There is Always Hope!

1987 was a bad year me. The world was becoming a frightening, threatening place and I was withdrawing from it.

I was slowly retracting from my friends and family and spending most of my time alone. All I could see were numbers; numbers I used to try to ward off the intrusive thoughts I was having. 

Five was good; six was bad. 

This way of life became habitual as my Obsessional Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and depression shrunk who I was and I became a slave to anxiety and self-injury. My GP prescribed anti-depressants - some worked, but didn't free me entirely from my compulsions, from the endless cycles of counting: five sets of five, over and over...until things were too much...the pain and torture were too much...

I took an overdose. I had my stomach pumped and admitted to hospital and following a subsequent psychiatric assessment, I realised I desparately wanted to live. I determined there must be a way to beat OCD and depression; there must be someone who could help me recover! 

I was referred to a Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) who was also a gestalt psychotherapist, and slowly he helped me uncoil from the shell I was hiding in and shed light in the dark places in my life. I learnt to change my strengths into weaknesses and wear the scars from my battles with mental illness with pride. I learnt that there is always hope, no matter how faint.

I discovered writing and art; these forms of expression replaced the compulsions and helped me untangle the dark web of the past. It helped to be able to tell my story.

Then I discovered I could help others...that simply sitting with someone and listening was often enough.

Nowadays, I sit in a chair similar to the one my therapist used to sit in. I have the great privilege of helping others, whether its by being a nurse, a psychotherapist or a teacher; helping others is it's own reward. 

Don't get me wrong, there are dark days; days when the clouds return, but they don't last long. Hope keeps me going.

There is always hope!

Patrick Doyle, Director Training Innovations/ Person First Solutions