A Book A Day - Weekly Digest 30

The High-Conflict Couple by Alan E. Fruzzetti

💡Key takeaway💡

There will always be conflict between partners. Mindfulness in conversations can lead to managing them.

💎 Key ideas💎

Being mindful of your emotional state helps you avoid unnecessary fights. We have a baseline emotional state, where we're able to think clearly, communicate well. Emotional arousal is when we are off the baseline. Not necessarily bad as long as not too much. If your partner comes home late, and if you are in emotional arousal, you might make a nasty comment. Then leading to your partner off her baseline, then conflict. Learn to recognize what happens then.

You might be in the same room, but you're not necessarily in the same emotional space. Close by but not paying attention to each other: passively together. This might lead to loneliness and negative emotions. Actively together: aware of your partner's feelings and enjoying their company. Be mindful and present, what is she doing? What do you like about her? Engage in more activities as a couple, share life experiences.

Effective communication is made of accurate expression and validation. A good conversation shows many switches back and forth. First know what you want going into a conversation. Solve a problem? be closer emotionally? Then wait until you're emotionally balanced, as well as your partner, relaxed, with no distractions. Tell your partner how you feel and why. Be direct.

Validation means communicating understanding and acceptance. This active listening builds trust, reduces negative feelings. It can be eye contact, nodding, show that you're present and hearing. Or verbal acknowledgement. It reduces negative arousal. It also makes you feel better about yourself. Validation is about recognizing actions, emotions, desires, opinions. Ask questions, clarify.

Problems will keep coming, communication will help you manage them. 1st step, identify the problem. Arguments get derailed with underlying issues not addressed. So sit down, discuss your fights together. Use expression and validation skills. Be specific and detailed when analyzing the problem, break it down, use a flowchart. Generate a solution as a team, list several fixes, look at pros/cons, combinations, negotiate.

Being in a relationship is learning that you won't always get your way. You can choose despair or acceptance. If you're trying to change your partner and failing, perhaps you need a new strategy. No more energy in fixing, embrace the things you can't change. Accept the negative emotions at first, develop soothing rituals. Look at how what you don't like about your partner might be linked to what you want. Focus on the big picture, choose acceptance and love.

#ABookADay #readingbooks #conflictmanagment

Bulletproof Problem Solving by Robert McLean

💡Key takeaway💡

Maybe our main task in life is just to solve problems. And the most important starting point is always problem definition and framing.

💎 Key ideas💎

Problem-solving only works if you're answering the right questions. Take a moment to think carefully about that. Otherwise you might be like newspapers with internet, who thought that the problem was content, when it was about who attracted advertising. Who are they decision makers? What will success look like? How can I gauge if my solution is working or failing? What's my time frame? Anything off-limits as solutions?

The author wanted to decide whether to install solar panels for a better carbon footprint. He used a logic tree to untangle the problem. 1) Formulate a hypothesis (should install solar panels). 2) What evidence supports this hypothesis? (ROI over ten year, lower carbon footprint by 10%). 3) Collect the data (current/future footprint, current/future consumption). Both were better than criteria, time to install solar panels. Hypothesis and criteria drive data needed.

How do you boost Pacific salmon fish stocks? Many answers: improve ocean conditions, restore damages habitats, reduce fishing quotas, etc. Which strategy gives you the most impactful result? Prioritize through scale of impact, ability to influence outcomes. In this case, high impact, high influence is to improve the conditions in the most important breeding rivers.

There are more than 100 common cognitive errors that we individually make (biases). You need to work as a well-organised team. Meaning here an egalitarian atmosphere in which everyone's proposals is heard. At McKinsey it is the obligation to dissent, from every level. To avoid rating ideas on the status of the person vs the merit of the idea. Assign team members ten votes to put on proposals on a whiteboard. The most senior member does it last.

To treat data right, use heuristics, they help you find a solution that meshes with your data. Occam's razor: the simplest solution is usually the correct one. Better to run with the hypothesis that makes the fewest assumptions. 80/20 rule (Pareto rule): 80% of outcomes are determined by 20% of causes. List your problems (complaints, missed orders, etc.), score each problem on how big an impact if solved, identify root causes. Group the problems by root causes, add up the scores. The higher the total score, the greater the impact of solving the issue/cause.

Organizations often want to understand the effects of their policies. But it might be difficult to do the right experiments (tax rebates for one group but not another). Or budgetary constraints can also prevent data gathering. You can find real life experiments that match what you are trying to measure for your problem. Someone else's data can sometimes answer your question.

#problemsolving

The Self-Driven Child by William Stixrud, Ned Johnson

💡Key takeaway💡

Loosen your grip, help your child make informed decisions on their own, be a role model with your habits.

💎 Key ideas💎

Having a sense of agency is the most important factor for our happiness and well-being. Children suffer from stress when they feel everything is out of their control. Constantly being told what to do, at home and school, causes children to suffer from anxiety and stress. It can impair brain development at the critical age of between 12 and 18. It is particularly prevalent in affluent households, with more pressure to achieve.

A lack of control also encourages children to push back. It's important for parents to let their children breathe. Forcing a child to sit down for homework tells him: you don't know what's best for you, but we do. Parents have to accept that their child's life is their own. You can instead ask: is their any assignment you need help with? Then your child will face the consequence of his own actions.

Parents think they know best, and end up making big, life-changing decisions for their children. To help the child, the parent can see herself as a consultant. Presenting all options, information, plus opinions and let the child make the right call. In a study, it showed that 14 year-old children would recommend the same decision as 19-21 year-olds. And 9 year-olds were not far off.

Today's technology has brought many ways for parents to be more anxious about their children (threats). And it spreads to their children. They can see our face and know something is up. They also think that it might be their fault. So you need to project calmness. Exercise regularly, get more sleep, yoga, learn to rationalize the worries you have about your children. We are living in the safest period in history.

Modern use of technology is transforming children’s brains. Video games can help develop multitasking skills. But being continuously plugged in lowers the regulation of impulsive urges and attention. They are also more sleep deprived, stressed out. Consider your own technology habits as your kids will follow your lead. Then talk openly about it with them, also set up technology free-times as a family.

Many kids aren’t ready for college. They might not feel responsible for their own lives yet, she doesn't have any true self-understanding (strengths, weaknesses, self-discipline). One way to prepare them is a gap year, or ask for a demonstration of readiness (run her own life for six months prior college: budgeting, managing time).

There are many different ways people can attain success and contribute to the world. Academic success is just one of them. We can all do something very well. Musical, visual, linguistic, emotional types of intelligence bring different aptitudes. Share your disappointments and twists in your life. Help them understand what they love the most.

#childdevelopment

Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn

💡Key takeaway💡

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can.

💎 Key ideas💎

Life is one moment, after another, and another, and another. To make the most of life, make the most of each moment. Our minds habitually wander into the past or the future. Though we feel calmer, more stable, happier when focused on the present. Take three raisins, observe the first closely, its look, its smell, how it feels. Then put it in your mouth and chew. Observe the taste, the feel in your mouth. Do it with deeper focus for the next three raisins.

At the end of the day, when your body stops doping, your mind does not get the memo. Meditate, try to be rather than do. Find physical stillness, seated is best. Straight back, aligned with neck and head. Relax your shoulders. Bring your focus to your breathing, everywhere in your body (lungs, nose, etc.). Allow your thoughts to pass through your mind, acknowledge them and release them. They don't define you or shape you, they are just passing.

Mindfulness is a muscle and meditation is your training. It's about cultivating a strong mind-body connection. Body-scan meditation: lie on your back, begin by focusing on your breath. Direct all your focus on the toes of your left foot (sensations). Study with non-judgmental awareness. Direct your breathing there. Then move up your body, region by region. Then turn your awareness to emotions and their body impact. Direct energy there.

Stress has tow factors: a stressor and a response. Stress happens to us but we produce our own stress response. We respond to acute short-term stressors with adrenaline (frustration, rage). For chronic long-term stressors we sink into overwhelmed, depressed feelings. We develop maladaptive automatic coping strategies like denial, workaholism, alcohol/drug dependency, etc. Which creates a vicious circle as our response is a stressor itself.

Practicing mindfulness allows you time and space to consider all potential responses to stressors. Next time you make a mistake, register your physical reaction (sweating, heart racing). Acknowledge these reactions without judgment. Do the same for your emotional reactions. Turn towards the stressor, place it in context (why the mistake, what consequences, how can you learn, how can you respond). You break the stress response cycle.

Pain is a teacher, it teaches us where our limits lie. It can be debilitating, costly, psychologically damaging. But you can manage it with mindfulness. Pai can be sensorial (physical), emotional, cognitive (thoughts about pain). Perform a body-scan meditation to access the pain. Invite it in. How is it in this moment? Accept it without anticipating it. Do the same for your emotional and cognitive pain. Let the thoughts pass. Your thoughts and feelings about the pain are not your pain.

If you're not feeling happy, what's holding you back from that happiness? It can be thought patterns from past emotional pain. Bring your focus to that experience, notice of these emotions ebb and flow, this pain is ever changing. They have a beginning and an end. They don't own you. It's the first step to letting them go.

When you are confronted with emotional pain, use mindfulness to break it down into a feeling and a problem. Let the feeling pass over you like a wave, no judgement. What can this feeling teach you? Next, sit with your problem, what can you do to alleviate it? Break it down. You can even choose to do nothing.

#mindfulness

A world without email by Cal Newport

💡Key takeaway💡

Emails are a gift and a curse. Learn tools to manage them and put them in their place (folder).

💎 Key ideas💎

Email leads to a hyperactive workflow which impedes productivity. Hyperactive hivemind workflow. One hour and 15 minutes of uninterrupted work per day in average. Prefrontal cortex is only able to focus on one thing at a time. We take longer to complete an activity than if with full focus.

No workplace truly benefits from a constant flow of emails. Whatever is the job, people need to have time to focus on the tasks at hand.

Email reduces job satisfaction and stresses us out. The longer people spend in email, the more stressed they are. Concept of predictable time off (PTO). Email hijacks the brain's innate desire for social connections.

Optimising your company's workflows boosts productivity and profits. Story of Ford T and assembly line as a way to get more productivity from resources. Capital resources had been replaced by attention resources. Marketing firm that moved to project based workflow.

Create better workflows for employees and yourself. Creative employees need autonomy as well as productivity. When changing a workflow, you tweak work execution or expectations. When changing work execution you need to involve all who are part of the process due to the locus of control. Make people generate their own ideas. You alter expectations with changing daily behaviors. A policy of email checking time needs to be backed by behaviors.

Clear, structured production processes. Production processes can be organized differently depending on the nature of the work in question. Highly structured work can be done through shared project tools (excel, basecamp, etc.). Low structured work can be arranged according to reserving calendar time for more variable tasks.

Choose the right coordination protocols by weighing their costs. Knowledge sector: cost of coordination can be measured by how it fragments attention: cognitive cycles. The other cost is inconvenience of the protocol. It’s important to ensure that your protocols strike the right balance between cognitive cycle and inconvenience costs.

Highly skilled workers shouldn’t get bogged down in the administrative weeds. Specialization principle: the concept that working on fewer things with a higher level of quality ultimately boosts productivity. Support staff is essential to help with specialisation. If you cannot do this then separate your time between specialist time and support.

Create non-personal email: based on a project of function so that removes pressure to answer .

#emailtips