The Chameleon Within - Embracing Every Layer of Who We Are

Do you ever feel like you’re living in someone else’s skin?

Like no matter what you do, it’s never quite the “real you”? I’ve met so many women who feel this way—torn between who they are, who they think they should be, and who the world tells them to be. And they hear the same advice over and over: “Just be yourself.”

But what if years of adapting to different expectations, environments, and social norms have left you wondering: Who am I, really?

This I believe: who we are isn’t a single, unchanging identity. It’s the sum of all the places we’ve been, all the lessons we’ve learned, and all the ways we’ve grown.

This I believe.

NPR once started a series by that name, asking people to distill their deepest convictions into simple truths. I’ve always wondered—what do I believe?

What could I stand behind with the kind of conviction that doesn’t shake, even when the ground beneath you does?

While so many tell you to “just be who you are,” the layers of social conditioning, life changes, and the environments you navigate can shape and shift you in ways you don’t even notice. I’ve wrestled with that phrase—be who you are—for much of my life, especially after years of adapting to wildly different social worlds. It left me wondering: Who am I, really?

Growing up in the jungle, I thought I knew.

I was the kid who climbed caught geckos, climbed Krishnasura trees barefoot, chased frogs, and warded off Muniya, our pet monkey from destroying the living room furniture!

My father, an officer in the Indian Police Force, was regularly transferred to remote areas where he was tasked with establishing law and order. These assignments usually lasted a year or two, and with each transfer came a new home, a new school, and a new way of life. This was simply the norm for us.

Every time we moved, I and my sister were uprooted and replanted in unfamiliar soil. New friends, new teachers, and new languages became a recurring part of our lives. We would walk into schools where the mainstream languages of English and Hindi were rarely spoken, so soon we’d be chatting away in the local dialect.

We observed, mimicked, and adapted!

Sometimes it was helping classmates climb trees to knock down tamarinds for lunch, other times joining the local children in after-school games. There was no time to think about whether we stood out; the goal was to blend in quickly and carve out a small space for ourselves in the rhythm of local life.

Then came boarding school, and everything changed.

The jungle I left behind was one of banyan trees, mangoes, and muddy roads. It was a world where life felt organic and unpolished, where the biggest social events were chasing Muniya the monkey or gathering tamarinds with friends. But the jungle I entered at boarding school was nothing like that. It was glossy, competitive, and ruled by unwritten rules that everyone but me seemed to understand instinctively.

My frilly dress, which I had so carefully chosen, was met with thinly veiled smirks and whispered commentary that I wasn’t meant to hear—though I always did. My hair, cropped short in an uneven “boys” cut courtesy of a well-meaning village barber, was declared “wrong” the moment I stepped onto campus. And my growing unibrow...well let's just leave that for another day!

I thought my ability to speak English would help me fit in, but even that felt alien here. I didn’t know the right slang. I had no idea what made Levis better than the no-name jeans from the bazaar back home. The moment I asked that question - I had signed my social death warrant!

Living in boarding school was a whole new test of endurance because there was no escape. The school bell didn’t signal the end of the day; it was merely a transition to the dorms, where whispers turned to giggles and judgment followed you even as you tried to fall asleep. You couldn’t go home to the comfort of familiarity. You were stuck, constantly on display, constantly reminded of how you didn’t belong.

I felt the weight of every sneer, every laugh that stopped just as I entered a room, every subtle exclusion that screamed louder than words. I had never felt so alien in my life.

Surviving this new jungle was going to take monumental adaptation. And so, I prepared to adapt like I always had, but this time, the stakes felt impossibly high.

Every day seemed like an uphill battle to prove I belonged—or at least to avoid standing out. But as overwhelming as it was, there was one thing I knew for sure: I had faced unfamiliar jungles before. Whether it was learning new dialects, climbing mango trees to trade fruit with classmates, or blending into a village school, survival was in my DNA. I just needed to figure out the rules of this new jungle.

So, I began to do what I had always done - observe, adapt, and survive.

By the end of the first term, I could argue convincingly over whether Maybelline or L’Oréal had the better mascara. My hair now had a more acceptable cut - not quite glamorous but more tolerable! I even figured out how to insert myself into conversations about hip bands, pretending to care about whether Nick or Brian was the better Backstreet Boy!

Yet, with every new adaptation, the question tugged at me - who was I becoming?

Then came my life in the United States. A whole new chapter of adaptation. My college years in the Bootheel of Missouri brought their own challenges and transformations. The vocabulary was different, and so was the culture.

I adjusted to the bitter cold winters, where even stepping outside felt like a challenge, and the endless miles of flat farmland, a stark contrast to the towering banyan trees of my childhood. I learned to navigate small-town traditions, southern hospitality, and an entirely new way of looking at the world.

Just like in the jungle and at boarding school, I adapted. I embraced layers of clothing, cornbread, and sweet tea. I shared my “exotic” stories of guava trees and Muniya, our short term pet monkey, once again transforming them into bridges between our worlds.

Looking back, it’s clear to me that I’ve never had the luxury of simply “being myself” as so many advise. I’ve been shaped, molded, and remade by every environment I’ve walked into.

When someone tells me, “Just be you,” I often wonder—where is that “me” they’re talking about? For years, I agonized over this, thinking I had to strip away all these layers to find the “real” me underneath. But these days I understand - the real me is a chameleon. My identity isn’t confined to one version—it’s a patchwork of all the places I’ve been, all the people I’ve met, and all the ways I’ve learned to thrive.

And that, I’ve realized, is more than enough.

If you’ve ever felt caught between worlds or unsure of who you’re “supposed” to be, know this: your layers are your strength. The experiences that shape you don’t take away from your authenticity—they add to it.

I work with so many women who struggle with their identity and confidence, caught in a tug-of-war between who they are, who they think they should be, and who the world wants them to be. They hear the popular advice to “just be yourself,” but sometimes that advice doesn’t quite apply—or at least, it needs a side order of maybe the layers are just fine.

The truth is, the layers we’ve built, the skills we’ve learned, and the adaptations we’ve made are not weaknesses. They’re proof of resilience and the ability to thrive in any environment. Instead of peeling those layers away, we need to celebrate them. They tell the story of who we are.

So, if you’ve felt like you don’t belong, or like you’re losing yourself in the process of adapting, remind yourself of this - the real you is not something you need to find or rediscover. It’s already there, in every adjustment you’ve made, every strength you’ve developed, and every way you’ve grown.

You are more than enough, exactly as you are.

And maybe the secret isn’t in stripping those layers away. Maybe it’s in learning to wear them proudly.

Dorothy Mashburn is on a mission to empower women of color (and allies!) to steer their career journey and confidently negotiate their value. She can be reached here.

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