All You Need Is Love...Languages

This year my wife and I celebrated eight years of marriage and 11 years of dating. We were able to break free of the kids and have some rare time alone to reflect on the journey. Yes, marriage is most definitely a journey, not a destination. It's a verb actually. Look it up. Actually don't. It's a noun, but someone should change the definition because it's misleading.

You don't just "arrive" at a marriage as a destination. It requires effort. It's actually a miracle cro-magnon man me was able to capture the heart of an evolved species like my wife. She of an emotional PhD to my stone tablet of emotional intelligence. She must have seen the DIYer in me and knew, given the right tools, I could handle the work ahead.

Like most about-to-be newlyweds back then, we read various topics on "marriage for dummies". The most important one? "The 5 Love Languages", by Gary Chapman. I'm in no way receiving any compensation for endorsing this book by Gary, but you should check it out. If nothing else it will provide the foundation for what I'm going to talk about here in a moment and frame a deeper understanding why your employees might give you the feedback they do, and why despite your best your leadership efforts, team or individual performance still seems a bit stuck in the mud.

Inspecting The 5 Love Languages

The basis of the Five Love Languages is that each person in a relationship is wired to think, feel, need and respond greatest to being actively loved through one or two primary ways and if two people in a relationship can demonstrate love in those ways then a relationship will hit utopian levels of happiness. I made up the utopian part, but you get my point. Find out how the person you are in a relationship with needs to be loved and give that to them the most.

Chapman cites the following 5 love languages which form the cornerstones of his research and methodology:

• Words Of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Receiving Gifts
• Acts Of Service
• Physical Touch

Did you know? Most people's first instinct is to give love in the way that makes THEM feel the most happy if they were to receive it.

Example: A partner whose primary love language is receiving gifts, has been burning both ends of the candle at work and there is stress at home. They sense it. Their spouse senses it. It's in the air. They surprise their significant other with a gift and tell them they're sorry about the lack of presence they've been able to give over the last few months and things will get better soon. They smile and appreciate the gift. A few days of elevated happiness are manufactured, but things remain in a stall and they can't figure out why.

What they didn't realize is that their spouse's primary love language is quality time and their first instinct was to love them with a gift.

The longer you continue to deprive someone of their primary love language the longer they remain in an emotional flat spin out to sea.

Typically we only think of serious relationships being those of spouse or partner, but there is one other major, serious relationship that most people are in. An employment relationship. The employment relationship - one between manager and employee is typically a person's second most important relationship in their life outside of their family. The stakes are incredibly high, filled with daily feedback, coaching, stress and most importantly emotional delight.

Applying Chapman's 5 Love Languages at Work

As a leader, your ability to create a winning culture is greatly influenced by how you "love" your people. And everyone has a different love language. Even at work.

Primary Love Language #1 - Words of Affirmation

Performance coaching approach - verbal and/or written praise.

• Quick tip At your next staff meeting, all hands or 1:1 let that person know how much their contributions are appreciated and what an excellent job they did on a recent project. Write a thank you card to them. Don’t let these individuals “assume” you appreciate them. You must tell them. Often. They need to feel it to achieve their best work selves.

Primary Love Language #2 - Quality Time

Performance coaching approach - spend time getting to know, mentoring, listening and building relationships with these individuals away from the daily routines of the work day.

• Quick tip Instead of your normal approach to meetings with your team members, head to the local coffee shop or even better head outside for a walking meeting. Leave your phone in the office. Find a place without distraction, phones buzzing or laptops flashing with chat messages. This quiet one on one time is a precious commodity to building performance inspiration. These individuals desire proximity to their managers. Access. They need to feel “connected”.

Primary Love Language #3 - Receiving Gifts

Performance coaching approach - reward achievement with small gifts as acknowledgement of performance and effort. Simple, but believe me these gift receivers have received a lot of gifts in their time. They love gifts! Try to be creative.

• Quick tip Stock up on gift cards for movies or coffee, in-demand products like Yeti cups or tickets to a ball game. Order a gift basket of sweets to their home. Send a restaurant gift card home to their spouse telling how much you appreciate their contributions and to enjoy a night out at their favorite restaurant on you.

Primary Love Language #4 – Acts of Service

Performance coaching approach – inspire or reward with small gestures to lighten their project loads or to do list. These individuals know you care and want to work hard for you because you understand how to appreciate them by doing small favors. To them these are things that leave a lasting impact to the type of leader you are.

• Quick tip Ask to see a project or priority list of what they are working on that is mission critical. Take something off their plate that has minimal impact. Surprise your team or associate by taking care of a catering order or handling something they won’t need to and send them home for the day/weekend. It may seem small to you, but it may be huge for them.

Primary Love Language #5 – Physical Touch

Performance coaching approach – to avoid any HR policy violations I don't recommend launching into an office hug-a-thon or standing up a free hugs booth. Remember, everyone has a different love language. Find ways to get out and give congrats and praise in the form of high fives and fist bumps.

• Quick tip Instead of sending that one line email thanking someone on your team for their late night work to meet a last minute deadline; walk over to their desk and give them a huge high five. Then do it again. With a big smile tell them how awesome they are doing. They won't soon forget the adrenaline rush of admiration they feel in that moment.

There are many ways to inspire performance and build a winning work culture on your team, but everyone needs to feel “connected” and “appreciated” differently to achieve the best version of themselves.

Relationship Tip of the Day

The next time you wake up on a Saturday morning after you’ve been traveling for work all week and think your spouse would really appreciate you mowing the lawn, edging the shrubs and bagging the fall leaves for 5 hours; ask yourself if your spouse’s love language is acts of service or quality time.

If it’s the latter I recommend making breakfast in bed and spending some extra time in pajamas with just the two of you.

Opening Things Up

How do you show appreciation and praise? How have the best leaders you’ve worked for ignited a performance culture? Tag a great leader (they may be a words of affirmation person:-)) Thanks for staying along for the journey! Love to hear your comments.

#leadership

Here are some recent posts I've written:

• The Day Recruiting Died
• Unlocking Da Vinci's Resume Code
• Why Intellectual Capital Trumps All
• My First Job: How French Fries Fueled My Career

About the author: Philip is a proud dad to two daughters, husband and avid DIYer who is deeply passionate about recruiting and enjoys putting pen to paper every now and then in the hope that someone reading finds a pebble of humor or inspiration within an ocean of much more credible content widely available.

Connect with Philip on Twitter @newman or on LinkedIn.