I suspect that there are very few males over the age of 15 who don’t immediately get a visceral reaction to the three words at the top of this page.
From the time that Ian Fleming first created the James Bond character, in 1953, in Casino Royale, and the debut of the first Bond movie, Dr. No, in 1962, boys and men of all ages have been captivated by Bond. After all, here is a guy who looks great in any clothing that he wears, excels in any kind of physical activity, athletic or otherwise, drives amazing cars, has watches that make every watch-lover green with envy, and makes everything that he does look easy. In addition, he has a love life that satisfies every adolescent fantasy. What’s more, no matter what Bond does, he does it with flair and style.
I confess that I’ve been a Bond fan ever since I was about 12, when I saw Dr.No¸and then started reading every Bond book that I could get my hands on. I’ve fantasized over driving an Aston Martin, especially one equipped with all of the super-cool gadgets. I never mind wearing a tux, because, after all, doesn’t every guy look amazing in a tux? Even me, all 5 foot 7 inches of me doesn’t look half bad in one. Perhaps that’s what led me to get a job as a banquet waiter as I worked my way through law school; I had to wear a tux all weekend long.
Guys of every age have watched the Bond movies, hoping to pick up tips on just the right ways to appear cool, suave, and debonair.
Bond’s sense of style is utter perfection; he is not only always dressed to perfection, but his home looks like something that belongs to an English earl. What’s more, he manages all of this on a government worker’s salary.
Bond’s adventures take him all over the world. Often he travels through a number of countries all within the scope of one movie or one book. It’s nothing for Bond to be in three or 4 countries in the span of one week.
So, what’s got me writing this Ode to James today? Why am I now, at this stage in my life, spending so much time writing about a fictional character? Easy, it’s the travel.
Actually, let me clarify that last statement: It’s not the travel; it’s the ease of travel that one sees in the Bond films and novels. If I really want to be fair, this same ease of travel is a given in so many films and novels. If the plot line calls for it, the protagonists, whether male or female, travel all over the world at a moment’s notice.
You see, in fiction, if a character needs or wants to be somewhere, they merely pick up the phone, or their laptop, make one call, or enter a few keystrokes, and Whoosh! they are off. To make it even worse, they get perfect seats on a flight that leaves in only a couple of hours, on a non-stop flight no less.
I started thinking of the gross unfairness of fictional characters to be able to travel in this fashion as I spent approximately 4 hours this weekend trying to book a flight for myself for a conference in New Orleans in February. Mind you, I wasn’t booking hotels, or a tour, or anything other than the flight. I ONLY WANTED THE FLIGHT!!!!! I wasn’t going anywhere exotic; I wasn’t making any unique demands; I just wanted to get on a plane in Philadelphia, take off, and land sometime in the same day in New Orleans.
I started off by looking at the websites for the major airlines, trying to learn which carriers ran non-stop flights from Philadelphia. Immediately, I ran into the first obstacle: each of the websites wanted to shift me into flights with one or two stops. The layovers went from a ludicrous 33 minutes to an equally insane 12 hours. All this for an actual flight time of about 3 or 4 hours.
In the case of the 33 minute layover, the realities of air travel in 2022 meant that I had as much chance of making my connection as I did of running a 3 minute mile. Even assuming that the original flight left on time, a huge unrealistic assumption, that then assumed that there would be no air traffic delays, so that I would land on time. Again, about as realistic as my body stretching to be 6’3” all while I was in the air. Then, going a step further down this road of Fantastic Voyages there needed to be the assumption that the connecting flight would leave from the same terminal and from a gate that wasn’t 6 ½ miles from my arrival gate.
I vividly remember a time when I was making a connection in Atlanta. There was a layover of 1 ½ hours; a time that I thought was more than ample to get me to my next flight on time. Of course, every one of the things that could go wrong did go wrong. When we finally landed I had no more than 5 minutes to get to my next plane before it left the ground.
For those who have never flown out of Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport, a beautiful airport indeed, you should know that there are two terminals, seven concourses, and 195 gates. My plane had come into the domestic terminal, arriving on the first of the domestic concourses, at a gate that was as far from the terminal hub as it was possible to be. My connecting flight was at a gate that was at the concourse that was the farthest from my arrival concourse, and at, you guessed it, the farthest away from the terminal hub as possible.
Now remember, I’m only 5’7” and my little legs don’t cover much ground at a time. What’s more, I am assuredly not a track star. Nevertheless, I started running with all of my energy, pulling a carry-on bag behind me. Of course, travel being what it is, one of the wheels of the bag dropped off as I was running. In the end, I got to the new gate as they were just about to pull the jetway away from the plane. Mercifully, the gate attendant managed to get the jetway operator to halt the backward movement of the jetway. By the grace of whatever travel Gods there are, I got onto the plane. Remember, before I started this diatribe I had chosen a connecting flight with a 90 minute layover, and still I was stuck in this travel nightmare.
Compare my experience with that of Bond. Bond needs to get on a flight to Malaysia after M has told him to do so. As he leaves M’s office in London, he stops to kiss Miss Moneypenny, M’s faithful assistant, and tells her to get him on a flight. It is now probably about 5:00 P.M. By the time he gets back to his elegant townhouse to pack a couple of things, Moneypenny has texted him a message that she has gotten him on a nonstop flight leaving that evening at 8:00 P.M. Bond gets to the airport first class lounge in time to grab a drink, board the plane, settle into his seat, accept a glass of champagne from the flight attendant, and the plane takes off at 8:00 P.M. on the dot.
Even once I found a non-stop flight to New Orleans, my ordeal wasn’t over, I had to enter my Frequent Flyer number, which is not always recognized by the computer, then enter my Known Traveler Number, only to have the system temporarily lock up. Eventually I did get a confirmed set of tickets, at which time I was so drained that all I wanted to do was grab a martini and zone out for the rest of the evening.
So yes, I do envy James Bond for the many ways in which he has been blessed. I’d even give up looking passable in a tux if I could just buy a simple roundtrip ticket to a destination in the U.S. in under 4 hours. Life, at least real life, is SO UNFAIR!
Mike Snyder
msnyder@adrdri.com
Equities Trader at Investment Strategies Unlimited
2yGreat story Mike. I would rather stay home and watch 007 on Netflix! Be well.