Carrying grudge

Carrying grudge


It seems that there are always good reasons to unleash resentment, this mixture of anger and outrage, and to push it to the very thin border of hatred.

It could be a wrong we have suffered. A wound that we did not expect. A latent sense of envy for those who have achieved unexpected results, which we have not even managed to touch. Or still an inferiority complex compared to those who manage to arouse empathy and admiration, without even trying too hard, almost in a natural, instinctive way. The expansion of a regret, much more painful than nostalgia, for what we could do and didn't do.

We won't be proud of it, but it's happened to everyone in life to bear a grudge for the most disparate reasons.

Only that this feeling damages ourselves in the first place, not the object of this emotion, which is why it is important to understand it in order to be able to eradicate it and be able to get better.

Those who are resentful encounter great difficulty in growing on a personal level because their self-awareness is clouded by the excessive value attributed to the judgment of others.

So, managing this feeling becomes difficult if we don't frame the criticism by giving it as objective a weight as possible.

Holding a grudge against someone is a symptom of insecurity: when we take offense for a criticism and can't overcome the resentment for what has been insinuated, the cause is within us. To shield yourself against criticism you need a certain inner strength that draws on self-awareness and self-esteem. Consequently it is essential for our well-being to carefully evaluate where the criticism comes from and on what basis it is moved.

Bearing a grudge is sometimes the result of events that have conditioned us in the past and to which we have attributed a very important meaning. Even in these cases, however, it is possible to work on ourselves and on our self-esteem in order not to hold a grudge, making sure that the initial high perception of the wrong suffered is reduced.

When we try to understand how to overcome resentment, a very important factor is the correct evaluation of each element that created this situation. In particular, when we try to establish the weight of a past event or the origin of a criticism it is useful to contextualize what happened: sometimes people express opinions based on their knowledge, or worse, impressions or hearsay.

Such alleged knowledge is not necessarily valid, objective and realistic, often derives from unconscious distortions of reality, or (inadvertently or deliberately) transmitted from one person to another through kinship, friendship, associates, etc.

The work on ourselves to untangle the tangle of feelings, perceptions, conditioning is certainly complex, sometimes long, but it is essential to be able to overcome resentment, reach a level of well-being and also discover that there is nothing useful in this feeling : resentment eliminates our ability to express doubts, to question our ideas and our points of view.

In one fell swoop we barricade ourselves within certain certainties, including the most miserable. We no longer accept questions, doubts. And we risk, in intolerance, not understanding the meaning of life, the cardinal points of being in the world, the vital fabric of relationships. The reality of things escapes us, we become unreasonable, and only what matters is what we see through the horizon of our navel.

Reconciliation is, certainly, the most significant tool for overcoming this hateful feeling, which often ruins even family relationships: reconciling is something different from forgiveness, and if you like, it's also a lighter attitude. It is about weighing the different factors in the field. On the one hand we have the loss of a relationship and an inner malaise, both under the common sign of resentment. On the other hand, there is the offense and/or the wrong suffered. If we reflect, we could discover a clear disproportion between these two factors, and then it means that the time has come to take the right step towards reconciliation.

Jonathan Solomon

Advisor/Consultant - International Business Development

1y

Aldo Delli Paoli, thank you for you sharing your insights. .. oh, the very thought of carrying a “grudge” is sooo very tiring and the burden is just not worth the related suffering. I am reminded of the following : “Let today be the day you finally release yourself from the imprisonment of past grudges and anger. Simplify your life. Let go of the poisonous past and live the abundantly beautiful present... today.” ― Steve Maraboli. “To be wronged is nothing, unless you continue to remember it.” ― Confucius “A life lived without forgiveness is a prison.” ― William Arthur Ward “If we think of our life as a journey [...] we don't want to move into our future lugging along the heavy baggage of our past. One way to lighten the load is to work on forgiveness and acceptance.” ― Sonia Choquette.

Ali Anani, PhD

Columnist at BIZCATALYST 360

1y

Excellent article Aldo Delli Paoli and well-written. Grudge needs fuel to keep burning. If not, it starts to self-burn till it extinguishes. Grudge is the fuel that keeps the fire burning. Like you said, self-awareness and self-esteem require from us to understand the reason why we hate someone. Hatred hurts the haters and this awareness calls for avoidiing reaching this stage. Like the methods and suggestions that you presented so as not to reach this stage.

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