Allow Yourself to Suck

Dear Hunter,

 The thought of writing this book scares me—truly. There are not many challenges in life that I find more imposing than the blank page of a computer screen and a blinking cursor. This is not a new feeling to me. Often, when I am faced with a daunting project or goal I become paralyzed with feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and fear that, if left unchecked, will result in inaction and ultimately in no progress. I have no doubt that you will find yourself in similar situations with similar thoughts throughout your life. This is a very common phenomenon. In fact, I would venture to say that most people experience this feeling in some form. Unless we take the time to examine this phenomenon and create strategies for overcoming these feelings, it is likely that our lives will be only a shadow of our true potential.

Les Brown once said, “The graveyard is the richest place on earth because it is here that you will find all the hopes and dreams that were never fulfilled, the books that were never written, the songs that were never sung, the inventions that were never shared, the cures that were never discovered, all because someone was too afraid to take that first step, keep with the problem, or determined to carry out their dream.”

 Read that quote again, please.

The truth of this quote saddens and shakes me to my core. Life is miraculous and precious, and so are the ideas that our minds spawn. To think of the magnitude of ideas, hopes, and dreams that go unfulfilled—not because of a lack of talent, ambition, or opportunity, but because of fear—is a tragedy. Fear of what? Fear of failure? Fear of rejection? Fear of looking foolish? There are no tigers waiting in the brush to maul us because our ideas, goals, and ambitions aren’t good enough. If it wasn’t so tragic, it would be hysterical. Make no mistake—we are not talking about weak people. We are talking about people that by all outward appearances are strong, capable, and determined. However, deep inside us is a demon who taunts us with incessant, negative messages of self-doubt aimed at convincing us to keep our heads down and follow the crowd. 

Stay in line. Don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable to rejection. You are not good enough to be successful. You don’t deserve recognition. Your ideas are garbage. 

If you knew anyone else that talked to you like this, you wouldn’t invite them over to your house for drinks often. Yet, we live with this voice embedded in our minds every waking hour of every day of our lives. The demon is a relic of our prehistoric ancestors whose survival relied on this strategy: to go with the flow, follow the pack, and keep your head down. Today, this demon is an existential threat to our actualization as human beings. Learning to deal with and overcome this threat is an essential life skill that is unlikely to be found in the curriculum of your formal education. Further, to my knowledge, there is no eliminating this demon; there are only strategies for dealing with him. 

I have spent my entire adult life sparring with this demon. I’ve tried various forms of meditation, therapy, and medication. I’ve found some relief and some success in each of those efforts. However, I have found one strategy to be more effective than the others. It is simple. It is cheap. In some ways, it is silly. But I have found it powerful enough to share it with you. The strategy is to allow yourself to suck. Yep. That’s it. Give yourself permission to suck. It’s more tactical than strategic, but it works for me. 

 As an example, as I am writing this book, my demon is relentless. 

A book to your son? What could you possibly have to say that would be worth reading? Your life has been a series of failures. Is that what you want to teach Hunter—how to fail? Even if you had something to say that was worth reading, you are a horrible writer with no sense of style or flow. There are hundreds of books that Hunter can read written by people of purpose, insight, and wisdom. Why confuse him with your meaningless drivel? By the way, when will you find the time to write this great book of yours? Give it up before you embarrass yourself.

These thoughts bounce around my brain like an echo chamber. To be blunt, it is flat-out painful. In response to pain, we are hardwired to take action to make the pain go away. The easiest way to make the pain stop, to turn down the volume of the demon’s taunts, is to give in to the demon.

 Yes, you are right. I don’t have anything of value to share. I am a terrible writer. I don’t know what I was thinking. I give up. You win.

 The demon wins. His voice subsides temporarily. The pain goes away. This book is never written. Although this response eliminates the immediate sharp pain of the demon’s haunting, it contributes to a dull ache in the heart that comes from giving up on your dreams that intensifies each time the demon wins. 

There is a form of martial arts called Judo (Japanese for the “gentle way”) that focuses on how to use your opponent's weight, strength, and momentum against him, while preserving your own mental and physical energy. My strategy of allowing myself to suck reminds me of this. 

Simply put-agree with the demon but do the work anyway. As you read this sentence, you have no idea what my demon is or isn’t saying to me as I was writing it. More important than my self-talk at that moment is that the sentence was written, you are reading it, and my demon loses. However, I couldn’t write that sentence and fight my demon at the same time. I just can’t. I don’t have that type of mental strength. So I don’t. I agree with the demon and give myself permission to suck.

Yes, you are right. I have nothing worth sharing or writing. I am a terrible writer. I’ll never finish even if I do start it. But . . . I am going to write today anyway. I am going to write the worst drivel that I can muster. I’m not trying to prove you wrong. You’ll see—it will be garbage. It will make for a good laugh. But . . . I am going to write today anyway.

It is tough to trick our minds like this, but I have found that it can be done. Today, as I write this letter, the only way that I was able to get my fingers to move on the keyboard and get words onto the screen was to truly “let myself suck.” Sometimes, I actually pretend that I am playing a part in a movie. My character is a horrible writer but loves to write anyway. Then I give myself permission to be that character. I distance myself from the quality of the output and just focus on doing the work. All the while, the demon is whispering in my ear—I know what you are doing. This isn’t going to work. You can’t fool me. In response, I figuratively nod my head in agreement. You are right. You are right. You are right. But . . . I am going to write today anyway.

I’ve used this strategy over and again in my lifetime. Fortunately, I have found that when I use this strategy it is only a matter of time before a miracle occurs. Yes, a miracle! Like Dorothy’s house falling on the Wicked Witch of the West, a new character emerges in the plot. A new voice can be heard at a volume that competes with and then overtakes the demon. This sleeping giant’s voice is filled with optimism and encouragement.

You can do this! You were born to do this! Don’t listen to the demon. Keep going. You’re doing great!

If you are reading this, it is because of this sleeping giant’s voice. Unfortunately, the demon’s voice is never silenced. Even when operating in the flow of the sleeping giant’s encouragement, the demon gets his voice heard from time to time, but his power is diminished once the sleeping giant awakens!

There may be other ways to awaken the sleeping giant, but I found fighting the demon with mental Judo to be the most effective. Another way to look at this phenomenon is to realize that action does not follow motivation. Many people wait to feel motivated before taking action. This is a losing strategy. Action and action alone awakens the voice of our motivated and positive self. The results are compounding. The more action we take towards achieving our goals, the more motivated we feel, and the more motivated we feel, the more action we take. The real barrier is overcoming the inertia of inaction. It is in this realm where the demon’s voice is the loudest and most painful. 

Most importantly, please know that your demon is wrong. It is always wrong. No matter how dark the days may become, no matter how loud the demon may scream, and no matter how much you feel the pressure to give in to the demon—your demon is always wrong. Please never forget this. I have spent too many precious days of my life convinced that there was truth in the demon’s lies, and it would pain me deeply for you to do the same.

Love, 

Dad