Breaking the cycle.

In my last article I told you about the ups and downs I experienced in my life during the last four years and how it affected my mental health. 

One of the purposes of this article was to show others, who may be suffering in silence that they can turn their lives around from a very dark place to one of positivity, love, contribution and happiness.

So that last article, in some respects was WHO I am, next let’s talk about..WHY..

My why..

I will now tell you my why. Why I am here and why I do what I do.

My goal with this article is to raise awareness that abuse in any area of life is not acceptable and that you can transcend it and be happy and stress free.

Personally, as someone who was affected by abuse and bullying as a child, I grew up detesting abuse or bullying in any form. Now I see bullies and those who try to abuse others in business or in life with a sense of empathy, as they themselves are projecting deep inner sadness on to others.

I’m not in any way condoning bullying, simply reframing the discussion and adding some balance to the perspective.

In the beginning..

As a baby I was taken away from my mother due to abuse and neglect. Ultimately I never got the chance to reconnect with her, despite me having forgiven her. The truth is I was not able to face her and then it was too late. I believe both of us are now at peace with this. 

My mum suffered from mental illness and I now know had herself been subjected to physical and emotional abuse. This is what she knew and me in my innocence bore the brunt of this. I have healed from this and can now speak about it. I loved and still do love my mum, regardless of this, because what happened to her was not her fault. 

Abuse is never the victims fault. Abuse is defined as "to use (something) or someone to bad effect or for a bad purpose" - that in itself tells you that something is off if you are in business with someone you feel is abusing you!

My mum was a victim of generational trauma as well as abuse. Generational trauma can be passed down through a family and will continue to pass down until someone stands up and says: 

“no, this stops with me”. 

I did this recently and I can assure you it was not easy, however I spoke out and got support from professionals and my amazing coach. I broke the cycle and as hard as it was it was worth it, as I now understand so much more and can share this to help others.

Once again that fire of infinite awareness inside me burned deep and drove me on to stand up to generations of abuse and say "this stops with me".

Generational Trauma..

How can trauma be passed down from generation to generation?

I read an article which I will paraphrase here.

I don’t know if you know this but all the eggs a woman will carry during her life, form in her ovaries while she is a fetus in her own mums womb. So when your mum was in your grandmother’s womb, she carried, at that time, the egg that would in the end become you!

I find this literally mind blowing and amazing. As a father I marvel at the sheer miracle of childbirth and have so much respect for women.

So this means that a part of you, your mum, and your grandmother all shared the same biological conditions at the same time. So it could be said that you were exposed to the emotions and experiences of your grandmother even before you were conceived and it follows that she was exposed to the emotions and experiences of her grandmother.

I believe that we don't just inherit our skin colour, the colour of our eyes, or the lustre of our hair from our parents. We may also inherit our family's story, narrative, and views about life. I am reminded of a story some years ago where a heart transplant patient took on some of the personality traits of the donor and started writing beautiful songs. 

So it follows that memories or experiences, good and bad, can be passed down through our children.

The human body is an amazing piece of machinery, but it is the energy that animates it and contributes to society that is more amazing. 

So, where am I going with this?

Long story short?

Okay, so as part of my journey I came to realise that full alignment was required in all areas of my life and that was when it hit me.

For years I had struggled to break the trauma cycle in my life so my sons would be free of it, while at the same time I fought to restore balance to the industry I love. 

I failed repeatedly, to begin with and this was because I was not being true to myself. I had to face those demons to overcome them and most importantly I needed help to do it.

This was a revelation to me. The similarity between my work and life was mind blowing.

Here comes the good stuff

In my business, I was trying to break the cycle of the trauma caused by disputes for business owners, like me through no fault of theirs. 

To stand up to the corporate bullies was the same as me standing up to the thoughts that bullied me in life.

In order to change and grow I had to realise that they were only thoughts that my mind was using to sabotage my life, just the same as the thought so many contractor Directors have that this is just the way the industry is and abuse is just a part of life.

No, it is not. 

Life is meant to flow and be joyous, not the constant stress of disputes and non-payment. 

Disagreements are important, but deliberately fomenting disputes simply to get out of paying your supply chain is not acceptable to me and is, in my opinion a form of abuse. 

In order to change and grow in business the contractor Directors need to realise that they hold the key to change in the industry. It's simple - do not accept abuse, get help and support and stand your ground. Know your worth and do not settle for an abusive relationship, as it will never change until you leave it.

Life is not a movie, if you are facing a dispute or worse insolvency, you can’t expect someone to shout "cut" and you can try again, nope, it is too late then. What you can do now though is to ensure that you have a super hero who will protect you from the bullies. 

So who wants to help me break the cycle, or who out there needs help to break the cycle? I want to start a movement that changes the way we work forever. I want to indemnify happiness for everyone.

Thanks as always for your time in reading this article.

If you want to show your support, please do share or comment your thoughts on this topic.

Why the robin?

So why the robin redbreast? Because since my mum passed I have been visited almost daily by one and I believe that is my mums spirit coming to say hey son, hope you are well. 

About the Author..

I am first and foremost a human being who has witnessed and continues to witness the impact non and late payment has on the people I work with and advise. I say enough is enough, we need to change this and we need all sides to play fair. 

I have worked in the construction industry for 32 years, although I still look youthful according to my partner!! In that time, as a contractor and now as a dispute and contract coach who gets contractors paid what they are owed. I coach and advise to business leaders at all stages of the contract cycle from invitation to tender to final account and where necessary dispute resolution.

My goal is to stamp out bullying and restore balance to the industry, so that parties to a contract have mutual respect for each other and work collaboratively, as opposed to being adversarial. 

I offer coaching on business strategy, dispute avoidance, contract wording, interpretation, whether to take the contract or walk away and everything in between.

Get in touch or DM me with your email address and I will send you some information on how I can help you.

#indeminifyhappiness #projecthappiness #adr #adjudication #businesscoaching #disputeresolution #disputes #disputemanagement #mentalhealth #mindfulness