A-Gay-Ny Aunt #5
A-Gay-Ny Aunt is a weekly column written by Gina Battye - about navigating work, relationships, family and feelings, your sexuality and gender and being your Authentic Self in a chaotic and often confusing world.
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In this week's column:
- What do I do about my girlfriends relationship with her ex?
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What Do I Do About My Girlfriends Relationship With Her Ex?
Hello there,
Firstly, well done on voicing your concerns to your girlfriend. I know that won't have been an easy thing for you to do.
Even with all the reassurance from your honey, you still can’t shake off those bouts of jealousy, niggling mistrust, doubt and anxiety about the whole situation. Right?
Feeling uncomfortable when your girlfriend and ex are together, this will naturally impact on your relationship with your girl, and I am sure will be creating tension between you (whether you realise it or not).
I am getting the vibe that you want to be able to peacefully co-exist with your girlfriends ex but you’re not sure how to deal with all these thoughts and feelings going on within you.
Rest assured. It is possible to have a good relationship with your girlfriend’s ex AND improve your relationship with your girlfriend.
Here’s how.
1. Turn your thinking around.
Don't think of them as your girlfriends ex. This is a friend. Yes, they were together for a time BUT they chose to separate and go their own way. Thinking of it as a friendship instead of an ex relationship will strip away the emotional charge out of the situation.
2. What is it about the situation that unsettles you?
Raise your awareness by journaling about it. Get it out on to paper. Don’t repress your emotions. Never repress your emotions. Let it flow out of you. When you have exhausted your thoughts, take a breather.
Then ask yourself what is REALLY going on here.
Is it about your girlfriends ex? Is it about your girlfriend? Is it about the two of them when they are together?
Or is this about you?
When you dig deeper under the surface, you will realise something is being triggered IN YOU, about yourself. That is the real issue here.
3. Work through it.
Once you have uncovered what this is really all about, work through it; either with a professional, alone or with your girlfriend.
Dig deeper, ask yourself what is it triggering in you? Is it reminding you of a past experience or person? What is the core feeling it is bringing to the surface? Explore what is really happening within you (and why) when they are together.
Talk to your girlfriend about any concerns you have, after you have thought about this. Be honest and authentic with each other. Share what you uncovered in your journaling and encourage your honey to express her feelings and thoughts on the situation.
Communication is fundamental to a strong, authentic relationship.
And remember to trust your instincts, not your insecurities. Your mind can quickly take over, creating a story out of nothing. These stories are a result of your insecurities; they are often not true or real.
4. Leave the past in the past.
Lots of water has flowed under the bridge since your girlfriend was with her ex. They are not the same people anymore and they have chosen to move forward separately. You are the one your girl has chosen to be with. Hold THAT thought, not thoughts of the past.
5. Live for the moment.
Stay focused on what is going on in the moment. When your mind wanders, pull yourself back into now; the conversation or situation in front of you. Stay as absolutely present as you can. When you are totally present in this moment, there is no pain, no struggle and no negative thoughts or stories zipping through your head of what MIGHT be happening.
6. Your thoughts.
You have around 80,000 – 120,000 thoughts per day. The majority of those (around 95%) are the exact same thoughts that you thought yesterday, last week, last month and last year.
YOU choose which you latch on to (or lasso) in any given moment.
Here is the thought cycle.
You have a thought. This triggers a feeling. You act on these feelings, which can often cause pain or stress.
The usual approach to break the cycle is to change the feelings. We try to change those feelings by looking outside of ourselves. We throw food, alcohol, drugs, money, sex at it in the hope it will numb those feelings or give us some temporary release.
But what would have more impact is to tackle the thought that caused the feeling.
You have a conveyor belt of thoughts constantly scrolling through your mind.
Chose to latch on to the good, uplifting thoughts. Not the destructive, negative, upsetting 'what if' thoughts.
When you catch yourself, having latched onto a destructive thought, stop. Smile to yourself (for catching it) and consciously think about something else instead. Or go do something - changing your physiology is a great way to snap out of destructive thoughts.
Lastly.
Look. Controversial, I know, but there is no need to worry about your girlfriend and her ex.
Bring your focus back to you and this moment. Find out what is being triggered in you and work through it.
The rest will fall into place.
Hope that helps,
Gina x
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Have your questions answered in A-Gay-Ny Aunt
To have your questions answered anonymously in A-Gay-Ny Aunt, please DM Gina or send an email to discovery@ginabattye.com
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About Gina Battye
Gina Battye is a world-renowned Authenticity, Psychological Safety and LGBT+ Inclusion Consultant and Trainer for Multinational Corporations, Fortune 500s, TV, Film and the Global Press.
As a media friendly experienced expert, with an acting background, Gina's work has been featured widely in the media, including:
Sky News, BBC Radio, Forbes, Psychologies, Cosmopolitan.
Media Enquiries | Authentic Self Process | 5 Pillars of Psychological Safety