goals.

Finally, active listening can help you to be more influential and persuasive. People who feel heard and understood are more likely to be open to new ideas and support your vision.

Using all or some of the listed techniques in your conversations will make you a better leader, communicator and partner in your work and private life. Some of these techniques will feel more natural to you, but give them all a try and let me know how they worked for you.