Article 22: Conversations for Competition; Conversations for Possible Conversations

This is the twenty-second in a series of articles based on my 'Redesigning Conversations A Workbook: Self-Coaching Questions for Parents, Leaders, Teachers, and Coaches'.

Figures, exercises, question sets, tables, and case studies are numbered sequentially.

As noted in Article 14, naming a conversation is a powerful tool for having better conversations to address our and others’ concerns and to create possibilities.

In this article, I discuss:

• conversations for competition
• conversations for possible conversations

Conversations for Competition

There are many ways we compete with another. I will focus on two contexts:

• Being the more knowledgeable, cleverer, or wittier person in our conversations.
• Suggesting we make a more useful contribution than others in our families and workplaces.

Being the more knowledgeable, cleverer, or wittier person

In Question Set 5, Article 11, I offered noticing our reloading—that is, thinking of our answer while the other speaks—as a conversation enabler. Our conversation becomes a competition for being the more knowledgeable, cleverer, or wittier person. Many of us do this unknowingly, including in conversations with our partner, children, and colleagues. I do.

In Article 10, I discussed how by declaring ourselves to be the expert we can close conversations down. So can wit. Roman Krznaric tells the story of Dr Samuel Johnson, seen by many as ‘the most brilliant talker of the Georgian era’. Yet his talk was ‘full of clever quips and witty epigrams which served to end conversations rather than open them out and invigorate them’. [1]

As a lawyer, it’s been a lifelong journey to rid myself of this practice.

Exercise 62: Conversations for competition, being the clever one

• Do you engage in this practice?
• If so, do you consider there is a step you could take to be more aware of its effects?
• Are you able to make a declaration to take that step within a defined time?

Who contributes more to the family and workplace, and ‘emotional labour’

The term ‘emotional labour’ was first used in 1983 by sociologist Arlie Hochschild to describe how service-based workers such as flight attendants, nurses, and call-centre workers require management of their emotions for the performance of their tasks.

When observing others in their workplaces, it is worth noticing the emotional labour involved in their work. This may require them taking more downtime. A person is not slacking off during this downtime. They are taking care of themselves and therefore others they serve.

In Australia, there is concern at the high rate of teachers leaving their profession. I hear people suggest teachers have it easy, only taking into account what they can readily notice, such as their face-to-face teaching time and long school holidays. They do not notice work such as preparation for classes and reviewing students’ tasks, and how teaching children requires immense management of a teacher’s moods and emotions. I see these suggestions as conversations for competition, implying that the speaker works harder.

Conversations for competition can raise their ugly head in our families, where one partner may assert that what they do is more beneficial for the family. This practice can flow to the children.

As the main breadwinner in the family, it has been a long journey for me to understand the nature and extent of Margi Brown Ash ’s ‘unpaid work’, ‘invisible work’, ‘invisible to-do lists’, and ‘SSDTGU’ (shit someone does that goes unrecognised). What helped open my eyes was extending the use of the term ‘emotional labour’ to describe this behind-the-scenes work in families. The term emphasises how it requires Margi to deal with her emotions in performance of her tasks, what the English call ‘keeping a stiff upper lip’. Realising this enabled me more openly to acknowledge and value Margi’s work and offer more support. It also allowed me to question a widely held view that office work is more challenging or important for the family—and, importantly, to ask whether it matters what is harder or more important, for these are opinions that may not serve taking care of each other’s core human concerns (Figure 3, Article 2).

Exercise 63: Conversations for competition

• Is there a key takeaway for you in this Article?
• How could you apply that?
• Are there any declarations you wish to make?

Conversations for Possible Conversations

We must look for a mutually convenient time and place to have conversations that are important to us, such as a conversation for clarity, a conversation for accountability, or a conversation for relationship. We may do this through a conversation for a possible conversation. These are important conversations in themselves as they serve to alert the other person to our need to have the conversation.

These conversations will take less time than the conversations we are setting up. They also take courage and may be difficult to have, given the pressures of our family and work lives. I suggest having a corridor conversation for a possible conversation, seizing a passing moment, for example, with your boss, to declare ‘It is important for me to have a conversation about a personal matter this week’. Your boss may say, ‘Let’s do it now,’ as I have done as a corporate leader. I discussed corridor conversations in Article 20.

I have often sought to avoid a conversation. Either I have felt trapped in busyness or simply avoided the conversation because it is a difficult one to have. In a corridor conversation, there is nowhere to hide.

Exercise 64: Conversations for possible conversations

• Is there any conversation you want to have but feel you are unable to have it?
• Would a corridor conversation for a possible conversation be useful and feasible?
• Are there any declarations you wish to make?

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Speak soon in Article 23: Conversations for Coordination of Action (Getting Things Done)

Previous articles:

Article 1: Your Way of Being and Conversational Interplay

Article 2: Taking care of our and others’ concerns

Article 3: Your Listening and Speaking from your Listening; and Linguistic Acts

Article 4: Linguistic Acts: Facts or opinions, and Testing your Opinions

Article 5: Linguistic Acts: Declarations, Promises, and Requests

Article 6: “Breakdowns” in our lives

Article 7: Your Moods and Emotions: your greatest teachers

Article 8: Your body’s role in your conversations

Article 9: The role of your scripts in your conversations

Article 10 Your Enemies and Allies of Learning

Article 11: Your Conversational Interplay (a recap) and Conversation Enhancers, including for Meetings

Article 12:  Our Conversations are the Foundation of our Family and Work Cultures

Article 13: Questions for Self-Coaching using Ontological Terms and Concepts

Article 14: The Power of Naming Our Conversations

Article 15: Conversations for Clarity

Article 16: Conversations for Stories and Personal Opinions

Article 17 Conversation for Possible Actions (Speculative Conversations)

Article 18: Conversations for Commitment to Action

Article 19: Conversations for Progress and Completion

Article 20: Conversations resulting from assessments of a task

Article 21: Conversations for Relationship

Footnote:

[1] Roman Krznaric, The Wonderbox: Curious Histories of How to Live, Profile Books, 2011, p. 46.