Bullied after Suicide

Once, I was asked to photograph a young, black college student’s funeral. When the church was full, the officiants walked in. The choir sang, followed by scripture reading, then the prayer. With sniffles echoing, the eulogist began the homily. As I walked around capturing that despondent ritual, the eulogist captured my attention when he stated “suicide is a coward act that prevents people [this young man] from entering the gates of heaven.”

As a psychologist, it was difficult to digest that message, ridiculing the result of excruciating mental pain with a religious construct. While the audience groaned, I quietly questioned, how does one denigrate a dead person at his funeral, finding him weak for succumbing to suicidal ideation?

Although on photography duty, I couldn't help feeling sorry for the mourning family subjected to such assessment of that tragedy. And I wondered if the eulogist had been there for that young man while he was alive.

We have created various taglines for life:

• Life is hard.
• Life is short.
• Life is good.
• Life is a gift.
• Life is beautiful.
• Life goes on.
• Indeed, life is really about finding meaning to everything, including the pain and suffering. But sometimes, we analyze moments to determine whether LIFE is worth living or not. Someone who understands life’s purpose might be able to argue with suicidal thoughts, of which two are certain:
• Death is inevitable.
• No one truly knows what happens after death. Fables aside, no one has completely died
• and returned to testify about the process.
• The latter is the most critical when considering people who choose to harm themselves hoping to end their physical lives. It is distressing to understand that one would review the options in his mind and find no plausible solution, except to stop living, especially since we claim that there is a solution to every problem. Yet going to that distance also reveals the degree to which a suicided victim suffered. It hints that living was so overwhelmingly painful that he would rather go blindly into uncharted territory, and die, instead of staying alive. So, to think or say a victim is a coward or weak-minded is a miscalculated judgement. When people experience mental imbalance, the mind searches for answers before it resorts to suicide. The questions are,
• Where were all the people who showed up at the funeral?
• Did anyone know or care about that young man’s daily struggle?
• Did any family member take him seriously?
• Did anyone see him?
• Suicide can affect anyone. A seemingly healthy, funny, wealthy person may become overwhelmingly distressed one day and take his or her life that day. Whereas a homeless man on the freezing pavement may find life too meaningful to even entertain suicidal thoughts. What matters most is our mindset. Some people struggle with mental health disorders that push them over the edge. Some may talk about it while others prefer to keep it all inside, fearing ridicule. I opine that whatever the reported suicidal ideation statistics, we may double it, for many refrain from reporting the same.
• Suicide is disheartening to the living. Not only to grieving loved ones, but for everyone who has

learned of it. I believe it is demoralizing that even with all the accessible help, hotlines, circles and communities, people still choose death over life. It begs the questions: how does one find living with us worse than dying alone? Why are we so ineffective at preventing such tragic endings?

To those who are quick to pull out an all-black outfit for the funerals, quick to post sympathetic messages on social media, quick to judge, I say, be present in all your relationships. Even if it’s the stranger who wants to talk about his grief, or the new mother struggling with post-partem depression, or your own spouse, sibling, parents, friends, acquaintances, be there and listen to them! You are one of the keys to saving your loved ones and strangers from suicide. In fact, you may need someone to be there for you too at some point. It is not enough to say, “I hear you.” Or “It’s going to be ok.” Or “God will take care of it.” Or “I will pray for you.” Or “Pray about it.” It is not enough to patch the sentiments, all of us must act. As the saying goes “Action speaks louder than words.” Recognize that you, all of us, are literally standing between life and death. If you hear something, say something about getting professional help. Refer people to trained therapists who can effectively help. Carry the suicide hotline numbers with you at all times. In fact, stand there while they dial the number. All of us are part of the solution.

If you are looking for help, go to www.osscare.com and click on the resources tab.

OSS Care is a tele-psychology practice offering professional help to all who feel burdened and overwhelmed with life. Find your balance and achieve wellness here. Healthy Mind, Healthy You!