BEFORE I FORGET – A final thought for the evening #16

My 40 personal truths to guide the next chapter.

Turning 40 to some may be “just another day” – especially if they have lived longer. For me, it has slightly more significance because of two (2) related reasons.

First, I have now outlived my own father, who tragically died at 39 after being knocked-down by a speeding truck driver in Tobago – which left with me the notion that I had to at least honour him by outliving him; and second, I have always accepted the biblical ‘3-score and 10’ as a suitable lifespan, which is why I celebrated my 35th birthday in fine style – wanting to mark the milestone of crossing the halfway point.

Together, these have blessed me with an entrenched contemplation of mortality, which encourages me to live each day fully. Ironic? Perhaps. Necessary? I think so.

Therefore, I spent today reflecting on as many of the 14,600 days lived so far, that I could.

There is so much I must be thankful for.

Most of all my mother – who made me her world. My partner of the last ~8 years – Keïta – who has been able to quiet my soul, at great expense to his own energy I might add. My maternal grandparents, my mother’s sister and her children and other members of my extended family; my father; all who helped with my childhood upbringing; my best friends – many of whom were my chosen family (chief among them – Anthony Medina); my teachers/lecturers at all levels; my ‘bosses’ and professional colleagues who have assisted me in developing as a professional; fellow social advocates; and all my acquaintances who have peppered my life with so many memories. I give thanks.

 Each year, I complete my annual check-up before my birthday, and once again it seems I am aging well. I am blessed to be healthy. Thank you for Dr. Pooran – my GP of over 15 years. I give thanks.

I have also constantly upskilled myself and was able to complete my LLB before 40, which was a promise I made to myself when my maternal grandfather (an attorney) passed away. This adds to my M.Sc. and B.Sc., and almost 20 other certificates/diplomas I have achieved. I give thanks.

I have excelled in my profession – leaving a mark in all my portfolios – all of which have been related to national development. I am recognised by my peers for my passion and capability. I give thanks.

I have made positive interventions in the lives of many, and perhaps saved some – through my social work. I have shared with others what I can. I give thanks.

I have visited almost every nook and cranny of T&T (circumnavigating Tobago over 10 times) and a few foreign lands. I give thanks.

I have protested. I have helped seat and unseat administrations. I will again. I give thanks.

I have planted trees, carried baby turtles to the sea, and helped nurse abandoned dogs back to health. I have played J’ouvert and mas. I have laughed until I cried and cried until I laughed. I have enjoyed the best food and wine. I give thanks.

I have loved – deeply – and still do. I have secrets and keep many. I have faced my own mortality and survived to joke about it. I have seen Cher perform live and the Taj Mahal twice – once in moonlight. I have danced. I have lived.

I give thanks.

Yet, there are moments I recall along the way that were dark and sad – such as the loss of loved ones and the tribulations I faced in a prejudiced and often violent world.

 In the case of the former, I feel grief that they are not around to celebrate with me, as we would have done in the past – but I will keep their memories alive as long as I am. For their moment on this earth and all we shared, I am happy. I give thanks.

As for the latter, scars have healed but marks remain. However, I have fueled my trauma into a drive to help others and try to end the cycle of hate and exclusion that more vulnerable persons feel daily. For the first time in my life though, I feel heightened levels of anxiety and fear – both feelings I had caged away for decades, but now they wash over me like the closing of the red sea. This has been most unsettling and caused me to misstep.

Yet, as in the past, I have found my footing.

I have chosen to give equal space to the wonderful and the terrible.

I accept that my ‘problems’ relatively may not be the worst in the world, but when one is faced with the possibility that you may have less years on the planet than you have lived; that the capacity you took for granted, now requires effort; and you are now the older person being looked to – they do seem in the moment to be quite important.

What is truly important though, is that now I recommit to using all that I am thankful for, to assist with solving problems for those who have very little. After all, is that not what comes with great gifts – great responsibility? For how many ever years I have left – 30, less, or more – I wish to use them to their fullest, for this greater purpose.

I am but a temporary conduit for universal good – like so many that have come before and now are gone. We are not meant to ‘turn to stone’ here on this earthly plane. I am not religious, so I am not motivated to do ‘good’ in the service of reaching any ‘afterlife’. I just believe in doing ‘good’ for ‘good’. That is the right thing to do and should not be weighed against any possible merit.

My gratitude to all who have been part of my journey thus far and I wish all of you – what I wish for myself – many more years filled with health, love, and fond memories!

The last few chapters really were coloured and inspired by you. I am excited at writing the next few.

I share with you 40 personal truths that will guide me in this next chapter:

1.     The universe has its own agenda - i am not ‘in control’

2.    We all know what is ‘right’ and ‘wrong’

3.    Selfishness isn’t always bad

4.   It is important to represent one’s ancestors, for their dreams are in you

5.   There are no coincidences in life

6.   I am made of space dust

7.    Not all ‘family’ is biological

8.   You always have ‘a choice’

9.   Ethics trumps what is ‘legal’

10. Mankind is neither inherently ‘good’ or ‘bad’ – just human

11.   Animals have emotions and consciousness

12. Science will never answer every question

13. I am only one; what i can do, i should do

14. Mark twain was right: don’t argue with fools – those looking on may not know the difference

15. Time is the one thing that can never be reclaimed

16. You don’t know what you don’t know – so learn more

17.  Everyone has a story – don’t just read the synopsis

18. We should all sing – loudly

19. The painful memories are just as important as the joyful ones

20. Moisturising works

21. Om, amen, shalom, insha allah, all mean the same thing

22. We’re all born naked – the rest is drag

23. Children should not be spoken to as ‘children’

24. I am the resulting uniqueness of a series of exponential probabilities

25. Death walks alongside us from the moment we are born - so east dessert

26. I will miss music most when I die

27. Prejudice, hate and bullying are taught and learned

28. Asking “Why not?” can sometimes be more enlightening than just “Why?”

29. Failure is just as important as success

30. Humans were created by nature for so much more than we do

31. Star Trek can teach us more than any one religion

32. Water always finds a way

33. It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all

34. Rainbows are the most beautiful outcomes of physics and proves that perspective is everything

35. Greed is the root of all evil

36. Stars impact the universe millions of years after dying; you can impact planet earth while alive

37. Worrying is as effective as trying to solve algebra by chewing bubble gum

38. Words and deeds matter and should align

39. A julie mango that is just ripe enough, is as close to ambrosia as you can get

40. You have one life – make it count by living it!

– Rudolph Hanamji