19. Should You Have High Expectations of Others or Not? —Personal Context is Key: Overcoming Indecisiveness
Wafa Damlaj, HR PhD Student
Follow for weekly insights on overcoming indecision by understanding your personal context | HRBP at Amazon | HRD PhD Student Univ. of Texas at Tyler |
Series Overview
No wonder you sometimes feel hesitant and indecisive when receiving advice from AI, experts, social media, or loved ones, as these sources often provide conflicting guidance, which only adds to your confusion. This happens because no one understands your personal context better than you do. Without that context, external input can feel irrelevant. The key is to integrate outside advice with your own decision-making skills.
That’s why the "Personal Context is Key: Overcoming Indecisiveness" series has come to life. It presents two opposing viewpoints on a given topic, illustrating that while both perspectives have compelling arguments and solid foundations, the ultimate right choice for you depends only on your current situation and unique circumstances. Thus, understanding and applying your personal context is essential for making decisions that truly align with your capabilities, needs, and goals.
- Oh snap! You have an idea for this series that you'd like to share with the public? My platform is open for any contributions, whether it's just a topic suggestion or a complete article. All contributions will be credited!
Article #19: Should You Have High Expectations of Others or Not?
In collaboration with Samar Kamaleddine , this article explores the debate over whether we should have high or low expectations of others, presenting opposing perspectives on the matter.
Samar is an HR professional based in Lebanon, holding a Bachelor's degree in Business and a Human Resources Business Partner Professional Certificate. With extensive expertise in talent acquisition, she has worked as a Talent Advisory Specialist for a startup, delivering recruitment solutions to both organizations and individuals.
Samar’s diverse background includes recruiting for a language center, providing HR consulting for a nonprofit organization, and serving as an HR trainee at the renowned oriental sweets company, Hallab 1881 Group , in Tripoli, Lebanon.
Written by Samar:
In a recent conversation with my cousin Wafa—whose insightful and often deep conversations with me can last over an hour—we found ourselves discussing a thought-provoking topic: should we set high or low expectations of others? Our perspectives were quite different, which made the discussion even more interesting. With both excitement and curiosity to explore this topic further, I decided to team up with Wafa to dive deeper into the debate.
To begin, it's important to clarify what we mean by "expectations." Are we referring to our expectations of ourselves, of others in different contexts, or the expectations others place on us? In the read below we will focus specifically on the expectations we set for other people.
Additionally, it’s important to define what we mean by "expectations," as the way I interpret it might differ from how others see it. In this context, we should distinguish between expectations, standards, hopes, and entitlement:
Having High Expectations of Others
Many believe in the power of high expectations, arguing that it not only motivates others but also brings a sense of fulfillment. When you set high expectations for someone, it creates a standard they strive to meet. As Harvey Whitney explains in “The Power of Great Expectations”, effective leaders understand that people tend to rise to the expectations set for them. In short: high expectations foster high performance.
Expectations shape how others interact with us, whether in personal or professional settings. By setting expectations, we signal the behaviors, attitudes, and values we’re willing to accept from those around us. They define how we engage with others and what we believe is possible in these interactions.
Jeph Juergens, in his article “Why You Should Keep Expectations of Others High”, shares his belief that when he invests effort into a relationship, he expects the same in return. He says, “I feel as though we all owe certain obligations to others based on our relationship to them, and they, in turn, owe certain obligations to us.” The balance between giving and taking doesn’t have to be a strict 50-50, but as long as it’s balanced over time, expectations are met, and relationships thrive.
High expectations also demonstrate respect. By holding someone to a high standard, you show that you believe in their potential. It reflects your confidence in what they can achieve. At the same time, it is a form of self-respect, as the expectations you set establish how you expect to be treated and the level of performance you anticipate.
Furthermore, setting high expectations encourages ambition. It pushes people to aim higher, always striving for the best outcome—whether it’s an optimal interaction, result, or behavior. High expectations create a culture of continuous improvement, where individuals are always looking to reach their fullest potential.
However, some argue that high expectations can lead to disappointment when others fail to meet them. Juergens addresses this by saying, “When others do not live up to my expectations, it’s perfectly fine. No one else is under any obligation to live their life according to my standards.” While disappointment is inevitable at times, the loss of setting low expectations can be far greater. At least with high expectations, we can endure the occasional letdown without sacrificing our ambitions.
Both Jeph Juergens and Harvey Whitney view high expectations as aspirational. Even if those expectations are impossible to fully achieve, aiming high is essential for growth. As Whitney puts it, “Through it all, we must dare to dream, because great performance begins with great expectations.” When everyone meets your expectations easily, perhaps they aren’t high enough. To reach the best, we must set the bar higher.
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Having Low Expectations of Others
One of the biggest advantages of low expectations is that it shields us from disappointment. When expectations aren’t met, we often find ourselves overwhelmed by negative emotions. The intensity of these emotions depends on the situation, but in every case, we must deal with the weight of unmet expectations. By lowering our expectations, we protect ourselves from these emotional setbacks.
Emily Maher, in her article “Lowering Expectations: The Secret to Healthy and Happy Relationships”, argues that lowering expectations is essential for maintaining healthy and happy relationships. High expectations, she explains, often lead to entitlement—making us feel we deserve to be treated in a particular way or for others to meet our emotional needs. This sense of entitlement can erode relationships.
Additionally, high expectations are often based on our own values and priorities, not on the individual we're dealing with. People are not to blame when they fail to meet these expectations, especially when their own values and priorities differ. Maher highlights how unfair it is to impose our values on others, as it can lead to unnecessary conflict. Expecting others to live up to standards they never agreed to can damage a relationship that could otherwise flourish.
Another benefit of having low expectations is that it encourages selflessness. By giving without expecting immediate returns, we foster deeper, more enduring connections. Healthy relationships often require extra effort and sacrifice, and sometimes, those around us need us more than we need them. Lowering our expectations helps us navigate these situations with greater ease.
Additionally, when we set high expectations, we can fall into the trap of always expecting from others rather than ourselves. Low expectations encourage us to meet our own needs internally, without relying on others to fulfill them. This self-reliance can create a more balanced and fulfilling life.
Lowering expectations also helps us appreciate people for who they truly are, without trying to fit them into a mold shaped by our own values and desires. Susie Pettit, in her article “Happiness Comes with Lower Expectations”, explains that lowering expectations allows us to accept reality as it is, without resistance. When we set high expectations in hopes of an ideal relationship, we often find ourselves frustrated with the reality of the situation—because we cannot control others' actions or outcomes.
Furthermore, low expectations often lead to pleasant surprises. By not constantly expecting the best from others, we can enjoy things as they come and embrace the inevitable changes that life brings. As change is the only constant, allowing ourselves to let go of rigid expectations creates more room for enjoyment and kindness. It’s better to see people and situations for what they are and appreciate them, rather than resisting or forcing them into an idealized version. Ultimately, low expectations help us focus on the reality of who people truly are and the nature of our experiences, free from the pressure that high expectations often impose.
Finding Your Balance
[Samar's reflection] After reflecting on both perspectives, the key takeaway is that balance is essential. High expectations can be powerful when dealing with people in specific contexts, such as professionally or with those you believe can rise to your expectations. They drive growth, motivate performance, and help build trust and respect.
However, low expectations also serve an important purpose. In certain situations, they allow us to accept people for who they truly are, without the pressure of demanding more than they can offer. Low expectations help us avoid disappointment and create space for understanding and compassion in our relationships.
The trick is knowing when to apply high or low expectations—this requires awareness. It’s not about always aiming high or lowering your standards, but about setting the right expectations for the right circumstances. Context matters, and we should learn to adapt our expectations accordingly.
Another crucial aspect to consider is having standards. Our standards should but consistently updated, reflecting what we believe is an optimal relationship or interaction. These standards show us what the best version of a relationship looks like and motivate us to continually strive for better, not just with others, but with ourselves too.
Along with that, maintaining high hopes for improvement keeps us optimistic about life. It fuels our drive for growth, progress, and fulfillment in all areas.
For me, the perfect balance lies in having high standards, setting the right expectations (whether high or low), and holding positive hopes for the future.
My Two Cents:
[Wafa's Two Cents] If you’ve consistently faced negative outcomes from following one approach, it may be time to try the opposite. For instance, if you’ve relied heavily on setting high expectations of others but repeatedly encounter negative outcomes—such as low relationship quality—consider lowering your expectations to see if it leads to better results. Similarly, if you’ve defaulted to having low expectations of others due to past disappointments but continue to face negative outcomes—such as low relationship quality—it might be worth raising your expectations. You could be pleasantly surprised by the outcome.
As the proverb goes,
Wafa Damlaj, MHRM | HR Leader @Amazon | HR PhD Student @University of Texas at Tyler
SM
1wSo True, in relationships and in Business! 😇... Great article!