Blasters, badmouthers, bottlers, brooders and builders. Which one are you?
Rich Hirst
Abundium Co-Founder 🌏 Performance Psychology 🌏 Exponential Growth 🌏 Coach & Speaker 🌏 Dad x 5
"How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it." Marcus Aurelius
I am writing this month’s article around a week after the tragic and horrific shootings in Christchurch New Zealand.
The actions of one man have changed the lives of so many. This was an extreme example of how anger can manifest behaviour beyond imagination if not dealt with effectively.
Conversely the response by the New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern and the community at large shows how anger can also become a positive force for change. We have seen humanity at its worst and best in Christchurch this month.
How is it that the same emotion can be a force for such evil and good?
There are at least five main ways people respond to anger: blasting, badmouthing, bottling, brooding and building.
Only the last option ‘builder’ is the one that’s beneficial over the longer term. This article will help you determine:
This is such an important topic as anger, and other so called ‘negative’ emotions are present in almost every day of our lives. They can turn the best of people, relationships, communities and organisations toxic with surprising speed and efficiency.
Anger is contagious.
We’ve all experienced how a brush with road rage can turn our disposition from happy to hurt in seconds, and in an effort to process that emotion we project it onto another driver or someone at our destination. They in turn may pass on the anger to another.
Research has shown that the impact of one person exhibiting extreme emotion can impact the emotional state of up to four people removed from that individual.
That is particularly the case for negative emotions such as anger, e.g. Bob’s anger at Jenny makes Jenny angry at Joe who gets angry at Peter who gets angry at Jill.
This reminds me of the famous five monkey experiment. Watch here if not familiar with the story. Too often we act out without really even knowing why.
The contagion effect is rife on social media too.
A Stanford study of nearly 700,000 Facebook users suggests we can pick up on, and mirror, the emotions we encounter in our social media feeds. The researchers found
“that when good things were happening in your news feed, to your friends and your family, you also tended to write more positively and less negatively."
And the reverse was true too. Viewing more negative posts prompted people to write more sad or angry things. Overall, the effects were very small, compared with what has been documented in face-to-face interactions, "but [the study] suggested that emotions can move through networks through contagion."
Researchers believe that the reason negative emotions tend to spread more quickly than positive ones is evolutionary. It makes sense that the family or tribe that reacts most quickly to one member’s fear or horror or anger is more likely to be ready to fight, flee or freeze in the event of an attack.
Despite the day to day occurrence of life threatening events being long gone for 99.9% of the global population our brains are still running this survival software. It is definitely time for an upgrade.
So what is your default response to negative stimuli such as anger. I will talk about the four unhelpful patterns first.
Default 1: Blasting
“Studies show that aggressively expressing anger doesn't relieve anger but amplifies it.” Gretchen Rubin
You would think that getting your anger out physically is better than holding it in but that does not appear to the case. We now know that anger eats away at your cardiovascular system and hijacks your nervous system, often obliterating the capacity for clear thinking.
“When we express it you're not necessarily better off. Anger doesn't automatically dissipate by being unleashed. Venting it in words or action doesn't make anger easier to manage; often it only increases the intensity of the feeling. Anger often feeds on itself. Plus, by furthering aggression it often brings irreversible damage to those in the immediate vicinity” as reported in Psychology Today.
What about punching a bag at the gym or taking it out on the sporting field? Although this is less damaging than actually attacking someone, doing so creates a pathway in our brain that links the emotion of anger with the action of aggression.
The next time we feel angry we may more quickly resort to physical aggression. As this pathway becomes stronger we need to increase the intensity of our behaviour to satisfy the impulse. Over time the punching bag will not suffice and we will search for other things to punish.
“A man cannot eat anger for breakfast and sleep with it at night and not suffer damage to his soul.“ Garrison Keillor
Default 2: Badmouthing
Another way we externalize our anger is through words. In an effort to re-establish control and authority we speak badly about, belittle or blame the person or situation that angered us. Ironically each of these actions actually erodes our power even further.
As we lay accountability on to someone or something else our mental resources are taken away from taking accountability for fixing or resolving the situation.
We are not always responsible for what happens to us but we are always able to respond to what happens to us constructively.
Easily said, difficult to do in many situations. It may be true that someone has hurt us, that we have been wronged by another. The reality is that even though you didn’t cause the situation it is impacting you the most, making you suffer.
“If we don't see ourselves as part of the problem, we cannot see ourselves as part of the solution.” Fred Kofman
This does not mean we blame ourselves. Rather by acknowledging that the problem is causing you to struggle then it is in your best interest to find a pathway ahead that leads to resolution and healing.
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else. You are the one that gets burned.” Gautama Buddha
Default 3: Bottling
The opposite of externalising our anger is to internalise. Internalising negative emotions takes two common forms. The first way is to put a lid on our anger, i.e. bottling.
Repressing or suppressing anger is not the answer. Over time pushed down emotions can manifest in all sorts of unhealthy ways such as depression and anxiety as well as disrupting relationships, affecting thinking and behavior patterns, and creating a variety of physical problems.
According to Susan David, Harvard professor and NYT best selling author of Emotional Agility, research also shows
"attempting to minimize or ignore emotions can intensify them."
Susan says "bottling is usually done with the best intentions but really [the emotions] have just gone underground - ready to pop back up at any time, and usually with surprising and inappropriate intensity ginned up by the containment pressure they've been under."
The difference between repression and suppression is relevant to bottling. As in the image above repression is when we ‘unconsciously’ deny our impulses. We may do this by ‘putting on a happy face’ and living in a state of denial. To everyone else we seem fine, maybe even great, but inside we are a ticking time bomb of unresolved conflict, waiting to go off.
Suppression is when we consciously bottle negativity. Activities like counting to 10 and breathing are useful strategies for dealing with anger in the short term but not sufficient by themselves over the longer term. Such activities only serving to distract ourselves from the source of the anger, not address it.
Default 4: Brooding
Brooding is the second way we internalize our anger. Susan David describes
brooding as “stewing in misery, endlessly stirring the pot around and around, not being able to let go, obsessing over a hurt or perceived failure or shortcoming or an anxiety.”
Susan says "brooding is a cousin to worry [ ] while worry looks forward, brooding looks back - an even more pointless exercise. Brooders lose perspective as molehills become mountains."
"It's like quicksand. The harder you struggle with your emotions the deeper you sink." Susan David PhD
"Brooders see their own problems as debilitating, and this self-focus sabotages any real effort to make things better. It leads to all sorts of negative feelings, which in turn lead to more ruminative thinking, creating a perilous cycle of thought and emotion" says psychologist Wray Herbert.
Worse still when we share a negative experience with others we can become 'co-brooders'. As we jointly sink into despair about how someone hurt us we become totally focused on what they did wrong and forget what we can do to turn the situation around. We become powerless.
We need to learn how to 'have' emotions without being 'had' by them.
Sh!t happens to all of us but as my old mentor used to say sh!t and fertiliser have the same chemical composition. The difference is how we use it. That brings us to the last option.
Default 5: Building
NZ PM Jacinda Ardern is a builder. I can’t imagine the complex cocktail of negative emotions she and others have felt over the last week since hearing about the shootings. However she and so many others have chosen to respond by building.
Ardern has responded by building support for all those effected; building stronger ties with the Muslim community locally and abroad; building new gun control laws to ensure this does not happen again, building the pride and love Kiwis have for their beautiful country and diverse population, building a new hope for peace and the prosperity of all New Zealanders.
Quite remarkable and inspiring in the face of such horror.
Ardern is the public face of this response but it would not be possible without so many others responding in comparable ways.
For me to see members of the rival gangs the Mongrel Mob, Black Power and Bandidos gathered in unity to perform the haka outside Al Noor mosque in Christchurch was particularly powerful.
“Love can heal, love can save”
commented one of the Mongrel Mob members in Sydney last week when they performed the haka outside Australia’s largest mosque in Lakemba. If bikies can respond to anger by being builders too then what possible excuse do we have to not follow suit.
And just this weekend before every super rugby match the opposing teams embraced in silence to remember those impacted by the shootings. None was more moving than the Christchurch Crusaders standing side-by-side with the NSW Waratahs. The Crusaders subsequent shock loss a sign of grief’s burden.
“We were really desperate to play well and represent our people and show how much we care,” Crusader’s Head Coach Scott Robertson said. A great example of building to be sure.
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So how can we all become builders?
Strategy 1: Acknowledge that negative emotions serve a purpose
Your feelings of anger or hurt or betrayal or pain may well be justified. Clearly that is the case in NZ. These emotions are designed to prompt activity to get us out of harm’s way. See these feelings for what they are… fuel. Use them to move you in a direction that turns your situation around, for the better.
Anger is triggered when we feel disempowered. It is designed to fire us up to reclaim our power. However as we said before doing so by acting out of aggression (blasting or badmouthing) or trying to repress or supress it (bottling and brooding) is only going to increase our anger.
Instead use the energy to make a positive difference to your situation and those around you à la Ardern.
Strategy 2: Get curious not furious
Take note of where your negative feelings are coming from. These emotions are also a prompt alerting you to something not being quite right. Sometimes the cause of the emotions is obvious but at other times it can be very subtle, or maybe even a combination of a few different things.
Once we are aware of the source of our discontent then we are in a better position to do something about it. Looking at our problems dead in the eyes isn’t a pleasant thing to do but to not do so robs us of the opportunity to do anything about it.
We may also find that when we have a firm grip on why we are feeling bad that we realise we have misinterpreted the situation. Reaching this conclusion is not likely unless we:
Years of pain can be avoided if we let our emotions serve their purpose.
Strategy 3: Check your beliefs and expectations
When searching for the source we may find that a belief or expectation is causing much of the pain or anger. Challenging this belief or expectation may be the key to shifting your emotional response.
For example, if you believe ‘my boss doesn’t like me’ every time they are grumpy or appear to ignore you it will feel personal and in turn make you feel a raft of negative emotions such as anger. The greater likelihood is your boss’s behaviour has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the stress or pressure they are under at work or maybe even at home.
Expectations can catch us out too, especially with friends, family and our life partners. Our expectations of others are clear in our heads, but rarely do we make them explicit to others, assuming those expectations are reasonable in the first place. Given this we should hardly be surprised when others don’t match up to our unspoken and / or unrealistic expectations.
Fortunately we are in the box seat to turn this around by being more open with others about our expectations. In doing so they have the opportunity to respond, clarifying their understanding, aligning with our needs and / or helping us refine and improve our own thinking. Win:win:win: win.
Strategy 4: Label our negative emotions
There is a world of difference between saying “I am angry” and saying “I am feeling angry” and “I am experiencing the emotion of anger.” These three expressions move from a place of no distinction between you and your emotion to one where the emotion is acknowledged just as that, an emotion.
We are not our emotions any more than the weather today reflects our annual climate. Our emotions change, as do our thoughts, and acknowledging this is a powerful way to ensure that although we ‘have’ emotions we don’t get ‘had’ by them.
As Susan David says in this HBR video, labeling our negative emotions and thoughts creates space between you and what’s passing through your head. With that space comes choice, choice to respond not react, choice to move in a direction of healing and growth.
Strategy 5: Accept our negative emotions
It is not possible to live life without negative emotions, thoughts or experiences. To attempt to do so we would have to isolate ourselves from everything and everyone. Such sensory deprivation is one of the most horrible forms of torture so clearly not the answer.
Rather than avoid negative experiences it is possible to embrace them. Tech companies have made the mantra ‘fail fast’ a common strategy for companies wanting to grow. They acknowledge that rapid growth is not possible without getting things wrong and experiencing failure. The same is true for us.
Negative emotions also help us appreciate the positive ones even more. No light without darkness. Happiness without sorrow. Joy without pain. You know the drill. Cliched I know but true.
Remember the scene from 90’s sci-fi masterpiece The Matrix where the Architect is explaining to Neo how the first Matrix was a failure because it was too perfect.
“It was a virtual paradise, a utopia for humanity. Unfortunately, humans are not accustomed to living in a perfect world, and the test subjects rejected the simulation because it just wasn't right.” The Architect
A life with only positivity is not life as we know it. It just isn’t right. We need the negatives to keep us clear, focused and driven. Adversity plays a critical role in our lives.
“Adversity doesn’t define us. It refines us.”
Strategy 6: Act from your values
Susan’s final suggestion from the video after step 4 and 5 is to then act from your values. Our values are typically stable over time, unlike our emotions and thoughts. When we choose our actions in alignment with our values we are typically far better off than choosing in alignment with our emotions.
I had the good fortune to meet NZ PM Ardern just six weeks before she gave birth to her daughter Neve last year. She had just returned from meeting Merkel in Germany. Despite the jet lag and the back log of business she must have had on her mind she arrived on time and fully present to meet with our CEO community.
The PM spent about two hours with us sharing her vision for NZ and then stayed to meet every single CEO in the room. She was curious to learn from each of the CEOs about their operations in New Zealand, but more impressively she connected on a personal level with all she met.
Her values of service, sincerity, humanity and curiosity were clearly evident to all despite her emotional fatigue and likely thoughts of where she had to be next. I have met few that lead with such incredible intuition. What a remarkable human she is!
Strategy 7: Get mindful not mindless
Mindfulness is taking the business world by storm at the moment. Michael Bunting (pictured below) is one of the best teachers I have met in this space. Michael has written numerous books the latest of which is titled The Mindful Leader.
In a recent article Michael defines mindfulness as follows.
“Frequently, mindfulness is just taught as being “attentionally present”, but it goes a lot deeper than that, you need to emotionally present as well and this requires a warm, kind open-heartedness, open-mindedness. So, mindfulness is remembering to stay in the present moment sustainably and open-heartedly.”
Being present and open hearted in the face of anger is key to strategies one to six previously mentioned. Mindfulness empowers us to choose our response in any situation. It is central to self regulation, a cornerstone to human functioning and flourishing.
The key to mindfulness is practice. Even 10 minutes a day has been shown to make a significant difference to our mental wellbeing. To learn more about mindfulness read here.
Strategy 8: Forgive not forget
"Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you are." Cherie Carter-Scott
Despite forgiveness being an age old spiritual tradition we have only recently understood the process and benefits of forgiveness from a scientific perspective.
25 years of research on forgiveness are captured in the book Forgiveness is a Choice published by the American Psychological Association. In brief forgiveness has 3 key steps.
"Unforgiveness is like drinking poison yourself & waiting for the other person to die." Marianne Williamson
The old adage ‘forgive and forget’ is pretty unrealistic in my experience. In fact I am not sure forgetting is actually a good thing in many cases. It is important we remember the lesson learned from that experience. To forget about it all together would rob us of valuable development. What a tragedy it would be to go through such pain and then gain nothing from it. As Churchill said…
“Never waste a good crisis.”
Strategy 9 Get physical!
Not with our fists but with our feet. The strategies above are largely cognitive, i.e. they require you to reason and think your way through the situation. Fortunately we can also use our body to help us create space between our emotional reaction and how we choose to respond.
One of the best ways to do this is go for a walk. Changing your physical state changes your mental state.
It is more than reasonable in a professional context where things are getting ‘hot and heavy’ to say “I am keen to resolve what we’re discussing. Can we reconvene later today or tomorrow. I want to be in the best state to ensure we reach the best outcome for us both?”
If that is not an option then at the very least give yourself a micro-break. Grab a glass of water for yourself and the other person, stand up if you were sitting down, sit down if you were standing up, position yourself alongside the person instead of face to face, stretch, breathe, do whatever you can to change your physical state.
Changing your place changes your head space.
Giving the other person the space to stop, breathe and reflect is a gift to them also.
Conclusion
There is so much more to be said on this topic, but hopefully this article provides a starting point on the latest thinking and research available and may help you, a friend or a colleague that is struggling with anger, or negative emotions more broadly. Fortunately there is much great literature and content available, some linked in this article, if you want to go deeper.
For those that have read my articles before or know my passion is high performance. I strongly believe that we cannot be at our best without developing 'emotional agility' as Susan David calls it. The difficulty of being agile in response to anger is proportional to the benefits of doing so as we have seen in NZ this month. Our thoughts and prayers go to all those impacted. Apologies if I have oversimplified or been insensitive in any way above.
Author Jim Butcher sums it up well.
"Anger is just anger. It isn't good. It isn't bad. It just is. What you do with it is what matters. It's like anything else. You can use it to build or to destroy. You just have to make the choice. "
Rich Hirst is a leadership, change and high performance psychologist. His insights are based on real world experiences from his work with 10,000+ leaders and over 1,000 CEOs, underpinned by his knowledge as an organisational psychologist and expertise as a change agent supporting organisations for more than 20 years going through major transformation.
For more information please go to www.richhirst.com or contact me via email on rich@richhirst.com. Please find below links to my previous monthly posts.
Psychologist. Harvard Medical School. TED Speaker. Author of the #1 WSJ bestseller Emotional Agility. Co-Founder of Institute of Coaching.
5yThank you Rich for this thoughtful, insightful and important post.
Consultant | Design Thinking | Value Creation | Change Management
5yThis article resonated with me personally not just because of the huge tragedy in NZ - but on the home front - teaching and guiding my 5 year old son and 4 year old daughter about getting angry... There are so many loose methods and old wives/dads tales on dealing with young people - your strategies are excellent reference and tools for big and small - building it together! Well done.
Consultant | Design Thinking | Value Creation | Change Management
5yexcellent article with mindful and realistic strategies for all - did anyone working in a elected capacity (England, Australia, all of the world) read this? Thanks for posting.
Brand Manager - Lighting at Pierlite Pakistan
5yTrue leadership & really impressive 👌
Servant Leader | Relationship Builder | Difference Maker |
5yvaluable read! Thank you