8 Ways to Be a Stronger Ally for WOC

I have friends of many races, ethnicities, genders, nationalities, ages, professions and experiences. When I say friends, I mean friends - people who’ve been to my home, cradled my children, laughed with me until we cried, encouraged and defended me and vice versa.

In the last six months, I’ve had several white women and men ask how they can be better allies for women of color. They acknowledge their inability to fully understand what women of color experience at work. They’ve expressed a desire to help. They also admit to having “stepped in it” more than once, confessing that each misstep builds on the one before, fueling a hesitancy to keep pushing for fear their “help” may not be helpful after all…and may even hurt.

We who live at the intersection of racism and sexism have several reactions to this fear, the first of which is usually some version of “If you think it’s hard to be you, imagine how it feels to be me.” While true, I like to think practically about what comes next. Women of color need the active support of white women and men if we want equitable workplaces. In the large majority of American companies, the path to fairness for women of color will be traveled in partnership with white women and men or not at all. As Soraya Chemaly so eloquently states in her book Rage Becomes Her, “we can’t ‘self-help’ our way to equality.”

So how can white women and men be better allies for women of color? Here’s a starter list.

1.    Listen to understand, not to defend.

If you really want to know what women of color are experiencing at your company, ask. Then listen. Check for understanding by playing back what you think you heard. Keep doing this until you get it right. Don’t go into this conversation with the hope to feel better about the current state (or to feel better about yourself). If you do, you are likely to distort what you hear to fit a narrative you can tolerate. You are gathering information – that’s it. Gather it objectively.

2.    Remember, you can empathize without personally relating.

Don’t work too hard to relate. You may be able to naturally, but then, you may not. We often seek common ground in these conversations to help us feel connected. This is not the time to equate your struggle with another person’s struggle. Do empathize by putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. How would you feel if your repeated requests for promotion were denied (or ignored) without explanation? If you didn’t receive timely career-altering feedback? If people marginalized your input or contributions? Probably frustrated and helpless. Sadly, this is a familiar state of mind for many women of color at work.

3.    Learn what inclusion looks like for the women of color with whom you work.

You don’t have to guess what would make a work experience more fulfilling for the women of color in your office. You can inquire. What does inclusion look like for you? When have you felt most included? What were the circumstances? When have you felt excluded? What were the circumstances? What do you wish were true about your opportunities here? What is most helpful for you as you seek to grow in this company? Be more curious. Determine what you can control or heavily influence. Then act.

4.    Grant permission for two-way feedback.

Sometimes our best intentions fall flat. Establish a psychological contract up front. Express your intent to the person (or people) on the other side of the table. Then grant that person permission to let you know when your actions are out of line with your expressed intent. If and when they take you up on your offer, thank them for telling you the truth. The more open you are to receiving difficult feedback, the more you will learn about how to be a good ally. People will tell you exactly how they feel and what they need if they believe you truly care to know.

5.    Don’t take missteps personally – we all misstep when we do hard things.

Being an ally is a very emotional thing to get wrong. When we do, we tend to retreat. No one wants to feel like a bad person – ignorant at best and racist or sexist at worst. That’s why being an ally takes courage – deep, personal, abiding courage. If it were easy, more people would do it, and we would have made more progress by now. Accept that you will make mistakes. Find a safe space to work out your frustration, but don’t give up.

6.    Don’t perpetuate racially-tinged or gender-biased feedback and decision-making.

Raise your consciousness regarding feedback that is rooted in exclusionary thought and cut it off at the pass. If you’re in a talent review and someone says a woman might not want a promotion because she just had a baby, intervene with “How is childbirth relevant to this conversation?” If someone says a woman of color doesn’t have executive presence, ask them to be specific. If their specifics aren’t connected to business enablement, ask for business-relevant examples. If they don’t have any, reiterate the importance of focusing on business outcomes.

7.    Don’t go it alone.

If there are significant and far-reaching issues in your company around race and gender, find out who else in your company cares about this issue as much as you do. It may be worthwhile to create a “coalition of the willing,” where several allies come together to better understand the challenges at hand and commit to collaborating on real solutions. One individual can’t create an exclusionary culture. And one person can’t fix it. Get yourself a crew of influencers and band together for progress.

8.    Take heart.

If you truly aim to be a better ally, you have already begun. Wanting to use your agency on others’ behalf is an important first step. There is no handbook, really. You will get it right sometimes. Other times, you will fall on your face. Realize that we, the women of color who stand to benefit from your advocacy, understand this feeling. For many of us, our entire careers have been a series of tries unacknowledged, accomplishments uncelebrated, risks unrewarded. It has made us stronger in many cases. If you persist, it will make you stronger, too.

As for me, I vow to be an ally for those who strive to be an ally for me and women like me. If I see you trying, I will amplify you. If I know you care, I will care alongside you. This has to be your hard work, but just as I wish women of color’s hard work would be more consistently and respectfully considered, I will do what I can – in public and in private – to respectfully consider yours as well. It’s hard to be an ally. It’s hard to be the person in need of an ally. Together, we can make it easier on everyone.

Tara Jaye Frank is a passionate leadership speaker and consultant, a blessed wife, a grateful mother of six children ages twelve to twenty-two, and a firm believer in human potential. She recently founded #MoreThan: A Movement - a healing movement toward deeper understanding between disconnected people. Share your #morethan story at www.morethanamovement.com, and join the movement on IG/Twitter @morethanmove, and on Facebook @morethanahealingmovement.