Busting the Myths Around Introversion

“Most introverts are quiet because they are scared of people judging them.”

“Sometimes it’s hard to find someone who truly understands the joys and challenges of being an introvert.”

“As an introvert, how hard is it to be in a relationship?”

I’m reading my latest Facebook group postings in the forum “Being Introvert.”  As a longtime user of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), these sorts of things fascinate me.  Most of the people in this group look at introversion as if it’s a disease or condition.  Those who don’t have it think it’s strange.  Those who have it think there’s something wrong with them.

I didn’t officially discover my preference for introversion in 1998 while reading the book Please Understand Mein preparation for a job interview.  The book had a sample MBTI in the back, and I took it, revealing I’m Myers-Briggs Type INFP, that’s Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Perceiving.  But the “I” was the biggest surprise.

From a young age, I was always attracted to solitary activities like reading and model-building.  My parents thought I was shy, and truthfully, I probably was a bit withdrawn.  Maybe it was because I didn’t care for school.  Once my little brother was a little older, we discovered he was “hyper,” which is what the doctor’s said.  We now know that as ADHD.  My brother was a loud pain in the ass.  Probably another reason I liked my solitude.

My bedroom became my sanctuary.  I would put on the radio, close the door, and work on models for hours at a time.  If I could have, I’d have comfortably lived the rest of my life behind that closed door.

By the time I got to high school, I felt like I was a little bit more outgoing.  Then I met my future ex-wife at the age of 16.  She was extraverted off the chain.  I honestly felt uncomfortable with all her energy, but she was gorgeous, so I overlooked it.  Besides, I thought, it’s probably good I found someone who can help me get out of my shell.

As I moved into my mid-20s, I felt the need to disconnect from people quite a bit more.  As a dental assistant, I had to talk to people all day long.  My wife on the other hand needed social stimulation.  It was most evident on long car rides.

Me, driving with my 1,000-yard stare, mind flowing with creative ideas.

“Hey,” she says, interrupting my thoughts, “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, why,” I reply.

“Well, you’re really quiet.  Are you mad?”

“No, I’m just thinking.”

“What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing, just random thoughts.”  I feel myself getting a bit exasperated.

“Well, you can’t just think about nothing.

“No, there really isn’t anything, just random thoughts!”

“Do you want to play a game?”

“No!”  Now I’m getting irritated.  And this happens all the time.

When we divorce in 1991, I feel a sense of peace.  Now I live alone, but I don’t feel alone at all.  It’s almost as if I’m re-introduced to myself.  I’m not the slightest bit lonely and lean into the solitude.

It’s not until 2001 that I take the MBTI qualifying workshop and get the straight scoop on what it means to be an introvert.  And now everything makes sense.  Here’s what you need to know if you think you might be introverted, or more importantly, in a relationship with someone who is.

There is no such thing as an introvert.  People have a preference for introversion.

Yeah, this is just wordsmithing, but it’s important to note.  Having a “preference” for something means you can do the opposite.  It might be awkward or uncomfortable, but always possible, and sometimes expected.  I prefer eggs and bacon for breakfast.  My wife prefers oatmeal.  But I don’t call her “oatmeal,” I say she has a preference for oatmeal.  We are not what we eat or behave like.

Introversion is all about energy.

So is its opposite: extraversion.  Those with a preference for introversion are most energized in situations where peace and quiet exist.  This is why I prefer to take long car rides either alone or in silence.  The 10-hour drive we did to Dallas for Thanksgiving flew by.  And when we arrived, I felt energized, albeit sore from sitting so long.

This is why parties are exhausting for those who have a preference for introversion.  It’s not that we’re shy, even though some of us might be.  It just takes a lot of energy.  And if we work the room with you, expect us to need lots of quiet when the party is over.

Introverts think to speak. Extraverts speak to think.

You’re in an endless meeting.  A few people seem to dominate the conversation don’t they?  If you have a preference for introversion, this is agonizing isn’t it?  If it seems as though some people talk just to hear the sound of their own voice, it might mean they have a preference for extraversion.  Extraverts must speak to think.  When they repeat what someone just said, it’s their way of reflecting on it, but they must open their mouth.

On the other hand, those with the preference for introversion will think to speak.  This often means we are accused of tuning out since we’re not “participating” like everyone else is.

But trust me.  If the subject is interesting, we are absolutely tuned in.

And when we finally make a comment, the room goes silent.  For just a brief moment.  Then, the extraverts will repeat what we just said (remember, this is how they “think”) and the madness continues.

Introverts are good listeners (and extraverts are great speakers)

If you have a preference for introversion, you likely have lots of extraverted friends.  They love you because you’re like the wall they bounce the tennis ball against.  It appears we are wonderful listeners.

It’s not always true.

For those of us who prefer introversion, our mind is a busy cacophony of thoughts and ideas.  It’s like a loud, action-packed, mass of randomness.  And we can stay in this world for a long, long time.

So, while you’re talking to us, ignorant of the fact we might not find your subject all that interesting, our minds might begin to wander.  And even though it looks like we are tuned in, we are likely hundreds of miles away processing random ideas, interesting stories, etc.

But in the world of extraversion, the talkers are simply doing what makes them feel better.  Talking out ideas and thoughts is how they process.  And as oblivious as they are to us tuning them out, they are often just as oblivious to the fact their talking could be done to an inanimate object.

So no, introverts aren’t all great listeners.  And extraverts are not all great speakers.  This is all about energy.

You are not limited by your preference

The beauty of Type is that it just identifies our preferences.  We aren’t chained down by them.  In fact, the goal is to work beyond your preference to build relationships with others.  If you have a preference for introversion, realize that any career is open to you.  As a management consultant and workshop facilitator, exhaustion is real.  If I’m in front of an audience all day, you’ll never know my preference.  I’m on stage and I play the part.

But when the workshop is over, I need silence.  Often if I’m on the road, I go to a restaurant, order some food and alcohol, and sit in silence for an hour or so. Just letting my batteries recharge.

On the other hand, if you have that preference for extraversion, be sure to build in time to recharge your batteries as well.  Join a club or take dance lessons or volunteer around people.  Especially if you work remote and feel the need for human connection.

We are all gifted for great things.  We all have special powers, and superpowers.  Self-reflection and self-awareness are the best tools to discover them.