Authenticity or Toxicity?

Authenticity or Toxicity?

Unconscious bias was the topic of a networking lunch I attended a few months back and the discussion found its way to the concept of authenticity at work. An attendee was feeling bullied by a person who claimed their behavior was part of their culture and of being their authentic self.

Bringing your whole self to work authentically can be hard. For example, if you don't have the psychological safety in a group to speak with your natural accent, you may feel that you're never able to be your true self or relax because you're always performing a role that isn't you. You constantly feel like an outsider and are spending energy on extraneous cognition to conform. If perceived as an outsider, you will not acclimate to your group, build a strong network, or build your reputation. As a result you become less successful and enter a cycle of reinforced isolation.

Many of us work hard to educate ourselves and others on these difficulties and help ourselves and others to grow past them and make safer spaces for each other to be our authentic selves, including our cultural distinctions. But what if someone identifies culturally with behavior that is harmful to others and defends it in the name of authenticity? The attendee asked:

Do I need to put up with another person using authenticity as an excuse to treat me poorly?

In short: no.

I certainly want for myself and others to be able to behave in ways that honor our cultures and backgrounds without negative ramifications, and only so long as we're respectful of each other. Being rude or inappropriate is not a culture. Regrettably, it can be a rallying cry of aggressive or harassing personalities to say that 'brutal honesty' is their version of authenticity or that they are simply expressing their cultural when using symbols or language of hate. That can be especially concerning or offensive to those who also identify with those cultures and do not agree that it represents them accurately.

Authenticity is generally a good thing and is encouraged by fairly simple steps such as:

  1. Approaching yourself and others with nonjudgment on personal norms. Whether or not they ask how you're doing each morning is likely a result of cultural norms, and is not a measure of rudeness. How they pronounce a word is irrelevant as long as they are understood.
  2. Keeping an open mind. How much physical space people give each other, how much pause time they have in conversation, and what questions people ask casually are largely cultural and subjective. Stretch yourself to learn how many different acceptable interactive styles there are in the world. The more someone has traveled the world, often the less difficult this concept is.
  3. Assuming best intent. Did your colleague cut your zoom call off before you got to say goodbye? Do you think they are being rude or were they just in a reasonable hurry or had lag? We tend to give ourselves a break when we do something off-putting but assume worst intent in others. Seek to eliminate this bias. Start with Hanlon's razor.
  4. Asking questions. Communication is always key. If you're not sure what someone meant by something, have a conversation with them. If you still feel they have objectively wronged you, share that with them, compassionately.
  5. Demonstrating your own (respectful) authenticity. If we were all our unique selves at work, standing out would cease to exist as a concept. Those in majority categories tend to hide personal authenticities at work that could actually make underrepresented colleagues feel less othered and more able to be themselves. The more powerful your position in a team, the more your demonstration of this helps and supports those less empowered.

Some steps here are easier said than done, but these are at least easy to understand. They are key in dynamics where it's easy for many of us to make snap judgments based on behavioral expectations that we have based on our personal upbringings and preferences.

At the office, everyone is playing a role to some degree, otherwise many of us would show up to work in our PJs or perhaps wouldn't show up at all. The degree to which you are performing for others, perhaps code-switching, as an under-represented group member, is often correlated to how close or far to the current standards of society's dominant cultural norms you were raised.

The American business world, as an environment and cultural experience, is profoundly contrived and mostly built on western, white, heterosexual, cis-gender male culture norms, standards, and preferences of comportment that cannot and do not reflect the beautiful diversity of humanity.

We are not on an even playing field. And just because you do the right thing and demonstrate tolerance of others doesn't mean others will. It's up to you to decide what you should put up with. If you demonstrate authenticity in an environment that is toxic or unwelcoming, you may find yourself marginalized. But what if someone feels that being authentic for them is a pass to treat others in ways that are harmful?

Many of us have encountered brash executives who hide behind mischaracterizations of Radical Candor to defend their toxicity, while exhibiting textbook cases of Obnoxious Aggression (Brutal Honesty) or Manipulative Insincerity. I've also consulted for teams struggling to correct harmful behavior that they feared speaking up about because of concerns the behavior was permissible under protecting cultural diversity.

Sometimes bad behavior is just bad behavior. The effect of not providing that feedback to someone who needs it does them no favors. For those who identify or feel associated with that person's demographic, it may be additionally uncomfortable if that behavior associates the group identity with inaccurate or problematic stereotypes. This is a sensitive situation to to address, and a company is wise to analyze potential actions with great thoughtfulness and sometimes with appropriate legal counsel. Ultimately, harm is harm and toxic is toxic. There are better ways to communicate.

Authenticity should not simply be about being your real self, as many define it - it's about being the best version of your real self while not having to worry about being judged based on your non-harmful behaviors. Authenticity should never be a cover for cruelty.

There is a related issue that what constitutes being a "jerk" in one culture is not the same as for another, and this is where wires can really get crossed. I contend that those are rare, subtle occurrences that are greatly prevented through a healthy doses of the steps above: mostly by talking things through and assuming best intent.

Ideally, we can hold ourselves to a standard not just of seeking to be our true self, but our best true self. Looking back on the last 20 years, I've focused professionally on finding environments where I will be respected based on my qualifications, contributions, substance, accomplishments, and for how I treat others. It's undeniably improved my professional and personal life.

I hope and believe that we all want to feel proud of our behavior in any community. And I believe that a collective conscious practice of compassionate understanding to others can change the world.

Together can we create a future where the work "norm" is one of vast cultural and behavioral diversity that honors the breadth of cultural truths while prioritizing respect for everyone.
Svetlana Ratnikova

CEO @ Immigrant Women In Business | Social Impact Innovator | Global Advocate for Women's Empowerment

4w

Juliette🙂 Thank you very much for sharing! My colleague will be happy to work with you: https://bit.ly/4f7ZZoc

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Katja Kempe

Dedicated to improving performance, boost engagement, and increase retention across organizations. Creating 8x ROI with coaching and professional development!

1mo

Juliette, thanks for sharing!

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Holly DePalma

Leadership is a journey🚀 I provide simple, actionable tips 💡 and observations 👀 on all things talent 🔮

2mo

Great article Juliette Dupré! Do you use assessments to help people understand themselves and others? We should talk again!

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Michael Fitch

Game team leader and pioneer in AR/MR

2mo

Great piece. It's particularly irksome when people use the language and tactics of openness to be jerks.

Alexei Ryan

Global Talent Acquisition | Rovio, Microsoft/Halo, 10 Startups | Mascot Creator

2mo

Reminds me of the quote by Richard J. Needham: "People who are brutally honest get more satisfaction out of the brutality than out of the honesty."

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