The accountant that can't count to 4

Our bambino's, the wonderful twin boys that we welcomed into the world in August 2022, are now 7 months old. As promised, I wanted to give regular updates on stuff, coz I think it's good to share and most guys (generalisation that appears to be true) are pretty shit at it. Just saying.

1: Counting to 4 is really hard.

Confession. I'm a recovering chartered accountant. I'm qualified. I sometimes help people with financial advice. I love maths and problem solving with numbers. But for the love of god, when Becca says "4 scoops in each bottle" I get some point through the procedure and stare longingly and confused at the bottle.

Was that scoop 2 or 3? Or 4? Not 4...definitely 2 or 3. I know the nurse said 'be precise' and I'm meant to level every scoop, but what's the side effect. Should I start again. Wait, maybe it was 3? SH1T, when did low level counting get so hard!

That is my inner voice that I've given you insight to, and it's made up of a combination of context switching, intense tiredness, and what is commonly known as 'baby brain'. Today on the bus I counted all the way to 10, without using my fingers, just to prove I could. Nailed it.

2: Special Projects to BAU

So last time I posted about the little buggers, I talked about how bath time was a project, and we felt like a SWAT team.

Well that had to change, and wowsers, it really has. We had the wonderful assistance of Becca's parents for 3 months, and one of the battles we took on was the wretched screaming and performance at bath time...and that was just us!

Suddenly, over night, bath time became:

• fun
• scheduled on time every night
• something we look forward to
• BAU that requires NO project plan

In fact, just to show of, Bathtime 1.0 was a 2 person job, all hands on deck. Well I'm proud to confirm that we've both done bath times whilst the other parent is out of the house. Bathtime 2.0 is a truck load easier! Same bath, same kids, same parents...more confident in the routine.

It's a great reminder for an old fart like me, that new skills and stuff can appear pretty daunting at first, but if you persevere, your confidence grows and it gets better. We used to dread it. Bathtime 1.0 involved smelling the kids and asking "can they go another day?".

3: Sleep like a SEAL team or sleep like a CAT?

So I know that there are LOTS of differences between cats and babies, but early on, someone in passing had said "they sleep for ages and there isn't much for you to do really. Like cats."

Having l lived in houses with cats from an early age, I can safely say that the sleeping patterns of twin boys have ZERO correlation to that of a cat. Or less than zero.

Thankfully, as we approached 7 months, there were a series of breakthroughs that made the cats/kids slightly more predictable on the sleep front, but a good solid nap still feels like an unachievable treat. And nights out? A friend had gifted us to tickets to a comedy night. We were sooo excited. We got a baby sitter. Put on adult clothes that weren't covered in sick or milk. Masked the bags under our eyes. And we went out out. 2 beers each out! On a school night too!

Like all good parents, we left the venue just before the end to beat the rush for the car park and to get a clear run home! And we were safe and sound at home by 11.30pm, thoroughly depressed at quite how late it was. Ha!

If I was giving advice to a future parent on multiples, I would skip the baby books and go straight for Navy Seal training. 5 days? A breeze! That's an easy week.

Try standing in an aisle in Woolworths, knowing deep down that you were told at least 5 times before you left the house, exactly what items were required. Strolling through the bread lane thinking "do we need bread? Do I even like bread?"

One trick we've applied is tag team. Becca's suggestion! #teamwork! So we prioritised my sleep at night, and then when they were supposed to have a big nap during the day, I'd look after them if they woke so she could get a nap. Sleep deprivation is shocking, so any tricks to combat it and feel remotely human, are really important.

Divide and conquer have become crucial, but so has trust. Like any team really.

4: Get Out

This feels like a lesson for remote work, more than it does for kids, but it applies equally well. GET OUT. There have been too many days where because of logistics, tiredness, nappies, weather, feed time, sleep time, wake time...etc...you just don't leave the house. And trust me, packing up a car and going anywhere feels like a 4 week holiday for 40 mins away! But every time we don't do it, the walls start to come in...and every time we do, it's a win for everyone. Fresh air, exercise, new sights and sounds for the boys that entertain them, and vitamins from sunshine.

We were fortunate to have Becca's parents over for 3 months over Xmas. I've listened a lot to some amazingly inspirational people like Anita Heiss AM. DLitt. and Jeff Hardy about respecting and listening to Elders. Having worldly wise and remarkably calm people around, and the extra set of hands, meant that going out became less of a chore and more of a treat. There's just a perspective you get after 80 years on the planet, that means 'life things' make more sense, and the kids loved being spoilt!

Getting out also has made me realise how a change of perspective and environment is good for the soul. I've applied it to work now, where as I feel the red mist rising, I can usually remove myself from the situation and get a fresh lens on stuff.

5: Family Unit Communications Kit (F.U.C.K)

I don't know how good or bad we were at communications BC (before children), but it feels like a massive forcing function to improve them.

What I have realised though, is the different fidelity of communications:

• day to day updates that are shared hourly, around who ate what, who filled a nappy, who should but hasn't, who's been sick, who's not slept etc...every data point goes into the tired brain, gets processed and comes up with a fresh course of action
• time away comm's. I did trips to the UK and US for work, and have occasional days in the office. The odd text with a cute picture and an update on something fun, helps keep us all in the loop on the day.
• work/adult comm's; I didn't initially realise the importance of this one. I probably kept quiet about my day at work, or the enjoyment of a presentation, or feedback from a workshop. But then I realised that Becca was craving an insight into adult world, and there was nothing for me to filter or feel guilty about.
• Couple Comm's; this is the bit we've had to work on the most to carve out time, and space for. It needs purposeful conversation, to be present, and actively listen. It's normally the LAST thing you want to do, but it's the glue. It's the re-assurance that you're both in it. The realisation that you're both doing an OK job. The acceptance that it's scary and all new. The sharing of needs, wants, feedback, considerations. The honest chat that we're first time parents of any kids, let alone twins, and it's OK to not know everything all the time.

Someone should really publish a F.U.C.K Guide for New Parents.

6: Routine is both Important and Optional

Everyone has their own views on this, and they tend to differ a lot. My realisation is that routine has been our saviour, but it's not been our religion.

With twins especially, routine feels important as laisez faire would result in complete anarchy. But we're also regularly reminded that they are kids, and they'll often do what they want. Text book one minute, and rebels the next.

But also as Mum and Dad, the routine doesn't always suit us!

The lasting lesson has been to experiment and learn from it. Too strict was restrictive and no-one was happy. The other week, our experiment was a dinner party at a friends where we hoped that they'd sleep in the buggy. They didn't. They had Grade A FOMO and sat up having cuddles and flirting the entire night whilst we ate. But they were also super well behaved. And it didn't interrupt their sleep that night.

Again, it made me think how many times we religiously apply something without thinking, when a bit of exploration might not do any harm. All for of us had a good night, every got kiddy cuddles, and they caught up on their sleep.

7: Dark Days are Real

I'll just say it. I really didn't enjoy my return to work after paternity leave, and there were a few really dark days. It's to be expected, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I'm fortunate that I've got an amazingly supportive partner in Becca, and some great friends who I can have genuine conversations with.

The confluence of the situation for me was;

• not a great re-onboarding experience at work
• confusion about where I worked best. At home where I could help but was distracted, or work where I felt efficient but useless.
• new roles and blurry roles. Life felt easy before kids. And I think I thought I knew what a "Dad" was. But I'd never been one. The combination of a new really important role, along with grappling to understand what that meant for me as a boyfriend, and a friend, and an employee and a colleague, and a son and a brother etc...I spent too long thinking I was rubbish at everything rather than acknowledging that stuff had just changed.

The realisation was that trying to boil 4 pots on the stove at the same time is tough. Even harder when you want to boil 6 pots but you've only got 4 hobs. There is only 24 hours in the day, and any attempt to be a superhero at all roles, is a fools errand. But it's an easy trap to fall into.

For Dad's especially that don't have a mothers group, and might not know what to do, just talk it through. And find someone who's recently been through something similar and just listen. It's all manageable with some techniques.

8: Projects, teams, and milestones

There is no Ship Date with kids. But we're learning to operate with projects, teams and milestones.

The TEAM unit has changed. We had Becca's parents over for 3 months, so we changed Roles and Responsibilities, and we had a fresh Working Agreement, which included me having to wear clothes around the house. The team will alter for a week in April when I go to Vegas for a week for work, and Becca's best friend moves in to look after my wine collection. Again, roles change.

Projects are fun, and they have moments to celebrate. Operation Solids was a new phase for everyone. We started out with mushed up veg in the afternoon, progressed to mushed up porridge with fruit, and the list goes on. Projects require plans, often new equipment, some fresh practices and procedures, and new things to look out for (allergies!).

And milestones are the important achievements to celebrate. Sleeping through. Rolling over. Mumbles. Birthdays. Whatever it is. However small. A simple acknowledgement of progress and success...but never the end.

Learning, discussing, and celebrating, have become integral elements of our operating rhythm.

And finally...

I'm not a traditional kinda guy. But there was something temporary about the team, that I wanted to make permanent, so we've moved Becca from a long term contractor, to an FTE. And she's made herself CEO!

NB: Someone will pipe up that Linkedin is for business. I don't have nice clean lines between work, parenting, relationships, laughter, tears, teams, social, friendships etc...and I've learnt a LOT about me as a colleague from being a new Dad.

If there's any new Dad out there struggling, read & chuckle, then yell if you need help.