Believing the Best: how ugly stories can disrupt you in difficult discussions...
In my Dealing with Difficult Discussions clinics, I help people decode what goes on when talks get tough; and what we say or do that seems to make them more excruciatingly difficult to navigate sometimes such as blaming, assuming, being combative, controlling, judging or imposing our own view and failing to understand theirs.
But there’s one particular dynamic that raises its ugly head for everyone (if we’re really being honest with ourselves), and it happens before we even open our mouths and start trying to “tough-talk”. It’s the stories we make up about the other person that we carry into the conversation with us.
1. Dynamics of Difficult Stories
Telling stories about others is a particularly human past-time. But the ones we make up in anticipation of a looming difficult encounter commonly contribute to making it more difficult - and we almost all do it, often without even realising it.
The diagram above depicts this universal, underlying dynamic. We all make up uncharitable stories about others that we import into our talks, whether they’re constructive or corrosive, salutary or savage. Here’s how this goes…
1. We see or hear someone say or do something that gets up our nose. We instantly judge them without pausing to remind ourselves we don’t even know the whole story, or their intentions and motives around what happened…
2. But we invent intentions and attribute bad motives to them. We convince ourselves we know why they said or did something, when we really don’t. Because we “know”, we often don’t even bother to ask them what they were trying to do or what underpinned their actions. As the saying kind of goes, "never let facts get in the way of a good fiction".
3. We now make up an ugly story that biases our perceptions of, and reactions to them. It takes our mind mere milliseconds to manufacture an ugly story. For instance, they're 'manipulative", "irresponsible", "controlling" or "complacent". Once again, we confirm to ourselves how our story about them is right as it’s based on facts (which it isn’t – not all of them anyway).
I once did some conversational coaching for a group of Anglican Ministers and asked what's wrong with making up ugly stories, to which one of them memorably replied. "Because we convince ourselves that's all they are."
4. All stories generate feelings. The uglier the story, the more negative our feelings. It's uncomfortable having bad feelings, so we blame the other person. We can do this since we’ve already made up an ugly story about them. It’s a neat self-confirming and very uncharitable loop!
5. Our feelings then take over and we act on them. Fired-up by our ugly story, we feel justified to say things that I label as TACI talk – we Threaten, Accuse, Criticise or Insult.
2. Ugly Story Impacts
Going into a tough talk fully loaded with an ugly story can have a big, adverse impact on how we feel about someone and how we treat them in the conversation that follows.
If we believe the stories we manufacture about someone, things are bound to go off the rails. It leads us to think the worst.
3. Find and Replace Ugly Stories
One way to act more even-minded and emotionally balanced during difficult discussions, is to see the story we’ve made up, what it’s doing to us, and to change the story we tell ourselves about the other person. This translates into 3 simple steps you can do as important part of preparing for a difficult discussion:
1. Find the ugly story you’ve made up before you go into this discussion. This can be more difficult than it sounds since ugly stories can conceal themselves from us. I often ask people to think of the "less-than-noble-motive" they harbor towards the other person in this discussion.
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For example, I want to "get back at them", "show them up", "prove them wrong" or "put them in their place" to name a few. If you can do this, your ugly story is often found lurking in the same neighbourhood.
2. Reflect on its impact – what such an uncharitable story might make you say and do. Let your mind drift to the dark side for a moment. Picture what you'd say to them in a "no holds barred" confrontation. This can help you see what a not-so-good conversation might look and feel like.
But straight after, you need to also reflect on the undesirable consequences if you really acted like this. Would these be the outcomes you really want?
3. Tell yourself a different or more charitable story to neutralise and replace the ugly one. To stay in control of our feelings, we need to control or change the stories we make up that generate them – to think up alternatives to your ugly story that are more even-minded, less critical, judgemental or more neutral. Ask yourself: What else might be at play for them to act this way? What else might they have been trying to do?
There’s always another story. For example, what about telling yourself a story about this person’s fears or insecurities – what are they trying to protect, preserve or avoid? Seeing other sides stops you losing your neutrality by leaping to conclusions. It helps challenge your story and control your emotional over-reactions.
At this point in my Difficult Discussions Clinic a few invariably ask “But what if my ugly story is right? I reply that in the end, this isn’t about whether your story is right. It’s about resolving the issue and not letting your ugly story control you.
If sticking to your story is going to unbalance you and make you more indignant, infuriated or detached, you’ll be less able to handle a hard talk well. It’s a matter of taking control of our stories so they don’t end up controlling us.
4. Believe the Best of Others
If telling yourself a more understanding or charitable story calms you down and helps you stay in control, so you can be more focused, rational, balanced and less prone to emotional over-reactions, that’s got to be a good thing.
I sum it in a 3-word saying, “Believe the Best” (BTB) in others. Another side-effect of staying emotionally balanced is that it makes you less defensive and keeps you more connected and able to get to the bottom of things.
Brené Brown in Dare to Lead recounts seven courageous factors for leadership and life that she sums up in the acronym BRAVING. The "G" stands for Generosity - extending the Most Generous Interpretation possible to the intentions, words, and actions of others.
In a recent podcast, Brown tells how she asked her paediatrician partner if he believed everyone truly does the best they can, to which he replied: “Yes, I do believe everyone does their best. I don’t know if it’s true, but I know that I am happier believing it is.”
This epitomises another reason why replacing that ugly story with a more balanced, kind, charitable, even-minded or understanding one, is best. Brown's studies (reiterated in other research) reinforces that those who are generous and beneficent with their attribution of motives to the words and deeds of others are happier, and experience better levels of well-being.
So while your more generous story may not be true, your nervous system and emotional health will love you more if you believe it is. And to cap it off, extending the Believe the Best principle or your Most Generous Interpretation to others, over time, helps you become a more empathetic, understanding and compassionate person too.
How about you? Who’s getting up your nose or acting as the receptacle for your ugly stories lately? Why not try applying the BBT principle – a more generous and benevolent interpretation of their actions – and see how that affects your next conversation with them?
Note: The notion of ugly stories derives from the work of Kerry Patterson in his best-selling books about Crucial Conversations (2002) and Crucial Confrontations (2004)
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As founding director of The Change Forum, Bill has an enviable track-record reaching back more than 25 years, of working with leaders in a wide range of organisation settings on critical learning areas like conversations, culture, strategic change, emotional and social intelligence and building more vibrant, functional and high-performing teams.
Bill has a long-abiding belief in conversation-making as a key foundation to create connective, caring and compassionate workplaces, promote productive, open interchanges and facilitate personal growth. He’s delivered hundreds of Leading Conversations and Dealing with Difficult Discussions clinics springing from a long history of positive communication work coaching leaders to handle hard talks and constructively confront challenging performance.
He’s known for his practical, engaging, interactive style of facilitating and his down-to-earth and highly regarded self-coaching guides…