Build your empathy muscle for personal and professional success

You’re too sensitive

You’re too sensitive Katie. This is something that I’ve often heard in my career and at home. For many years I thought this was a weakness. Yet, as I’ve grown older, I’ve realised that this is actually my super power. Now, as a coach and a leader, I would proudly describe myself as an empath. I can feel everything. I can often sense what others are feeling without them telling me. I can be easily moved to tears or action by seeing experiences of strangers I have never, nor will ever meet. It can be exhausting, and strong feelings may need to be managed in certain situations. However, in general, I find empathy a critical skill to be effective in my work, both in and out of the boardroom.

This raises a question; is empathy a skill that can be learnt, or is it an innate human value that is either present or absent?

I believe that empathy can be both and more. It may be an inherent personality trait, a value, a state, and yes a skill that can honed. I like to think of it as an Empathy Muscle and just like any muscle, if we deliberately train and build it, it becomes bigger and stronger. Likewise, if we don’t use it, it will quickly waste away.

And what a waste! Now, more than ever, we all need a little more empathy. Let’s dig in to learn more.

Introducing Empathy

If I were to ask you to describe empathy, what would you say? I suspect, I’d get a variety of answers. In fact, even the academics have opted for broad definitions. For example, Nursing Scholar Theresa Wiseman defines empathy as including 4 main attributes;

1.     Perspective taking

2.     Staying out of judgement

3.     Recognising emotion in others

4.     Communicating back the emotion you see.

In doing so, Wiseman alludes to the importance of emotional intelligence, a related concept popularised by Daniel Goleman. Goleman himself has since provided a definition of empathy, aligning with Paul Ekman to offer a more encompassing view. Together they highlight not just the feelings associated, but the importance of taking action on said feelings. They identify 3 types of empathy: cognitive, emotional, and compassionate.

1.     Cognitive describes knowing how someone feels and recognising their emotions (as Wiseman describes above);

2.     Emotional describes attuning one’s own emotions to others (similarly to emotional intelligence),

3.     Compassionate describes being moved to take action (in this instance, compassion, usually a distinct sister concept to empathy, is treated as a subcomponent)

What empathy is not

Importantly, although sometimes confused, empathy is not sympathy or pity, both of which seek to create distance between yourself and the other person’s feelings or experiences. Academic and leadership expert Brené Brown, describes this as the opposite of empathy, which seeks to drive connection and a sense of being in emotion together.

Empathy is also not the same as being nice or agreeable. You can be tough in moments of empathy. You can disagree or challenge whilst in empathy. In fact, the presence of empathy may make it easier to do those things clearly, kindly and effectively.

Why Empathy matters

Whatever your personal definition of empathy, one thing is clear; empathy in abundance is better for all of us. According to researchers Peter Paul Zurek and Hubert Scheithauer, it offers a range of benefits such as enhancing subjective wellbeing and strengthening relationships as well as improving self-awareness, interpersonal decision making, ethical decision making, moral judgements and altruistic behaviour.

The empathy deficit and a fear of emotions

Despite the benefits of empathy, the statistics show we are in a deficit at home and at work. According to a study published in Personality and Social Psychology Review, empathy amongst American students fell by 48 percent between 1979 and 2009. It has been suggested this may be due to increasing materialism, differing parenting approaches, and digital echo chambers, in which people are exposed only to one (their own) point of view. In the workplace, The Trust Gap report reveals that 47 percent of employees have witnessed or experienced some form of discrimination which increases to a majority 70 percent for people of colour.

So what is needed? How can we become more comfortable embracing greater empathy?

Firstly, we must acknowledge that empathy isn’t always easy. It can mean getting up close and personal with someone else’s pain and holding it as our own. Typically as humans, we seek to avoid pain and sorrow, and often have a host of coping strategies (some helpful, many others less so) to deliberately avoid or reduce difficult feelings. Therefore, embracing empathy may mean re-wiring learned patterns of behaviour that have been active for years. Importantly, although a lack of empathy may protect us from pain, it also ‘protects’ us from connection and means we can miss out on the beauty of sharing such feelings as excitement, joy and hope.

You, empathy and the workplace

How comfortable are you with empathy?

Would you describe yourself as an empath?

When was the last time you even gave empathy a thought?

When was the last time you heard it mentioned in the workplace?

If you are an agile coach or product leader then I assume you mention empathy often. Within this concept, empathy is used to describe the critically important step of understanding your customers’ or users’ needs. Similarly, perhaps those of you working in marketing, especially using the principles of design thinking, refer to empathy in a similar way. Otherwise, I suspect you don’t hear it mentioned that often, especially in the workplace. Certainly I didn’t, in my 20 years in the corporate world, and if I did, I was usually the one mentioning it or seeking it out.

Sadly, leading empathically is not always without risk. For example, as a female leader, POC or LGBTQIA+ person, celebrating empathy can be stigmatised. Often incorrectly termed soft skills, feminine concepts such as empathy, curiosity, problem solving, collaboration etc. are critical human skills needed for every modern business. Unfortunately we still live with outdated definitions of leadership that predominantly focus on masculine qualities such as dominance, fear, and competition. Regardless of your gender identity, finding your own balance of both masculine and feminine leadership qualities will enable greater personal expression, authenticity and connection to others – resulting in enhanced business results. Perhaps if we treated empathy as a skill to be honed rather than an emotion to be feared or belittled, we might become less afraid of it, especially in the workplace.

Checking empathy privilege

Belittling or challenging the need for empathy may derive from a concept I’m terming as empathy privilege. This is where, either you don’t need as much empathy, or you naturally receive more empathy, based on certain unearned identities you inhabit. For example, if the world has been created with you (or people who look like you) in mind (typically white, middle class, male, cis gender, heterosexual, without a disability), perhaps you haven’t needed as much empathy from others. If the systems, structures, and organisations have been created for people like you, they are going to be much easier to navigate with far fewer challenges. Perhaps the greater number of normative identities you inhabit, then the smaller empathy deficit you feel. If so, as a first step, it’s up to you to extend greater empathy to those who do not benefit from your privilege, and need a little more. From there, you can begin a journey of allyship and action for equitable change.  

Empathy, connection and diversity

Crucially, empathy is at the heart of connection, and connection is at the heart of all relationships. This is equally true in the workplace where according to academics Jane E. Dutton and Belle Rose Ragins, relationship quality is critical to drive sustainable organisational performance and effective individual development. Even in an increasingly remote, automated and artificially intelligent world, there are very few roles today that do not require some form of connection to a stakeholder or colleague. The better we connect, the more effectively we collaborate and the further we go. Just as the proverb states, go fast, go alone; go far, go together.

In our increasingly diverse societies and workplaces this becomes even more important. We may not be able to immediately connect with someone’s experience, story or perspective, as it is so far from our own. According to Brené Brown, for true empathy we shouldn’t need to walk in someone else’s shoes. Instead we need to learn how to simply listen to and believe others even when their experiences do not match our own. Therefore it becomes even more important that we choose empathy by seeking to understand, make adaptations if needed, and experience things together. Only by beginning with empathy can we create safer and more inclusive workplaces and worlds.

Empathy in Action – start today

By reframing empathy as a critical leadership and workplace skill we can actively seek to increase it together. There are many ways to do this. Here are a few ideas to get you started.

• Dedicated empathy training – exploring the definition of empathy and inviting experimentation and measurement into your own empathy growth.
• Active listening – next time you have a conversation, rather than listening to respond, try listening for true understanding. It’s harder than you may first think, as we are not typically taught to do this.
• Travel and experience new cultures and different ways of living. Remind yourself that your reality is only one of many.
• Get curious. Approach new situations with openness and the acceptance of not knowing.
• Measure your empathy – derived from the study of Autism, the Empathy Quotient is the best known tool however many more can now be found online. If you’re serious about making any sort of change in your life then measuring your progress can be a key driver towards action and accountability.
• Connect to your authentic self. Slow down and recognise what makes you feel most alive and most grateful. If we are constantly in fight or flight, or in a performative role, it can be challenging to find true empathy for others. Instead, when we find greater alignment and clarity into our own wants and needs this can build a foundation from which to connect with others.
• Take someone’s perspective and fully immerse yourself – take your understanding to the next level by experiencing situations first-hand, either through roleplay or through VR experiences.
• Check in with your biases and seek to minimise them.

A final thought – remember our humanity

As humans, our DNA is 99.9% the same as any person next to us. Therefore, the next time you find yourself feeling distant, opposed or unsure of someone else, remember that we will always be more similar than we are different. We all face challenges, some many more than others, but in empathy we can find connection and common ground. We all need empathy and we all have the capacity to show it.

Let’s start today.

Together, let’s create empathic workplaces and societies for the benefit of all.

With love and empathy

Katie Ireland, CEO, Coach and Empath