Better Relationships NOW

In a previous article, I focused on relationships with others and considered the role that we play as individuals within that relationship. I highlighted key areas that contribute to successful relationships and introduced the notion that all our relationships are mirrors of ourselves. 

‘A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward, or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.’ Woody Allen 

In this follow-up article, I focus on our closest and intimate relationships with the aim of providing you with the tools to improve them and help prevent them heading to where so many end on the rocks. This is especially topical this week with it being Valentines Day on the 14th.

From a very early age through countless fairy tales and stories, we are sold the ideal that one day we will marry and live happily ever after. 

When couples marry today, there’s only a 50-50 chance the marriage will endure as divorce rates remain near their all-time highs.

 Depending whose statistics you choose to believe, as many as 70% of marriages will experience "cheating" one or more times during their existence. 

 Everyone who falls in love hopes that it will be forever. The truth is that relationships inevitably change, and few things in life cause more distress than when problems develop and communication between partners breaks down.

However is it any wonder that so many relationships fail, considering that we never really learn how to form a relationship and make it work? Believing that you will have nothing but successful relationships in life is a misguided belief. It’s a bit like buying a car but not knowing how to drive; you may get somewhere with it, but it will be more through luck than judgment.

 Learning more about your partner, discovering their true identity, finding out what makes them tick, being made aware of their habits and characteristics at the same time as learning to compromise and share a space together is never going to be easy.

A point that has been drummed into me from an early age by my parents, who are always reminding me of how hard their first year was together because they had never lived with anyone before and because they had not spent that much time together. 

Although it was tough, they worked at it as back then divorce was not an option. To this day they continue to work hard and take life’s up and downs in their stride. Making relationships work, is a bit like serving an apprenticeship. You will learn much of what you need to know from those close to you, but you will mistakes along the way. The key to your success is to learn from these mistakes and avoid making them again. Just as my parents are still learning, this apprenticeship is long, rewarding and has its moments, but the rewards far outweigh the hardships.

  “Too many people in the West have given up on marriage. They don’t understand that it is about developing a mutual admiration of someone, a deep respect and trust and awareness of another human’s needs. The new easy-come, easy-go relationships give us more freedom – but less contentment.”

- Dalai Lama

 The most important relationship that we have in this life is to ourselves. However, we have also shown that most people have a hard time just enjoying being themselves. Suppose I were able to step inside your head for the day, what sort of a day do you think I would I have? Would I come out at the end going "that was great" or would I come saying "I have got a headache that was hard work"? 

It has become more important than ever to secure our sense of space as the pace of life speeds at times out of control. As we struggle to fit ‘it’ all in and keep all parties happy, we can feel pressurised, and this is when insecurities can rise to the surface. If your partner finds it hard to understand that you need time to ‘simply be’, to relax and do the things that support you, then problems can occur. Being with a partner, who supports you and understands your needs, while being able to take care of their own, can create the perfect foundation for your relationship.

 The intense happiness of our union is derived in a high degree from the perfect freedom with which we each follow and declare our impressions. George Eliot 

 As the statistics state, it is inevitable that at some point in time your relationship may break down when this occurs you will face some simple choices. As it stands, there are only three possibilities for the future of any relationship;

Stay as you are.

Change how you are. 

Split up.

There are no other options. If you are unable to cope with the way it is and you don't want to leave, your only option is changed to change how you are and how you react. After all, you can't change others; you can only change yourself.

But how can we become more proactive in developing a healthy relationship rather than being so reactive?

Below are listed some rules and guidelines which I have used in workshops and group work over several years. Read through them and see what they mean to you, feel free to add your own;

•  Never try and change the person, look to see how you can change.
• Be their best friend, be there for them whatever. Support on another
• Respect and enjoy the differences between you 
• Try to develop a better understanding of yourself and your partner,
• Recognise your own values and those of your partner
• Understand and accept the dreams, desires and goals of each partner,
• Agree mutual goals and purposes for the relationship,
• Value their opinion even if you don't agree with it.
• Hug them every day

Develop better communication between yourselves. Listen to what each other has to say

Sit down regularly and ask them how they feel about the relationship and see if there is anything you can do to make things better.

These last two points are crucial, as problems in all forms of relationships often revolve around a lack of communication or misunderstandings compounded by poor communication.

To use the cliché, communication is a two-way street and is a topic worth covering in its right. But for now look to open all channels, including verbal and non-verbal communication, remember actions do speak louder than words and what is left unsaid often proves more damaging in the long run.

 I recall a long and at times, intense discussion with a good friend of mine regarding arranged marriages. He was of Asian descent and was happily married for ten years to a girl he had only met once before their wedding. His view on marriage was that it was a partnership that operated rather like a business. It was in both their interests that they got along and settled any disagreements or misunderstandings as early as possible. There love, and mutual respect of one another grew through companionship and open, honest friendship. Theirs was not a romanticised version of love; theirs was a love that grew through hard work.

 Perhaps if we viewed our relationships as business partnerships, it may help resolve issues earlier and allow for mutual growth? In any successful business, time is set aside for meetings to discuss progress, results and plans. 

Finding time for one another can prove to be difficult in our hectic lives.

A survey by the Department of Trade and Industry's Work-Life campaign in 2004 revealed that eight out of ten employees would love to spend more time with their family and friends. If you can make time once a week and discuss how your relationship has been that week, address your grievances and share positive experiences, you will prevent misunderstandings turning into bitterness and resentment.

Remember the most successful couples are those that make spending time together a priority. Like a plant without water, a relationship without time can wither and die. You need it to share your hopes and dreams, as well as your fears and failings; to keep in touch with what's happening in your lives, and to have fun.

Pete Cohen

Pete Cohen is one of the world’s leading keynote speakers and the author of the best selling book Shut the Duck UP. Hundreds of thousands or people from all over at the world have been motivated and inspired by Pete’s presentations. Pete coaches business leaders, executives, corporate teams and sporting stars to achieve their best. 

Pete excels at keynote presentations and inspires his audiences to think outside the box, believe in themselves and get motivated to take positive actions. Working with companies such as IBM, Boots, Pfizer, 

Robert Half International, BAA, Royal Bank of Scotland, Boehringer Inelhelm and Thomas Cook. 

Pete’s interactive style is fun, thought provoking and leaves a lasting impression. He has professionally impacted on the lives of thousands of people worldwide, including business executives, professional athletes and the everyday person. 

Pete focuses on the importance of having a strong belief in yourself. He teaches that you need to be positive and have to develop self-confidence to achieve your potential and be successful. He is the author to 17 published books, several of which have been best-sellers across the world, including Shut the Duck Up, Habit Busting, Life DIY, Sort Your Life Out. He has also presented his own show on TV called The Coach and was the resident Life Coach on GM TV for 12 years. His background is in psychology and sports science. He specialises in taking self help and personal development to the masses in a way that is easy for people to understand and apply. 

Working in sports performance coaching, Pete has helped world class sporting stars and teams reach their peak performance, including Sally Gunnell, Ronnie O’Sullivan, Ellen Macarthur, Roger Black, Kent Cricket Team, and the Arsenal Football team.