Beyond Avoidance: Embracing Conflict for Better Outcomes

Disagreements come in all shapes and sizes, and you may encounter them more or less frequently than you'd like. Conflict management is not about trying to have less conflicts, it’s about how well you navigate your way through them.

A key reason why people shy away from tackling conflict is because they are afraid to disagree. If you’re someone who goes to great lengths to avoid conflict, have you stopped to consider what’s behind the fear? There is something inherently uncomfortable about disagreeing. People like to be liked, which ties into the fundamental human need for belonging and acceptance. Maybe you’ve tried to tackle conflict in the past but have ended up damaging a relationship, or perhaps you are concerned about career repercussions, particularly if it’s the boss you disagree with?

While avoiding conflict may seem easier in the moment, it often leads to more significant problems down the line. As a leader, continually avoiding conflict, could harm team cohesion and performance, cause missed opportunities for growth and negatively impact team morale.

Even when people engage in conflict, they often do so ineffectively. A common mistake is failing to see things from another person's perspective. Many approach disagreements with the mindset that they are right and the other person is wrong, focusing more on proving their point than understanding the other's view. This self-centred approach not only escalates conflicts but also prevents us from gaining valuable insights that could lead to better solutions.

Another significant factor is how we process information and form judgments. We often make rapid assessments based on limited information, jumping to conclusions that can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts. This process is well illustrated by the Ladder of Inference, a model that helps us understand how we move from observing facts to making decisions and taking actions.

Let's consider a scenario that might occur in any workplace:

Scenario: A New Team Member's Late Arrival

Observations: Sarah, a new team member, arrives 10 minutes late to her first team meeting. The team leader, Jess, notices Sarah's late arrival.

Assumptions: Jess assumes that Sarah doesn't value punctuality or respect the team's time. Jess interprets Sarah's lateness as a sign of poor work ethic and lack of commitment. She believes that employees who are late are generally unreliable and less productive.

Conclusions: Jess concludes that Sarah will be a problematic team member and limits her responsibilities, impacting Sarah's chance to prove herself and pass her probation period.

Understanding this process can help us become more aware of our thinking patterns and how they contribute to conflicts. By learning to question our assumptions and seek more information before drawing conclusions, we can navigate disagreements more effectively, encouraging a more open, collaborative environment. Organisational psychologist and best-selling author, Adam Grant, explores the ladder of inference in his Work Life podcast. He suggests “walking down the ladder to share our observations and assumptions and invite the other person to do the same”.

Openly sharing observations and assumptions may feel way too risky, especially if you're someone who typically avoids conflict. The thought of potentially escalating a disagreement or damaging a relationship can be daunting. However, it's important to remember that avoiding these conversations often leads to more significant problems in the long run. Preparing thoughtfully for difficult conversations is essential, especially when emotions are running high. Be prepared to be uncomfortable to achieve progress.

I highly recommend checking out Amy E Gallo’s TED Talk on “The Gift of Conflict”. Some key points that stuck out for me with Amy’s approach to having difficult conversations include:

·       Be generous in your interpretations: Instead of assuming the worst, consider more positive explanations for the other person's behaviour.

·       Manage your own emotional reactions: Recognise your emotions, but don't let them control the conversation.

·       Approach with calm and confidence: Your demeanour can set the tone for the entire interaction.

·       Show compassion and kindness: Remember, the other person may be feeling just as uncomfortable as you are.

It's crucial to understand that managing conflict isn't about being angry or rude. Instead, it's about addressing issues constructively and finding mutually beneficial solutions.

To help you prepare for your next difficult conversation, consider these coaching questions:

1.    What assumptions am I making about the other person's intentions?

2.    How might my own emotions be influencing my perspective?

3.    What might the situation look like from the other person's point of view?

4.    What common ground or shared goals can I identify?

5.    How can I approach this conversation with both confidence and kindness?

As you prepare for these conversations, it's also helpful to consider the nature of the disagreement. Conflicts can generally be categorised into four types:

·      Task conflict: Disagreements about what needs to be done

·      Process conflict: Disagreements about how things should be done

·      Relationship conflict: Personal or interpersonal issues

·      Status conflict: Disagreements about relative position or influence within a group

Understanding the type of conflict you're dealing with can help you tailor your approach and find more effective resolutions. While we haven't explored these in depth here, recognising these distinctions can be a valuable first step in navigating conflicts with more confidence and skill. Remember, each challenging conversation is a step towards building stronger, more resilient relationships.