Authenticity Isn't What You Think
Time to Get Real
And honestly? I found it really hard. The more I heard "be authentic," the more I felt it was just a load of guff.
There, I said it.
I've spent the last 13 years working on myself (I know the exact date, too).
Before that? I was on autopilot—aware but not really connected.
And in all those years, I kept hearing the same thing:
Be yourself. Be fully you. Be authentic.
Why Is It So Hard to Be Real?
"Authenticity" has become one of those overused buzzwords—something we feel we should be. And there's that dreaded word: should. “Should” is a response to systemic, trendy, or viral behaviours that tell us how to fit in. The truth is that "fitting in" can be the enemy of authenticity, and that’s why it feels disingenuous.
And don't even get me started on "treat others as you want to be treated." Some people like being arses—does that mean it's fine for them to treat others like that? It’s forced and automatic, and we don’t really think about what we’re saying. So, let’s get back to what being authentic really means.
Reality Check
We all play multiple roles in life—so who exactly are we being when we're "authentic"? Which version of ourselves is the real one? Our roles aren't labels; they’re just different aspects of who we are.
Authenticity Is Hard, and It's Messy
Here are some of my roles: wife, mother, stepmother, grandma, friend, ostracized family member, business partner, coach, creative, failed business owner, suicide widow, sober, interior designer, wannabe cook, reader.
As a wife, I find balance easy. Dave and I are different people with different ways of thinking, but our kindness toward each other is simple. As a business partner, though? I can lose my shit over a misplaced word or a poorly executed design.
Am I being authentic in both roles? Absolutely—but they look very different.
The Fight to Be Authentic
I have a potty mouth—it’s part of who I am. I even ask permission to swear when I’m in a workshop. But when my son swears, I don’t like it. It’s the same behaviour, but I set different standards for him than myself. Does that make me inauthentic? Or just human?
Authenticity and congruence go hand in hand.
They need each other to define how we show up. And that’s the thing: how we show up matters more than whether we’re "authentic." We’re all actors in different roles, and that’s okay.
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Permission to be candid?
Our authentic selves are multifaceted. We show up differently depending on the role and situation—and that’s real. The authentic part is having a set of values and living by them, whatever role we're in.
If you value being disruptive because you like the drama—own it. Stop pretending otherwise.
If you value kindness, connection, and being liked, embrace it fully.
It’s not up to anyone else. It’s not someone else’s fault if you choose this or that. It’s not about right or wrong—it just is. And it’s up to you.
The other reality is that authenticity is a money maker-it’s been commercialised. It makes money- search, and you will find events, books, coaching, and ways to spend, spend spend on how to be authentic- The missing key ingredient is making a simple thing complex with frameworks and models out of it. External validation is used to be authentic; the oxymoron is amusing.
Some Values to Consider:
My authentic, grumpy, pessimistic self says, "Whatever."
My authentic, stubborn self says - I will do it, I can, I will, I have, and I shall.
My authentic, hardworking self says, "Yep, I’ll give it a go and go all in."
My authentic hopetimist self says, “Best intention always, hope first and dismiss fear.“
What about labels?
Labels can be another way we avoid being authentic.
We crave definition, but it’s not needed.
It’s not rebellion—it’s just being.
Labels confine us to others' expectations, and they hold us back from being ourselves in every role we play.
It’s liberating to let go.
And if someone else wants to use labels? That’s their choice. It’s got nothing to do with you.