The Art and Skill of Paying a Sincere Compliment

A client told me she had complimented an employee recently and was surprised when he ROLLED HIS EYES at her. She said, "I couldn't believe it. I was genuinely trying to praise his work, but for some reason, he felt it was insincere."

Have you ever had that happen?

That's because there's an art and a skill to giving a compliment that feels authentic.

If we hand out sweeping praise in a rushed or casual way, it can come across as phony.

The thing is, in these challenging times, it's more important than ever to take the initiative to give compliments that help people feel that what they do matters.

Why? You've probably heard about the Great Resignation and the recent Gallup Poll that reports, "65% of American workers felt unappreciated at work."

The good news, anyone can give well-deserved praise. You don't have to be the boss.

Starting today, you can make the people you work with, for, and around feel appreciated with these six steps.

The Art and Skill of Paying a Sincere Compliment ... in Six Steps

"When someone does something good, applaud! You will make two people happy." - Samuel Goldwyn

1. If you see something, say something. Don't wait for the annual performance review to give feedback. If a coworker puts in a 60-hour work week, they deserve to hear about it now, not six months from now. Positive feedback that immediately follows an above-and-beyond contribution is confirmation this mattered. In an absence of feedback, we wonder if anyone noticed or cared and wonder if it was worth what we poured into it.
2. Avoid commonly-used words that come across as platitudes. I asked my client what she said that might have elicited the eye roll. She said, "I told him 'You did an awesome job on that." Aha. Words like "good, great, amazing, super" are meaningless because they're generic. The person may have spent hours, (days? weeks?) on this project and casual words aren't commensurate with the skill and effort invested.
3. Specificity is the key to sincerity. Instead of tossing off a "Nice job," which could be said to anyone about anything, ask yourself what they did that was unique to that situation. The more concrete the compliment, the more concrete the impact. Number your points so they're verifiable. "Here are three things you did that made that meeting efficient and effective. 1) You started on time instead of waiting for latecomers. 2) You put a 2 minute time limit on speaking to hold people accountable for getting to the point instead of rambling. 3) You wrapped up by summarizing who was responsible for doing what, when, so everyone was clear on the actions to be taken."
4. Clarify how their performance contributed to the bottom-line. Did their efforts land a new client? Prevent a costly mistake or misunderstanding? Help meet a pressing deadline? Use metrics to quantify how their contribution generated a certain amount of money, increased 5 star-ratings, or exceeded a quota. Ask yourself, "Could they put this in their personnel file as documented proof of how they added value to our organization?" If so, your compliment could aid that person's career advancement.
5. Say how you feel to add emotional context. Compliments mean more when they come from the heart and the head. Are you grateful? Relieved? Impressed? Say that. A left-right brain compliment is objective and subjective, professional and personal. It addresses the actual performance and result and also has a human element of warmth that shows this is heartfelt. "The community service project you initiated with the YMCA gave more than 100 boys and girls in our area a Christmas they wouldn't have had otherwise, and gave our department a group project we were all proud to be part of."
6. Turn a one-way compliment into a two-way conversation. Some people are embarrassed to receive compliments because they don't know what to say. They may even pass off praise with "Ahh, it was nothing." You can avoid awkwardness by asking them to unpack their process, "How did you figure out how to do that?" Inquiring about next steps gives the conversation somewhere to go and makes it a dialogue instead of a monologue. Asking, "How do you suggest we include this at our next employee orientation so everyone knows how to handle this situation from now on?" gives them an opportunity to be an expert, leverages their learning, and imprints/scales its impact.

You've heard that rewarded behavior gets repeated? So does complimented behavior.

When you give positive, proactive feedback that articulates what people are doing well, they're more likely to do it again. The bonus is, it makes you feel good too.

As Rabbi Harold Kushner said, "When you carry out acts of kindness, you get a wonderful feeling inside. Something inside your body says, 'Yes, this is how I ought to feel."

You might want to share this post at an upcoming staff meeting.

I'll always remember suggesting this during a Tongue Fu! training for a government agency and a participant said, "I've worked here for fifteen years, and I can't think of the last time someone paid me a compliment."

Yikes. That's why it's important to stop waiting and start initiating. Go around the table and ask everyone in your meeting to cite a time they received a meaningful compliment.

How did it affect them?

Chances are, doing this will lead to a rising-tide conversation that motivates team members to be more proactive about giving praise. And that's a win for everyone.