The "Bad Friend" Era of Life

My name is Sara Weston, PMP, ENP Weston, and I’m a bad friend. And, please don’t flood the comments assuring me otherwise. I know I have my moments; I know if someone truly needs me, I’ll be there. I may have been there for you recently and you have no idea that I’m going through the “bad friend” era of my life. 

Let me explain.

I usually sleep like a log. I go from zero to 100 when I wake up in the morning and usually have no problem going from 100 to zero at night. I know when something is truly bothering me when I lie awake at night thinking about it. But recently a very good friend of mine had a birthday and I couldn’t even bother to text her. Another friend texted me a very important question and it took me days to respond. 

But I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I haven’t been showing outward gratitude for the people in my life who have recently done amazing things for me. I haven’t sent a greeting card or thank you note or a simple email in a while. This hit me the other night and I just couldn’t shake the shame and guilt that comes with these thoughts.

Obviously, being a “good friend” is subjective. 

What’s “good” for one person may be “just okay” or “outstanding” for the next. It depends on perspective, but it comes down to what we expect of ourselves. I have said “no” (or just haven’t responded) to almost every single social engagement I’ve been invited to this year. And, if I’ve said yes, I’ve likely canceled. I’m not really an introvert, I enjoy people, it’s just that I’ve had a lot on my plate, like more than usual.

After thinking about this and granting myself the grace that we don’t always receive from others, I’ve come to realize that this is just the phase of life I am in. It’s an era. I have two small boys who have school and sports and need to do things like eat (who knew?). I have two businesses, a household to run and a spouse to partner with. And, while many people have these things and more in their lives, I think we all go through a phase where it’s all too much. 

It’s like death from a million paper cuts. 

This person needs a little of you, this project needs a little of you, these children need a little (okay, a lot) of you. You’re getting a text message, you’re getting a slack message, you’re getting an email, you’re getting a phone call. It all adds up.

I did a bit of research to try to determine if all of this is “just me”. I think we often feel alone in our struggles and if there is one thing I’ve learned from the 911der Women community, it’s that we are most definitely not alone. So I took to my rolodex (a word that just aged me quite a bit) and asked some of those friends whom I sometimes neglect what their thoughts are on the matter. Per usual, I got some awesome feedback. Keely Heyman, CPE, ENP , Executive Director of a 911 center in New Jersey worded this perfectly when she said, 

“I am needed at work, I am needed at home, I am needed at my kids school, I am needed by my husband, I am needed by my parents, I am needed by my child, the baseball team needs a snack stand attendant, there is a soccer game today, my kid wants a play date, but there is a birthday party. I am a terrible friend because likely, what I was supposed to do with said friend, has fallen right out of my brain!” 

I completely relate to things falling out of my brain in the midst of chaos. 

And often these are things that I really want to do, that I’m looking forward to, that would make me happy, but alas, it’s just not possible. I’ve learned to despise the phrase that some people “have it all”. I’ve come to learn that we can have it all, but we need to decide what the word “all” means to us on any given day. We need to define our own personal version of "all". On this day, having it “all” means having the flexibility and cleaning supplies to deal with my five-year-old’s stomach bug. Tomorrow hopefully having it “all” means we are all healthy and I have concentrated time at work while my little guy gets a wonderful education at his summer camp and we eat one healthy thing.

And speaking of healthy things, we need to have a healthy mindset surrounding what we are able to give our relationships at any given time. Another badass friend of mine, Juliet Brown , supervisor from Massachusetts, told me how her friends celebrate each other when they communicate that they need to take time for themselves. YES! That’s it! She told me,

 “Remember, if you only have 20 percent and you give 20 percent, you gave 100 percent. And just as love relationships aren't always 50/50, friendships aren't either.” 

It all come to down to priorities. 

If you are feeling the same way I am, maybe you’re not a bad friend. Maybe you're just going through this era of life. On the flip side, if you have friends that seem distant or uninterested, instead of thinking them a bad friend consider it might be their “bad friend" era. Celebrate them like Julie’s friends do. Once I realized this was happening to me, I was able to be honest with the people I care about. The conversation goes a little something like this:

“Listen, I love you. I care about our friendship deeply. I am sorry I keep declining your invitations, but please don’t stop inviting me. One day I’ll have more time to nourish our relationship. But in the meantime, I’m here for you as much as I can be. Don’t give up on me.”

I find that once I put a label on things, I’m better able to battle them or accept them. 

It’s fine to accept that we aren’t always in a position to be a “good” friend. Sometimes we have to put on blinders and prioritize our family or responsibilities. Sometimes we need to literally mind our own business. But good friends understand. I’ve always looked at friendship like a bank account. You have to make deposits as well as withdrawals or there will be no value left. But remember that works both ways. If you are in the withdrawal phase, hang in there. And when the dust settles, look around. The ones who are still there are the ones to invest back into when you’re ready.

Take care of yourselves, friends! Whatever that looks like right now.

Written by Sara Weston, PMP, ENP

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