BLEEDING SOULS episode 1
“Dear vagina, I write this from the bottom of my heart and sacred space. I promise you that the next person I will allow inside of you will worship and honour you; they will deeply appreciate the opportunity to be with you. For now it is you and me. Let’s enjoy each other’s company. I promise to know you better than any other person not even the doctors who are trained to have experience and knowledge about my gynecological issues. I will always cater for your needs whenever they arise” these were the words from her vaginal vows Binti had wrote some years back while she was an adolescent and today as she was standing in front of her mirror it was as fresh as if she wrote them just yesterday.
Binti was on her mirror standing transfixed wondering what life meant for her. She looked at the second -self that she knew existed to the eyes of the world but which was different from the girl inside her. She felt her heart emaciated, lost and broken. She had lost her love for life. She was living waiting for her days to end not because she hated everything about herself but because she hated what life gave her- a destiny that she had never thought before could befall her.
At times she walks through the street of her dark town feeling broken. Her soul in shreds, butterflies running through her stomach. Sometimes she feels nauseated by the feeling of how her life changed from a hopefully lady to a hopeless, lonely and devastated woman. Binti is like a wounded lioness, walking alone in the jungle lacking the energy to kill its prey. It is as if she is dying watching and there is nothing she could do to save herself. She feels her soul wants to live more days but her body, mind and brain is begging for eternal resting.
Sometimes while walking she looks at the broken pieces of old, forgotten and dirty windows of worn out shops, she sees the darkness and feels the despair just like herself. She looks at those broken pieces and feels that her heart looks like them- broken and useless.
Her hopes and dreams lies in the dust- forgotten. She feels like a huge scar inside her heart that will never heal. She had cried, cried and cried until her eyes couldn’t produce tears anymore. She feels her tear glands are deserted and if she ever cries again maybe she’d produce mucus or blood….in short, she feels even her eyes are tired of producing anything corresponding to her misery.
She stood there looking at the mirror as she talked to herself “I’m a rejected child, full of pain and suffering. Full of misunderstood emotions. I’m just like a broken and forgotten toy. I sit in the morning sun and the evening glowing sky with tears straining my dirty and bruised face.my once beautiful face is wrinkled. People look at me but don’t see. They listen but don’t hear. I wonder but I cannot understand my own pain. I’m scared, scared of life and death”
Years back, she was a lady with beauty and brains. She was determined on being the most successful lady like the ones she have been seeing on billboards and watching on television. She was a lady of substance. She waked up early every day with a burning hope and a living desire that one day she’d be named among the ladies who brought change to her society. She was doing everything to make that dream come true. She was hardworking, prayerful and kind but all came to a sudden change when her parents died instantly from a car crash, relatives took everything away from her and as an only child she was left all alone with no parents, no sister or brother.
It was on a fine Monday morning. Dew on the grass was shining like pieces of mirror exposed to direct sunlight. The fresh air coming from her open window made her feel life was the most precious gift the gods could ever gave. Binti was still on her bed, awake but lying there. Her half naked body was feeling her blanket with her hotness as she playfully moved herself playing with the pillows.
It was school holidays and the queen was all day home reading, watching and resting. She was on bed with a novel entitled “Sex riches” –Binti is such a highly intelligent girl and to her…..reading was the only way she’d master a lot about life. She desired to know more about sex and her novel had gotten her covered. Her favorite character in her book was “Nairobi” a lady named after a city who behaved exactly like a city- with beauties and favorites that filled her life with joy. Nairobi was portrayed to have mastered sex so well that she became a coach to her mates. She was tall, black with an unusually glittering white teeth that rested on a beautifully gap that made her look like a picture. Binti loved her character so much that she nicknamed herself “Binti Nairobi”
It was this fine morning that her parents ended in a car crash that left her lonely like a lamb that lost its mother and was standing in front of hungry and angry wolfs ready to tear it up- she felt lost and scared almost to death. The police have arrived and informed their maid {Madi} that the house owners had lost their lives. Madi didn’t inform Binti instead she screamed the hell out of herself as if she’d seen the devil {Wooiiii, Binti our parents are no more sweetie} Binti came to the sitting room and she couldn’t believe what she saw with her eyes- photos of her parents on the wreck, lying in pool of blood , dead instantly. She couldn’t even recognize their faces. A neighbor who was at the scene had taken the photos. This day, Binti wanted to die. She wanted to cry so loud but her voice and tears were lost. She couldn’t move her body. It was as if she was experiencing episodes of muscle cramps. All she did was faint…..she fainted for almost three hours and when she waked up, she was covered in hospital needles and drips, her friends , neighbors and aunt {Moscow} were next to her. She was guided like she was the queen of England- everyone wanted to see her awake and alive!
She was preparing herself for work. The only thing that she dependent on for life {People are always judgmental about ladies who choose her path but to her, this was the only way that made her put food on her table, dress and pay her bills} Binti is a slender , tall and with a chocolate complexion. She has bright brown eyes, a pointed nose and lips that were smaller, cute and shiny without lip shiner. She exposed her thighs from the short dress she was wearing, her breasts stood pointed while her waist exposed natural buttocks that made her a butterfly around her vicinity.
Men liked her charm and her naturally beauty, they were friendly to her whenever they spoke or slept with her. Today she’s standing there with her eyes full of tears. She was crying from the show she just watched on her television before she started to prepare herself for work. It was a show hosted by a Christian woman who was talking about “Prostitution” she had started her talk with a religious quote “Forgive them father for they don’t know what they’re doing”
Binti has lived her life believing that all women are sisters and to her {All sisters should care about each other; they should not judge other sisters but fight for them. Pray for them and hope the best for them} today that believe started feeling like a lie she had been living with since she was born. She watched the other lady {A Christian lady} condemning and cursing other sisters who have chosen prostitution.
Binti remembered a time she was in high school, a time she was tender and fresh to getting started in the world of adolescents dating. She had been into several relationships that made her come to exactly what she was remembering today “Her vaginal vows” she had been heart broken by boys at that time and despite her brain and beauty…..boys never stopped making her believe that all men were alike and that what a man wanted from a woman is never something any woman would really have an idea about.
Her vaginal vows came after having several sexual acts with the boys she dated before. It happened to her that at a point she contracted sexual transmitted infection…….this took her to hospital {First time in her life to expose her vagina to someone she wasn’t having sex with and this time, the doctor was a man} That day Binti was made to lie on bed as her doctor examined her vagina, the doctor was a young looking, brave and slim boy who was not far from Binti’s age. She was surprised how a young man could have such heart to stand before a naked beautifully looking lady trying to examine her instead of having an erection! She asked her doctor if he was sure he’d continue attending to her “Hey, are you sure you’re comfortably carrying this procedure out?” “Yes miss, I have done several of this before. I have no problem doing my work and if you don’t mind could you please undress fully?”
Binti was made to put off her clothes leaving her exposed both breasts and her privates parts. The young doctor went ahead and examined her. As he was touching her vulva Binti started experiencing arousal as she moved from one side to the other. She wished the young man could stop what he was doing and concentrate on her sexual desires.
Doctor Ben wasn’t taken by his patients’ show of sexual urge; she completed his job and asked Binti to dress up. Binti was sweating profusely when her assessment finished. She wondered how on earth that young doctor didn’t respond to her sexual arousal. She looked him on his eyes and asked him “How do you cope with this kind of stuff doc?” “What stuff miss?” “This women thing, you attend to a lady and as you touch them they get sexual aroused, how on earth do you get to walk past such temptation? Do you ever erect at such circumstances?” “I don’t think I have the right to answer such questions dear. I have completed my job and that what I’m trained to do, please could you leave the room for next patient?” Binti went out as another lady came in for examination.
She thought to herself “I wouldn’t be able to cope with such kind of job. What would I do if I’d be the doctor to examine men who would erect before my eyes?” she asked herself dozens of questions and wondering how the boy {her doctor} managed it. She went home with questions until a thought came to her mind “I think it all depends on how one responds to one’s sexual desires or how you control yourself” that day she made her vaginal vows. She took a pen and paper and wrote her vows down.
“Dear vagina, I write this from the bottom of my heart and sacred space. I promise you that the next person I will allow inside of you will worship and honour you; they will deeply appreciate the opportunity to be with you. For now it is you and me. Let’s enjoy each other’s company. I promise to know you better than any other person not even the doctors who are trained to have experience and knowledge about my gynecological issues. I will always cater for your needs whenever they arise.
From this moment hence forth, she continued, I promise to love, honour and cherish you in sickness and health, in good and bad times till death do us part” after she was done writing her vows down, she looked down between her legs and said “Hello sexy! She greeted her vagina and felt like it was the very first time she had expressed so much affection between herself and the precious friend between her legs! She felt excited. It was like meeting her first lover for the first time in life. “Take off your clothes” she felt a thought that her vagina asked her to undress. She didn’t hesitate to that quest and within the blink of an eye Binti was naked talking to her friend between her legs. She looked at her vagina and screamed “Sweetie you’re wonderfully made”!
She was remembering that moment when she was caring for her well-being as a teenager girl who had hopes and a burning faith to become a lady of great achievements and today…..she was there standing in front of mirror crying and hoping that she wasn’t the woman she was today……a prostitute who was doing it for survival . She felt tormented and hurt inside her. She had been moved by the speaker {The Christian woman on her television} the speaker was a deeply-angry looking woman who stood with Christian values, she was a female political representative arguing that prostitution should remain illegal. She was cursing and condemning ladies who practiced the act.
Binti thought to herself that it was very sad this woman couldn’t understand that at times a person has no other options or choice. She wished that this woman could realize that prostitutes do a dangerous job and that they needed protection not condemnation. One thing she, Binti knew for sure was that if Jesus himself was part of the debate, he would have argued that prostitutes need protection and mercy.
Binti had always found it sad when one woman judged another. Didn’t all women, even if it was only for one tiny moment become victims of their lives or men? Why was the other woman on television closing her eyes from seeing the need to fight for other women instead she’s condemning them? What have life offered her, to make her forget how much important it was for a woman to fight for another? Binti hated politics because to her, politics was nothing but ………a self-centered cult that made many people believe they were right even when they were wrong. She believed that it was politics which made men and women who used to care about others become self-centered creatures that had lost love and empathy. To her, a politician was no far to a hypocrite!
At this moment, Binti recalled a story of her best friend who died several years ago because of how she was treated by her own father. Her eyes watered up as she went deep into thinking about her life and what happened to her friend years ago. It was the cry from the television woman that had rooted all her life memories……It was the belief that politicians thought they were always right that had ignited her soul at this moment. She felt as if her heart was bleeding. She looked at herself on the mirror and compared herself to the broken pieces of old houses on the streets. She looked at herself as a forgotten child of God. She felt no reason as to why she was still breathing at that moment.
Binti felt heavy on her own body weight due to the heavy emotions that were running down her blood flow, she sat down as she sobbed bitterly. The picture of her dead friend came to her eyes, she could see the moments the two shared together. Her friends’ name was Laura, she was beautiful, kind and soft hearted. She was Binti’s closest friend and a person they shared a lot in common……Both beauty and brains. Laura Pascal, the second of five daughters at the Pascal’s family, when Laura was alive, she couldn’t decide whether food or love was the scarcest at her home.
Laura’s mother was always drunk, pregnant or nursing. Her father would work sometimes. The rest of the time, he was either drunk, beating them up or calling them the worst names under the sun.
Laura’s life changed when her young sister told her the worst of news one could ever hear from a young sister {Someone you love and care about. Someone you’re obligated to protect all the time} the younger sisters’ name was Mercy. One day while they were seated Laura saw that Mercy’s’ beautiful black eyes were red and swollen. This happened the day Mercy told Laura that she was pregnant with their father’s child. “What do you mean Mercy?” Laura’s ears were ringing. “Just what I’m saying Laura, it is daddy’s child. H-h-he has been messing with me for two years now every time mum is drunk and she doesn’t even know what is going on”
No, Mercy no!
Laura went inside and grabbed a knife and stormed out of the house running, running, running until she was exhausted. Then she started walking, as she was walking she was sobbing. She had been eight when she realized that the Pascal’s family was worse than animals. She had gone to visit Kendi, a classmate at her home. She couldn’t believe it was so different to theirs: clean, happy and no violence.
But Mercy’s pregnant was the worst. Now everybody would know that they, the Pascal’s family, were actually animals. That she, Laura was an animal. And poor Mercy. Mercy was her favorite person in the world. She loved playing a make-believe world that was different from the hole-hell they actually lived in. And many times, she used to make Laura take part on her imaginable world game.
Sometimes they would be sitting behind the couch, Mercy would be Miss Margaret Kenyatta and Laura would be Princess Ngina Kenyatta. They would be sipping water and pretend to be tea. Their father would come stumbling into the house drunk and shouting. They wouldn’t be bothered because they were royalty, having tea at Safari park hotel. Their father would be a servant arriving drunk at the servants’ quarters totally harmless.
But this time around, their make- believe world couldn’t make what Mercy had to go away. Not even mentioning the poor baby. After sobbing her eyes out and tired of walking, she called out her father’s name as if she was calling someone else not her father “Mr Pascal? Where the hell are you? You dog, son of the most evil creature? You pig-shit and male devil, where are you?
Binti recalled that day, that was one of her darkest days before she lost her own parents. That day when Laura called her father by his name with a knife at hand, it was that day when she lost her friend. Laura had attacked her father who was smoking marijuana with his friends on a neighbor club and rumor had it that she stubbed her father twice before he grabbed the knife and stubbed her to death! Laura died fighting for Mercy {Fighting for a sister} why was the lady on television chosen not to fight for her sisters? Why was she condemning them instead? Was she aware that men like Laura’s father were still alive and were responsible for impregnating and killing their own daughters in the name of self-defense?
Had this television woman seen the things men do to women? Beating and killing? Had she heard about the boys killing ladies in the name of affairs in colleges and universities? Who the hell does she think she is anyway? Binti was angered by the television and its lies!
She felt bitter like a hungry hyena which missed its left overs. She closed the door behind her and screamed “I’m a victim, a victim of life. A victim of pain and tears .I is a victim of sorrow and abuse. Just when I think I got it right, life fucks me up again. Just after I catch my breath and think that I’m relaxed, life strangles me again. When I untangle the chains and think that I’m free, life locks me up again, I’m a dead-scared victim. I’m a victim of love, a prisoner to a beast with no values or morals. For how long will my heart never feel free, loved and comforted?” she lied down and sobbed bitterly.
She cried until she slept on her floor. While asleep, Binti dreamed about her best moments with her mother. The slender, principled and beautifully friend Binti had known all her life. Her mother was a devoted Christian and she, Binti was a pretty cunning daughter. She was the drama child at her village. She vividly dreamed a moment she was young that waked her up laughing uncontrollably as if she wasn’t the same lady who slept from her sobs {Dreams at times are the best healers of misery}
She dreamed a time that makes her miss her mother whenever it comes to mind: At a time she had attend a private school and she was always the champion of sports every day every single year and her mother won the mom’s trophy every year. Why? Because she was always chasing her to kick her ass and she was always running not to get her ass kicked. No body at her village runs like her mother and her. Her mother wasn’t among those “Come over here” type of moms. She’d deliverer it to her free of charge. She was a thrower too. Whatever was next to her was coming to her too.
If it was something breakable, she’d had to catch it and put it down, if its breaks it was Binti’s fault too and the ass kicking would be that worse too. If she threw a glass at her, she’d have to catch it and put it down and then run. In a split second Binti had to think “is it valuable, yes it is breakable. Yes catch it, put it down. Now run” they had a Tom and Jerry relationship between her mother and her. Her mother was the strict disciplinarian while Binti she was naughty as shit.
She would be sent to the market and she wouldn’t come home straight because she liked games. She would use the change to play video games, time would fly and the next thing she knew there’d be a woman behind her with a belt or a fresh stick. It would be a race. She would take off through the door of the video place and clambering over walls and through backyards all over the street around her village.
It was a normal thing around her village. Everybody knew: That Binti child would come through like a bat out of hell and her mother would be right there behind her. The mother could go at a full sprint on high heels but if she really wanted to come after her, she had this thing where she’d kick her shoes off while still going at top speed. She’d do this weird move with her ankles and the heels would go flying and she wouldn’t even miss a step. That’s when Binti knew her mom was in turbo mode!
When she was little, she always caught her but when she got older, she got faster and when speed failed her mother, she’d use her wits. If Binti was about to get away her mother would yell “Stop thief!” she would do that to her own child.
At her village, nobody gets involved into other people’s business-unless it was mob justice and then everybody wants in. so her mother would yell “Thief!” knowing it would bring the whole neighborhood against Binti. And then she’d had strangers trying to grab and tackle Binti and she’d have to duck and dive and dodge them as well as all the while screaming “I’m not a thief, I’m her child!”
Her mother was stubborn as she was religious. Once her mind was made up that was it. Indeed obstacles that would normally lead a person to change their plan like a car break down, only made her more determined to stick to her plan. “It’s the devil” she’d say about her car that was refusing to start off its engine. “The devil doesn’t want us to go to church that why we have to foot today because he’s tempting us with the car” whenever Binti founded herself up against her mothers’ faith based obstinacy, she would try as respectfully as possible, to encounter with an opposing point of view. “Or,” she said “the lord knows that today, we shouldn’t go to church, which is why he made sure the car wouldn’t start so that we stay at home as a family and take a day as rest, because even the lord rested”
“Ah, that’s the devil talking, Binti”.
“No, because Jesus is in control and if Jesus is in control and when we pray to Jesus, he would let the engine start but he hasn’t therefore……………….”
“No Binti, sometimes Jesus puts obstacles on your way to see if you can overcome them. Like Job. This could be a test”
“Ah, yes mom. But the test could be to see if we’re willing to accept what has happened and stay at home and praise Jesus for his wisdom”
“No, that’s the devil talking girl now go change your clothes”
“But, Mom”
“Binti! Haraka”
“Haraka” is a phrase with many meaning …..It says “Don’t undermine me”, “Don’t underestimate me”, and “Just try me and see” it’s a command and a threat. Any time Binti heard it, she knew that the conversation was over and if she uttered another word she was in for hiding because a fight between the two would erupt!