Build Trust and Reduce Conflict by Respecting Boundaries

Years ago, I showed up late to a coaching session. Not just, “oops, I hit every light on the way over, sorry I’m 4 minutes late,” late. I was, “OMG, I read my calendar wrong, plus I’m running around like a headless chicken, and oh yeah, I stopped for a bite to eat,” late. My coach called me out – nicely.

“You know, Sheryl, you have really thrown off my day. I had to rearrange my schedule for you and it shows a lack of respect for my time.”

I stood admonished.

Wherever you are on your boundary journey, now is a great time to look in the mirror.

Other People’s Boundaries

You’ve spent the last few days, weeks, months, or even years doing the inner work to believe you are worthy of boundaries, identifying your needs, creating your boundaries, communicating them to others, and upholding them when they are challenged. What you may not have done yet, is looked to see if you are a boundary offender.

Do you recognize and respect other people’s boundaries? Now’s a great time to do a boundary check-in and see if you are guilty of any of these boundary infractions. 

Being Late

If you’re like most people these days, your calendar is jam packed. Between work, family/friends, volunteer responsibilities, and well… life, you live a go-go-go existence. If one appointment shows up late, a coworker doesn’t have their piece of the project done on time, or someone attempts to push their meeting back by 15 minutes, your day will be officially hijacked. It’s frustrating when someone impacts your schedule, isn’t it?

You have the right to protect your time and your calendar.

And so does everyone else.

You’ve probably thrown someone’s day off at least once. You can be honest, we’ve all been there. You were so wrapped up in another call, you forgot to even text. Maybe you double-booked something and tried to reschedule a meeting for later in the day. Perhaps, you just spaced and missed an appointment all together.

Accidents and emergencies happen, however, if you want people to respect your time boundaries, you need to respect theirs. If you know you will be late, email or text with your ETA. If you are going to be more than 15 minutes late, accept that you may need to reschedule your meeting. It’s not fair to expect them to meet with you and delay the rest of their appointments (which causes a domino effect).

Denying People Their Feelings

My mom had a favorite line when I was growing up, “Don’t be mad at me.”

Rather than say, “I’m sorry I did ____,” she tried to invalidate my feelings. Purposefully? Doubtful. She didn’t realize what she was doing or that there was anything wrong with it. She was just repeating patterns she’d learned from her parents.

You are entitled to feel whatever it is you feel. Granted, you will be accountable to those feelings, but you have the right to feel anything you want.

And so does everyone else.

If you’ve made a mistake, rather than trying to smooth things over with a half-hearted “Don’t be mad at me,” apologize. Acknowledge that you’ve done something hurtful and that your actions have repercussions. Then… don’t do them again.

“Hey, I’m sorry I ____. I will be more careful in the future. I hope you will forgive me.” 

Touching People Who Don’t Want to Be Touched

There are germaphobes in this world. There are people who have experienced physical or sexual abuse and have lingering trauma. There are also people who just don’t like to be touched, and that’s okay too. You have the right to dictate how people interact with you physically.

And so does everyone else.

A few years ago (the tail end of COVID), I went to a conference. At check-in, they had three different colored lanyards to choose from. Green meant you were comfortable with hugging. Yellow meant a handshake was acceptable, and Red meant no touching. It was brilliant, and frankly, something we should adopt in more situations.

Before you throw yourself on someone, hugging them, grabbing their hand before they’ve extended it, or, (and I’m shaking my head as I type this), touching a pregnant woman’s belly, ASK! 

Interrupting

Maybe you’re running a meeting, chatting with someone one-on-one, or answering a question you’ve been asked. Isn’t it frustrating when you are in the middle of a sentence and someone interrupts you? It makes you feel like your knowledge and opinions are not valued. It’s rude, and it’s difficult to get back on track once you’ve been cut off. You have the right to express yourself, your thoughts, and your ideas without interruption.

And so does everyone else.

Think back to some of the conversations you’ve been a part of. Did you have something SO important to say that you just had to interject before the other person was finished? While they may have handled it with aplomb, they may have been seething on the inside. Put yourself in their shoes for a minute and recognize how frustrating the experience likely was for them. If you have a short memory or can’t focus on listening to the other person when you’ve got a thought bouncing around your head, keep a notepad handy and jot down your idea so you can come back to it when they are done speaking.

Ignoring Subtle Boundary Attempts

Have you ever tried to set a boundary, but been so wishy-washy, the other person didn’t get it? Years ago, I was asked to pick someone up for an association party. “Well, I mean, that’s really out of my way, and I’ll have to leave my afternoon plans early, and it would be a huge inconvenience for me. But I guess if you can’t find anyone else, I can do it.”

Do you think the guy that made the request heard anything more than, “I can do it?”

I don’t think so. I don’t even think he called anyone else to check. He heard me agree to it and felt his job was now done.

You have the right to say no to doing something.

And you guessed it… so does everyone else.

Early on in a boundary journey, we have a tendency to weaken our statements by explaining all the reasons we can’t do it, and then saying we will anyway. Use your boundary spidey sense to hear the meaning behind what’s coming out of someone else’s mouth and cut them a break.

“You know, I really appreciate you being willing to do this, but it sounds like it would be a major inconvenience for you. Why don’t I find someone else who can help me this time, and I’ll reach out the next time I need help."

Conclusion

Much like a rising tide lifts all boats, when one person gets better at setting and upholding boundaries, they can help others to do the same. No matter where you are on your boundary journey, now’s a great time to look at your own behavior and identify whether you are disrespecting someone else’s boundaries. If you are, apologize, learn from it, and do better next time.

Would your organization benefit from better boundaries?  Let's chat and see which one of my programs is the best fit.

About Sheryl Green

Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker and the author of "You Had Me At No: How Setting Healthy Boundaries Helps Banish Burnout, Repair Relationships, and Save Your Sanity." She works with individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve communication, banish burnout, and decrease turnover. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.

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