Beyond Words: What’s Missing in Online Connections

“I think she’s a GREAT candidate for the job. ;)” Faith texted her co-worker, Stan, after interviewing people for an opening in their department.

Stan’s response: “What did you like about her? How did she stand out?”

Faith frowned as she texted back, “Didn’t you see the wink? I was being sarcastic.”

Stan’s brow furrowed as he picked up the phone and called Faith, “So, she’s not a good candidate? What do you really think?”

Imagine if Stan was in Faith’s office and she said those same words. Her sarcasm would have come through in her timing, tone of voice, and facial expression. And Faith would have picked up Stan’s worry and confusion from his furrowed brow.

But only in person, if they were face-to-face. None of those emotional cues go along with a text or email.

While the missing emotional information in Faith’s message didn’t cause a big problem, such miscommunication can have serious consequences. Transmitting emotions doesn’t happen through words or the rational part of the brain. Emotions operate through the subcortex, a part of the brain that operates independent of the part that speaks or texts.

We transmit and read emotions unconsciously and instantaneously. A large percentage of the information shared in any face-to-face conversation flows through our nonverbal exchange of feelings. When we communicate through text, that content is missing.

Why Communicating Emotions Matters

To convey technical information, words and numbers serve well. But if you’re trying to make a decision as a group, resolve a conflict, present difficult news, or build support for a company’s mission, emotions matter. Empathy is the ability to tune into and understand someone else’s emotions.

As I put it in my book, Focus: The Hidden Driver of Excellence, “Our circuitry for empathy was designed for face-to-face moments. Today, working together online poses special challenges for empathy. Take, for example, that familiar moment in a meeting when everyone already knows but has not said, ‘Okay, then we all agree on this.’ Heads nod. But coming to such consensus in an online text-based discussion requires flying blind, without relying on the continuous cascade of nonverbal messages that in a real meeting let someone announce aloud the as-yet-unspoken agreement.”

Online we can base our reading of others only on what they write. What we don’t get in online text-based communication is emotion.

Get in the Same Room

Clay Shirky at New York University studies the internet and society, including how groups can work effectively across distance. One thing he talked about during our conversation for Socially Intelligent Computing is a shift that’s occurred in business meetings and conferences. Professor Shirky noticed how professional conferences include briefer presentations and Q&A periods to convey information and emphasize the type of interactive time that happens informally in the hallway.

He said, “Meetings have become more balanced towards emotional valence and less towards information transfer because there are better ways to transfer information than getting people in the same room but there are not better ways to create emotional valence.”

Choose wisely how best to communicate with others. If you want to share facts and figures, send it via text or email. If your goal is more complex or emotionally important, find ways to bring people together in person or by voice and video conferencing.

The Chemistry of Connection

I will explore the many routes to better communication in an upcoming workshop, The Chemistry of Connection, at the Garrison Institute. I’ll join my wife Tara Bennett-Goleman, horse whisperer RJ “Bob” Sadowski, Jr., and conflict resolver Aaron Wolf to explore inner and interpersonal tools for developing greater connection in all of our interactions.

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Supplemental Reading

Leadership: The Power of Emotional Intelligence - Selected Writings

What Makes a Leader: Why Emotional Intelligence Matters

The Brain and Emotional Intelligence: New Insights