Building and Sustaining Relationships as an Introvert

Some people by their nature prefer to be alone and for most introverts, our energies are drained when we engage in conversations and find ourselves in the midst of a crowd. Given the choice, we will rather be alone instead of having conversations, especially difficult ones or being in a crowd. I have learned and adapted to engaging in conversations out of necessity and after such conversations, it takes a while for me to re-energise. Engaging in conversations as introverts could be energy draining, but I have learned some coping mechanisms which have helped me over the years. 

Some people don’t believe it when I say I am an introvert because of my ability to connect with people and build relationships. There are people who blame their inability to connect with people and build relationships on being an introvert. That could be a hindrance to the extent that they have not learned and mastered the techniques and skills of starting and sustaining conversations. Lack of such skills could affect their career progression, making sales, building and sustaining relationships.

A lot has been written about this topic and in this article, I would like to share the characteristics, fears, limiting beliefs of introverts and give some tips on how to connect and get out of one’s comfort zone. Some of those skills I co-created with my coaching clients.

Key Characteristics of an Introvert

·      Preference for Solitude: Introverts often enjoy spending time alone or with a small group of close friends. The company of large group of people drains introverts.

·      Reflective and Thoughtful: They tend to be introspective, reflecting deeply on thoughts and experiences. Because they spend a lot of time in solitude, they do a lot of self-reflection.

·      Low Sensitivity to Rewards: Introverts may be less motivated by external rewards and more driven by internal goals and values. They prioritise self and close relationships over external incentives.

·      Need for Recharging: Social interactions, especially in large groups, can be draining for introverts, and they may need time alone to recharge. They prefer to spend time in solitude to recharge as a result.

Limiting beliefs of an introvert

1.    Born introvert

Biological factors associated with brain chemistry and neurotransmitter have been identified as responsible for this situation in some cases. The self-belief that one is born an introvert leads to us accepting our fate and blaming our failure to connect and have relationships on being an introvert. This is false, as everything in life can be learned when we are determined to break out of introvert shackles.

2.    Not good enough

We self-sabotage as introverts and some of our limiting beliefs are derived from our saboteurs, the biggest of which is our internal judge. As an introvert, my Judge saboteur keeps telling me that I am not good enough compared to other successful people, which is a lie when I realise how far I have come as a person and my contribution to the growth of others and benefit to society. For as long as you have this belief, it will be difficult for you to come out of your shell as an introvert.  

3.    Religious beliefs

Some of the religious leaders do not encourage having intellectual religious conversations, which impact our ability to start useful conversations out of fear of not knowing how such conversations will end. This self-imposed limitation tends to affect our ability to start and engage in conversations.

4.    Upbringing

Limited interaction with other children while growing up could also be responsible for our inability to connect with other people. Because of this situation, introverts claim they are unable to develop social skills needed for social interaction early. This is a limiting belief. The good news is that these skills can be learned.

5.    Environmental factors

Social and cultural influences could also affect our ability to connect with other people. The way individuals socialise, including their interactions with other people and the expectations placed upon them, could influence their introversion.

How to start a conversation and connect as an introvert

As an introvert, you should not be everything to everyone, which requires that you identify your stakeholders. Understand their personality and interest if possible. Once you have identified the stakeholders you are trying to connect with, below are some of the tips to start a conversation before you can redirect the conversation to the outcome you want:

1.    Research into the person you are trying to connect with.

It is important you know the person you are trying to connect with, their interests, likes and dislikes so that you don’t start on the wrong footing.

2.    Identify common interests

After the identification of their interests, decide on one area based on which you are comfortable starting the conversation. It could be in the areas of sports, culture, arts, politics, profession and common personal experiences. For instance, if they are sports enthusiast, what type of sport and which club or individuals do they support?  Be authentic in your conversation.

3.    Current affairs

The current happening in the socio-political environment could be a good place to start. For instance, it could be a conversation around elections or economic situation in your country.

4.    Dressing

Complimenting the other on their dressing with special emphases on what stands out in their dressing could be a way to start a conversation. For instance, those are nice shoes or dress! I am an Apple products fan as an example and could have a comfortable discussion about their products and their next releases.

5.    Current and up-coming projects and activities

Current and up-coming events in your area or organisation could be a good starting point. If you are working on a project in an organisation that could be of interest to the stakeholder, it could form the basis of starting a conversation around how you could support and the value you could add to the project.

6.    School attended

It is a good place to start if you attended the same school or a school with similar curriculum. Sharing your experience and inviting the stakeholder to share could be helpful.

Following the above techniques could help you to get out of your shell as an introvert.

Abas Alhassan is a leadership and Executive

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