Balancing Acts: Navigating the Tightrope Between Caring and Controlling

In the quiet of an early morning, as I attempted to navigate my recovery from the flu, a simple interaction unfolded, revealing the complex dance between care and control that we all navigate daily. My wife, Vinoda, and my mother were preparing to visit the dining hall in our senior apartment complex. Concerned about timing and still feeling the remnants of my illness, I urged them to hurry. However, my concern, though rooted in care, manifested with an unintended edge—a controlling tone that was met with "that look" from both. This moment, though small, echoed a larger pattern I've observed in various spheres of life, including the challenges faced by founders and leaders in their noble endeavors.

Consider the founder of a renowned non-profit, whose passion and vision transformed it into a household name. Despite their success, he grapples with letting go of control, often veering into micromanagement. Similarly, a company founder I worked closely with struggled to differentiate between empowering her team and controlling them. She shared how her team requested clarity—either define the process they should follow or the outcomes she desired, but not both. These stories, including my own, highlight a universal struggle: the fine line between caring for and controlling the people we work with and love.

As I was reflecting on this topic, Raghuram Manchi sent a whatsapp forward about care and control reinforced the struggle that we all go through.

Distinguishing Care from Control

In both Indic traditions and psychological frameworks, care and control are differentiated by their underlying intentions and impacts.

From an Indic Perspective: Indic wisdom, with its rich tapestry of Hindu, Buddhist, and Jain philosophies, offers a nuanced understanding of care and control. Care, or Karuna in Hinduism and Buddhism, emphasizes compassion and a selfless desire for the well-being of others. It's about supporting without attachment to the outcome, reflecting a profound respect for the individual's autonomy. On the other hand, control is often seen as an expression of Ahamkara (ego), where actions are driven by self-interest or a desire to impose one's will, often disregarding the natural flow of life (Dharma).

In Psychological Terms: Psychologically, care is associated with empathy, active listening, and empowerment, fostering a sense of security and belonging. Control, however, stems from anxiety, fear, or a need for predictability, manifesting as rigidity, micromanagement, or even coercion, which can lead to resistance and emotional distance.

Practical Strategies for Balancing Care and Control

Navigating the line between care and control requires mindfulness and intentionality. Here are practical strategies to help maintain this balance that I have personally used and found to be helpful:

1. Communicate with Clarity and Compassion: Start conversations by sharing your intentions and concerns openly. This approach fosters understanding and collaboration.
2. Empower Rather Than Impose: Offer guidance and support, encouraging autonomy and decision-making, rather than dictating how things should be done.
3. Practice Active Listening: Show genuine interest in others' thoughts and feelings. This not only enhances understanding but also conveys respect and care.
4. Embrace Flexibility: Recognize that there are multiple paths to achieving goals. Being open to different approaches reduces the impulse to control and allows for creative solutions.
5. Reflect on Your Motivations: Regularly ask yourself whether your actions are driven by a desire to support or by a need to ensure outcomes align with your expectations.

Reflective Questions for Self-Awareness

Despite teaching and practicing these principles over forty years, I still make the same mistakes again and again. As Vidya K. and Pravin Kaipa M.Ed repeatedly pointed out -- I have made 10% progress and I only have 90% to go and I should keep working at it!

Developing self-awareness around our tendencies towards care or control can be facilitated by engaging with reflective questions:

1. What am I trying to achieve with my actions? Is it about supporting the other person's growth, or is it about ensuring outcomes align with my expectations?
2. How would I feel in the other person's place? Would I feel supported or constrained?
3. Am I listening as much as I am speaking? Do I truly understand the other person's perspective?
4. Can I accept outcomes that differ from my initial vision, as long as they align with the overall goal and respect the other's autonomy?
5. Are my actions aligned with my core values of empathy, respect, and empowerment?

In both leadership and personal relationships, distinguishing between care and control is essential for fostering healthy, supportive environments. By integrating insights from Indic wisdom and psychological principles, and by practicing mindfulness and reflection, we can navigate this delicate balance more effectively, enhancing our connections with others and fostering a culture of empowerment and mutual respect.

Let me see what my family say when they read this reflection! What do you think your family or team say about you?

Do you express care more often or do you control more often? Let me know.