America's silent epidemic
Samantha Karlin
International Speaker | Leadership and Women's Issues Expert| Foreign Policy YouTube Host I Executive Coach
Trigger Warning: Domestic Violence
The following article contains discussions of domestic violence, including graphic descriptions of abusive behavior and its effects. If you feel that this content might be triggering or distressing, please proceed with caution. Your well-being is important, and you may choose to skip this article or seek support if needed.
Teaching a women’s leadership course that lasts for a year means that you see women through all different life experiences. And you become a confidant and coach when things happen to not just them, but to their friends, their children, their colleagues. You also become the go to for other women on the periphery who see you as a resource, a sage, a guide, an activist. I always feel touched and privileged when women come to me, and I do everything I can to help them process the situation at hand, and then channel their anger into activism.
Something that has come up numerous times is domestic violence. And it’s not only within my 100+ alums of my course but also my friends, my friends’ friends, my family – everywhere.
A month ago, it was a young woman murdered by strangulation by her boyfriend who was a former city councilman and self-proclaimed “family man.”
This week it was a woman who knifed across the face and is in multiple surgeries. It goes on and on and on.
And every time I am on the phone with one of those women who has either been through it themselves or is in shock, shaking with anger and sadness and horror over what has happened to their friend or sister or daughter, I feel it all over again with them. Because it’s disgusting that it still happens, and every time, I am still in disbelief.
(I will caveat that domestic violence does not only happen to women and can be flipped, but for the purposes of this article, we will focus on femicide)
As a leadership trainer, I teach emotional self-regulation. This is one aspect of emotional intelligence. This means that in situations where the fear center of your brain is triggered, the amygdala, you realize that your propensity in that moment biologically is fight, flight, or freeze. You realize that being a leader and a self-evolved human means you can’t indulge yourself in that primordial response – one that is useful in certain situations, but in many situations, is counterproductive.
You do whatever it takes to calm yourself down and get yourself back into the prefrontal cortex – the logical, decision–making area of the brain. The part of the brain that separates humans from animals – it is the higher-level thinking part of the brain.
Some self-soothing actions - taking deep breaths, going outside, taking a walk, going for a run or a swim, listening to soothing music, playing baskbetball, dancing, singing, taking a bath.
Then you come back to the situation with “a clear head,” and think through – what is my end goal? And what action will take me to my end goal? Even if that action is contrary to the emotion that you are currently experiencing.
One thing that makes domestic violence so distressing when you see someone with a complete and total lack of control over their amygdala to the extent that they perpetrate horrific violence against the person that they love. Also, in some cases it is premeditated, and not done in a moment of reactivity.
Alcohol and drug use makes this transition back to the prefrontal cortex much more difficult which is why we may have more trouble self – soothing or regulating if under the influence.
Domestic violence is one of those things that we often think happens to them, over there. That is until the beautiful, successful woman who we know and love starts saying things about her relationship that well, just don’t sound right. And then it comes out that he’s smashed her laptop, or phone, or both. Or choked her until she has passed out (not in a sexual way).
Or until the coercive and controlling behavior starts to peek up- monitoring social media accounts and needing to know where she is all the time. Realizing you haven’t seen her in a year because her boyfriend won’t “let her” go on a girl’s trip. Seeing her get paranoid and frantic because she has to call her partner right now because he is flipping out. Finding out he has major blow ups over minor things. Or has taken her credit cards so she must rely on him financially.
This week I was asked to provide commentary for The Daily Mail on Blake Lively’s lack of sensitivity to domestic violence victims after portraying a victim of domestic violence in the major motion picture, “It ends with us," alongside attorney Gloria Allred . (Not my usual media appearance, I know, but I digress)
I’m sharing the coverage in the Daily Mail here, but I wanted to provide the full commentary that I sent to the reporter to you all.
The main takeaways?
1) It’s way more common than you think it is. Domestic violence often happens in private environments, and the “why didn’t she just leave” mantra plays out over and over in the victim’s head, which makes her less likely to share and be vocal about it, as she is cloaked in shame. Especially if it’s a woman who has a career and reputation to uphold, she does not want to be perceived as a victim or somehow as someone not strong enough to stand up to her abuser.
Also, people of color who may have experienced unfair treatment by the police are also less likely to call the police, as are non-American citizens, whose partner may have threatened to get them kicked out of the country with any little tidbit of compromising information they may have about them.
2) Abusive relationships are a mix of absolutely awful and sometimes wonderful, which is why they are so hard to get out of. Abusive partners are intermittently reinforcing – cycling between small but horrifying outbursts of abusive behavior and then going 180 degrees in the opposite direction with effusive outpourings of love and gifts for sometimes weeks at a time before the next horrifying incident surfaces. In that period of time, they are the perfect boyfriend and partner and do absolutely everything possible to show their love to you. It is a mindf***.
3) The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she does finally decide to leave her partner. Actual or pending separation was present in 69% of femicide cases, in a study of 267 domestic violence cases. This is when the man flips out because he is losing control of the situation and of her. It threatens his masculinity and often he does have a very deep attachment and/or love for the person, in almost an obsessive way where she is his whole world. With some men who have this level of anger, they have often faced trauma in their past which they have confided about to their partner, and have leaned on for nurturance, love and support. Losing her is too much for him, and his perspective of maintaining control is not over himself, but over her. This time period is dangerous for the woman both from a physical perspective – she is at most risk for physical violence, and it is also most dangerous for her from a career perspective. This is when he threatens to destroy her life, her reputation, to tell her work any secret he may have on her (which she told him in privacy), to report her and get her deported, to hack her website, to call clients of hers, post online private or damaging information about her, etc.
4) The availability and prevalence of guns in America turns domestic violence that may not have ended up fatal into femicide. Over half of all intimate partner homicides are committed with guns. A woman is five times more likely to be murdered when her abuser has access to a gun Full stop. Femicide is often a term that we use to describe the death of women in other countries like infamously, Central American countries and Mexico. However, it is a silent epidemic that is happening here, under the cloak of darkness and secrecy. This is why gun violence is a women’s issue and a women’s issue us gun violence. I’d love to see much more collaboration between DV organizations and gun safety organizations. And if you care about stopping domestic violence stopping, you cannot divorce it from legislation around guns. They are inextricably tied together.
5) Watch for the signs. If a friend in a relationship has completely disappeared and at one point described coercive and controlling behavior, it may be because she is focusing on her partner, but it may also be more insidious than that. If she has described her partner as depressed and suicidal, beware. If she describes herself as being scared of her partner, beware. Whatever you do, do not shame her. She is already dealing with enough. Just do whatever it is you can to help, whether it is talking to her on the phone, helping her get into therapy, picking her up from her house when he flips and driving her somewhere the abuser can’t find her. Offering a room in your house for her to have temporary shelter. Help her find legal defense and counsel, or turn off her location notifications on her phone so he can’t find her. Investigate the resources available to her. Be on the alert and on call when she does try to break up with him, as he may go ballistic.
Here are some useful resources with warning signs to watch for that indicate domestic violence can turn fatal.
Here are my full answers to the reporter's questions on Blake Lively:
How disappointing is it for someone with a platform, starring in a movie about domestic abuse, to respond to serious questions like this instead of taking the opportunity to offer advice on where women can get support?
Beyond disappointing - it is a huge missed opportunity to push for change on a silent epidemic.
See answers below.
How damaging could this be to victims to watch someone making light of something so serious?
It is insulting to people who have experienced deep and sustained trauma and can invalidate their experiences. The amount of women outside of the courthouse when Christine Blasey Ford was bringing sexual assault to light in the Kavanaugh case wearing signs that said "Metoo" and sharing their stories of abuse - and were arrested because they were so passionate that they would not leave the street - was indicative of how many women suffer in silence and how needed awareness, accountability, and legislation are. I was there and I felt their visceral agony and pain.
In addition, sometimes abusive relationships are not so clear cut, because it's never all bad. DV partners are often a mix between abusive and incredibly "loving". Abusive actors double down on loving gestures after an abusive act to prove their love and keep someone in the relationship. Gifts, flowers, dinners, proclamations, favors, helping a girl out with various tasks, admiration, compliments, vacations, career opportunities, funding for their start up or nonprofit- it goes on and on. I've seen it all.
I worry that women who could have realized that they are in an abusive relationship, if Blake had utilized the opportunity to warn women of the signs instead of making narcissistic jokes, may have not.
I appreciate that she may not have loads of knowledge in this field or be wary of saying the wrong thing - but how could she have tried to handle this topic and use it to help others?
When you star in a movie about domestic violence - playing a survivor, you do your research. Full stop. She should have known that she was going to get questions about domestic violence and that women who are in DV situations may contact her looking for advice, courage, or resources. Domestic violence situations with partners are often very private and victims are consumed by shame and internal conflict, as most DV boyfriends are a mix between abusive and incredibly nurturing. It's never all bad, and abusive actors double down on loving gestures after an abusive act to prove their love and keep someone in the relationship.
I'm confused about how she could even portray this character well without doing research on domestic violence, particularly in America where the rate of femicide has been on the rise.
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Some stats she could have shared, and I encourage her to share:
Femicide occurring within the United States was 2.6 per 100,000 women in 2024, which remains one of the highest reported figures among high-income countries (and this is only the reported instances, it often isn’t, or the death is mischaracterized as something else).
The incidence of men murdering women has been on the rise in the United States, with an increase of 24% from 2014 to 2020.
Femicide is most often committed by a partner or ex-partner.
Women were eight times more likely to be murdered by a male acquaintance than a male stranger.
Every year, more than 600 American women are shot to death by intimate partners—roughly one every 14 hours. Appr. 3 women PER DAY are murdered in America by their partners or former partners.
She also could have called attention to pending firearm legislation in the US and the role that guns play in femicide, and pushed people to activate for more gun control, as guns are the main tool utilized in femicide in the US. The mere presence of a gun in a domestic violence situation increases the risk of femicide by 500 percent, according to a study published in the Harvard Law and Policy Review.
She also could have literally googled risk factors for femicide and how to know you're in a dangerous relationship. This could have served as an alarm to women who may not realize that they are in an abusive relationship that could quickly turn to femicide.
Regarding abuse:
Some signs of an abusive relationship (before it turns physical) according to the Newport Institute.
Warnings it can turn to femicide:
Has physical violence increased in severity or frequency over the past year?
Does he own a gun?
Have you left him after living together during the past year?
Has he ever choked you? (strangulation is now a felony in multiple states because of the proven correlation between strangulation and the propensity to elevate to femicide)
Has he ever destroyed your property?
About a month ago, I helped a friend prepare her comments for a candlelight vigil where a young woman was murdered by strangulation by her boyfriend, a former citycouncilman. The images of the death scene are so gruesome it would prevent anyone from talking about wearing their florals and what Virgos like to do on the weekends. Did she even google domestic violence in America before embarking on portraying this character or going into a press interview?? I'm genuinely confused.
There are also a TON of organizations who are struggling for funding and providing tons of resources for victims, from free counseling to legal representation to temporary housing. She could have literally had a list ready to point to.
Those who care could donate or push for change, and those experiencing DV could understand where to get support. This goes WAY beyond a domestic violence hotline.
She just didn't appreciate the gravity of the topic and how many women are going to that film and identifying with it, and are starving for advice, support, and resources. Many may be in situations that could and will turn to murder. She treated the interviews around the movie as if they were interviews around Gossip Girl, chickflick, or a rom com. I think that she is in a bubble of privilege and clearly didn't realize that embodying this role wasn't just about doing a good job acting, she was going to need to step into the role of activist.
This film represents a HUGE opportunity to push for change around domestic violence and gun legislation, and a potential call to many women to realize that their loving partner is in fact an abusive partner and to get the support they need to GTFO.
Marisa Hargitay started the Joyful Heart Foundation due to her role playing as an SVU detective in Law and Order, for example.
It looks like she is starting to realize her flawed responses and I hope that she now will understand that this isn't just a film to many people. This is an opportunity for change on a silent epidemic plaguing the US. It's a validation of the trauma and abuse that they suffered, often in shame and silence.
I hope she will become a voice pushing for legislation around guns and DV - even if she is a figurehead and pulls in the real activists who can cite all the facts, she could have a huge impact.
All is not lost, Blake!
Some resources and stats:
Take Action and be an advocate for change:
Resources for victims:
Research:
Advocate
4mo💕