All Must Heed the Traffic Cop

When I was 7 years old, I took piano lessons. That lasted until I was about 7 1/2 years old, because 7 year olds aren't great at commitment.

Still, it was an impactful period because I learned how to play a song called The Traffic Cop. And while I can no longer play it, I can sing it. I remember all the words.

(Imagine me singing this. I sound like Adele, right???)

I didn't think much of that song after that. I didn't see a big market for traffic cops by the time I was coming of age, so I set my sights on Procurement.

(Not really. I'm in Procurement because I made eye contact with the wrong person in 1986. It all happened so fast after that.)

Having spent a few years in Procurment (2024 minus 1986, carry the 7... um, a long time), here is what I know:

People think that Procurement exists to stop you from getting what you want.

The truth is, and it hurts me a little bit to say this, Procurement has become the Traffic Cop of spend management.

If it were up to us, we'd get you two times exactly what you wanted with same-day delivery. We'd get you the better model! We'd have them paint some of that fancy gold-leaf on it so it looks really shiny. We would even toss a box of jelly beans into every order! And if you only like the red and purple jelly beans, well, we'd pay a vendor to pick out the yellow and green ones with sterilized tools so you got only the ones you liked!

We're pretty nice people, all things considered.

But here's what happens - those other groups, the ones who probably aren't as nice as us and probably don't want you to have jelly beans, they start making rules.

• You can't let anybody buy the that fruit-based brand of laptops! Those don't comply with our standard! Tell them no!
• Is it in their budget? It has to be in their budget, If it's not, tell them no!
• A security assessment is needed! Nothing is moving forward before that has been done. I don't care if they want it tomorrow - tell them no!
• We don't allow 1099 contractors - tell them no!
• A Capital Request Appropriation Project Form is required. Until they submit the C.R.A.P. form, tell them no!

These are all hypotheticals, although somewhere out there is a form that has the initials C.R.A.P. I'm sure of it.

In every role I've been in within the Sourcing and Procurement family, it is true that the Procurement group is the Keeper of Everyone's Rules.

I have become the Traffic Cop I sang about when I was 7.

It's not always fun. We get a lot of grief about it, but we try to smile on the outside even if, on the inside, we want to pummel people with a pool-noodle.

We try to push back on being everyone's traffic cop but here's the thing - we end up gaining an understanding about why it's important for those other groups to have those rules, and for us to play that traffic cop role. Ultimately, our job is to do the best thing for the company and that includes elements of cost and risk management that our internal customers may not always understand or agree with.

Before you pummel us with a pool noodle, ask us why. We'll explain, to the best of our ability. Or we'll refer you to the group that made the rule - IT or HR or Accounting - so they can better explain it. Also, know that we will always focus on ways to make it better, more efficient, less painful.

Linda Metzler may have quit piano lessons, but she never quit Procurement. OK, well, sure - she quit Procurement a couple times but its siren song always lured her back in.

Linda likes to write about Procurement stuff, but sometimes those essays come laden with useless information about pool noodles and piano lessons.

And even though she quit piano lessons at 7 1/2, she would occasionally take her older sister's piano book and teach herself a song from it, which is how she learned to play One Tin Soldier when she was 10. That Billy Jack movie, it left a mark. Some days in her Procurement role, she feels like Billy Jack, defending what is right and good, only she's not a hapkido martial arts master and has only an invisible mental pool noodle to smack people down.