Burning yourself out has nothing to do with being tired.

"I have been working so hard lately I feel like I am getting burned out."

I have heard this phrase so many times and while I know the people just say that to emphasize how much they work, it is a bit condescending to people that actually have burnt themselves out.

This is not surprising, because we tend to do that all the time. How many times have you not heard people say that they feel like they have PTSD, or that something hurt as much as giving birth?

We constantly seem to belittle conditions that we can't comprehend. Not even with the greatest of imaginations can a man understand what it feels like to give birth. Similarly, there is no way for anyone to understand what it feels like to suffer from PTSD or being what we refer to as being burned out.

As someone who suffered over a year in my youth from being burned out, I can tell you that it is not being tired. I walked until I passed out when I did my military service, and I have juggled massive programs that turned my brain into mush due to all the content switching.

None of that compares to the paralyzing feeling of being burned out because that has nothing to do with being tired or exhausted. It is a feeling of every small activity feeling insurmountable and causing panic attacks.

Because of the way our society is built on top of extrovert behavior, this becomes increasingly difficult to handle as we feel the pressure to "shake it off" or to be social regardless of how we feel. This not only aggravate the problem, but it prolongs it as well.

How do you know if you are burned out, or risk being burned out?

This is different for every person, but for me, it started with me sleeping a lot more than I usually do. I had a hard time enjoying things I normally enjoyed and unlike the feeling of being depressed where you feel the need to withdraw inside yourself, I started to feel hollow.

My days felt blurry, and I started to feel like I was watching myself from the outside, having a hard time feeling connected to what I was doing. I felt numb and like you get the sensation of being warm when you are about to freeze to death, I started to work even more and almost made it a point to take that to the extreme.

When I crashed, I could not get out of bed. It was not that I did not want to, or was too tired to get out. I simply could not get out of bed. The Paralysis was so severe that even trying to explain why I could not get out of bed was too much to bear. I was completely paralyzed and trapped within my own mind.

How do you deal with being burned out?

Again, everyone is different, and I am no expert, so if you get burned out you need to seek help. It will be the most difficult thing you ever will have done because everything in you will resist contacting anyone, and you will want to be left alone.

But you must do it.

The reason for that is that you are in risk when you get burned out. If you have any underlying mental conditions or if you have depression or anxiety at the same time, this could lead you down very dark paths. Even if you do not feel that you matter at that moment, you do.

The thing you must remember about being burned out is that any form of "must", regardless if it comes from others or yourself, will cripple you. If you feel the social pressure to participate in social events, this will make your life very difficult. This is where it is good if you have help so you feel that it is ok to say no.

Many of us feel that when we are hurt, we must make a plan to get better, so we set up goals to eat better, exercise, spend more time outdoors and so on.

Don't do that.

Anything that you set up that act as requirements or must, will hurt you. All those things are great, but do not set up expectations on when and how to do them, do them when you feel good about doing them.

Avoid anything that could lead to a sense of failure is usually a good starting point, at least in the beginning. Focus on just trying to center yourself at the moment and do what your mind can handle at that very moment. Don't push yourself, just allow yourself to slow down and heal.

How can you help someone that is burned out?

The short answer is that you can't. No amount of compassion or good intention can help someone that is burned out. Just let them know that you are there if they need you, and then leave them alone.

As a parent, a child, relative or close friend this is extremely difficult because we want to help those close to us that suffer. But as being burned out is not the case of someone depleting their internal battery so they need an energy boost to get back on their feet, but rather the case of the battery being broken and needing to be replaced, the social interaction alone can be too much to manage.

If you want to socialize with someone that is burned out, then know that it is very difficult for someone to say no. There is a stigma in our society for wanting, or even needing, to be alone. We call that being anti-social, which is not true of course, but because of this we unintentionally put pressure on people to socialize. Introverts know this from every day life, but for people that are burned out, this in amplified beyond measure.

Should you schedule a meeting with someone that is burned out, preferable after the person is starting to get a bit better, then here are some tips for you to make that experience as good as possible.

1. Tell the person that at any time between when you decide to meet and until you actually meet, it is perfectly ok to cancel the meeting. No questions asked, no follow up. Let the person that is burned out decide when to reach out again, and you will never even mention the meeting again. This takes away the pressure of social obligation.
2. When you are meeting, make sure the person know that they can leave at any time without ever being questioned. Just stand up and walk away if they feel panic or anxiety. Just say nothing and let them walk away, and then let them reach out to you when they are able to.
3. Don't ask them how they are doing or plan things with them. They are tired of being asked, and they don't want to dwell on how they feel, they want to meet you and think of other things. Even noncommittal plans like "we should do x when you feel better" add pressure and can lead to worsening the condition.

Why do you get burned out, and how can you prevent it?

Again, I am no expert, so I can only speak for my own experience. For me, it was a combination of uncertainty and not enough time to recover. I worked as a personal assistant and my schedule was that I worked two days and then had two days off. I also never knew when my day ended, since that depended on when the person I worked for wanted to go to bed. As a result, it caused me stress and the two days off was not enough for me to recover from this.

I have seen this in other people as well. The stress of the work has been so high that eventually they drowned even when they worked at home as well, long after their daily work was over.

I have seen people passed out in meetings, one person sat down after lunch to catch their breath and was taken away with an ambulance. These are people that it is very easy to see that they have been burned out, but those are just the tip of the iceberg.

In most people, you will not even notice that they are getting burned out, and in some cases they don't even know it themselves. Some know, but they don't say anything. It can be out of pride, out of fear to lose their job, or social stigma that they don't feel they can say so without being "anti-social".

So anytime you see someone becoming more silent, more withdrawn or if you get that feeling that they are not themselves and more hollow... Ask them if they are ok.

I remember working at a multinational company, being in charge of both a multinational rollout and a development team, and someone that was sitting in the same space asked me that simple question. When I asked why that person asked that, he simply replied that I was not as funny and did not joke as much anymore. Other concurred and even though I ensured that I was ok, I realized I was not.

Fortunately for me, I just told my bosses this, and they dropped everything and told me to stay home and rest. Not everyone have amazing bosses like that, but for me that probably saved my from a second burn out because one person asked that very simple question.

Another time I was the one that asked the question. I had a colleague that was in charge of merging IT as the company I worked for was purchased by another company. He was doing this on his own and as exceptionally skilled as he is, this was a way too big task for anyone to manage on their own.

When I came to the office, I could see that he was not ok from body language alone. When I asked him if he was ok, he smiled and said yes, but the smile was not reflected in his eyes and the smile did not go the whole way.

I went to my bosses and told them that the person was not ok and that I would send him home. They were of course also super busy with the merger, and I could tell how bad they felt about failing to see that this person was not ok.

So it is important to know that even amazing people can fail to see the signs if they too are stretched thin.

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In a world that is moving faster every day and where information is threatening to overload us, I can only hope that you can find a moment from time to time to ask yourself and those around you that simple question:

Are you ok?