Children, Parenting, and the Screen

A look at the relationship between parent, child, and the understood self as affected by screens

Andrew Edmunds, LPCC, ACS

Taylor McCarrey, MA, LMHC, LPC

March 7, 2020

Introduction

In the modern age, it is simply not possible to escape the ever-present glow of screens, be it through our computers, phones, or televisions. One of the great challenges to any parent is guiding their children through our current society to become a fully realized human being, possessed of empathy and grit. As such, the role of technology and its usage becomes an important topic to understand. In this study, we examined the relationship between children and their parents/caretakers, paying special attention to how technology and the restrictions around usage inform it. We also looked at the ways parents and children come to know themselves and the world through the lens of a technological society, as well as how the use of technology informs a parent’s experience of themselves, both as caregivers and people . Lastly, we explored with our subjects the potential risks involved in utilizing “screens” and their potential social effects.

Television was introduced to the public following WWII and it served as a mass medium for sharing information about the state of conflict to the average American citizen. Since its inception it has played a pivotal role in socialization and, according to a 2016 article by the Washington Post, there are more TV’s (338 million) than people (323 million) in the US (Mooney, 2016). As responsible parents, it is important to consider the potentially negative biological, relational, and social effects of television on our children while providing opportunities to foster trust in parent/child relationships by allowing them a “normal” experience with predictable access.

Since the adoption of television in the average American home, advancing technology has further complicated the challenges of managing “screens” in the family construct with the inception of computers, video games, and smart cellular phones. Video games, computers (both personal and family), and cell phones have only been around in daily life for at most 50 years, and even then, the nearly universal experience of having access to screens really wasn’t present until internet services increased computer presence in homes in the mid 90’s. As a result, we have limited information about the potential pitfalls of long-term use. Video games were proclaimed to “rot your brain,” similar to research on television (Takeuchi et al., 2015) (Hammer & Smith, 2018), indicating that its use kills brain cells. To the chagrin of concerned parents, arcades sprouted across the US and in the 80’s they became a beacon for teenage comradery. Today, approximately 2.2 billion people in the world consider themselves “gamers”, making video games a significant presence in the world, even if only as something to be aware of in those who don’t play them. Similarly, cell phones and computers have become a mainstream item for all ages both professionally and personally . Some research has touted the potential negative effects the electromagnetic radiation cell phones emit as dangerous (Linet & Inskip, 2010). More concerning to society has been the evolution of the internet and the development of “smartphones”, with the accompanying risks associated with access. These devices have only become available this century, leaving the proverbial wheel of appropriate use and long-term planning yet to be invented. Sex trafficking, pornography, and violence, among others, are all readily available to everyone online, leaving parent’s and caretakers with the grave responsibility of navigating with their children through an advancing technological world that they were not born into but their children were.

While working at The Settlement Home for Children, a residential treatment center serving adolescents and youth, it became clear that the aforementioned electronic devices needed to be monitored closely by the adults to ensure the safety of the residents and mitigate risks involved in their use. It also became increasingly obvious that these devices served as the most effective tool in motivating the residents to meet expectations when used as a privilege to be earned. As can be expected, it was the greatest source of contention between caregiver and resident. Residents often proclaimed that access to their screens was a right and not a privilege. This seemed to be deeply embedded in the norms established for those residents in our care, and we wondered whether there was a discrepancy between them and their counterparts in more traditional family settings. Our time working in this residential setting led us to wonder whether this discrepancy is due to the increased structure required in a congregate home setting compared to the non-institutionalized, traditional home setting. By observation, the nature of this conflict seemed to be more intense, compared to alternate methods of consequences/privileges, when used as a tool for behavior modification. As we talked about this felt experience, we began to question what screen time represented in more traditional home settings.

Methods

We reached out to both caretakers and children/adolescents to explore and clarify the parent/caretakers' understanding of their relationship with their children in relation to managing screen time. The adult questionnaire gathered general demographic information and assessed if there was a common structure implemented to manage the use of screen time. We looked for typical perceived responses by children/adolescents to using screen time as a consequence and/or privilege, perceived risks, expectations, and concerns associated with screen time usage. We also asked about the motivation to allow screen time use and its effectiveness in behavior modification and the associated consequences in the parent/child relationship. The child/adolescent questionnaire also gathered general demographic information, and explored attitudes toward screen time being leveraged as a consequence and/or privilege. We then analyzed the adult surveys to find commonalities and discrepancies among parents and caretakers. The child/adolescent surveys were similarly evaluated. Finally, we compared the results of each group and noted the differences to further understand the congruences and inconsistencies in utilizing screen time as an effective behavior management tool. In getting this data, we hope to inform therapy provided to parents who feel anxious about how to raise their children, as well as to inform the treatment given to children in our offices.

What did we find out?

When we started to get our responses back from parents and children, the first thing to really jump out to us was the discrepancy between how parents viewed the ways they enforced screen time limits and how kids experienced enforced screen time limits. For example, when asked how their children reacted to losing screen time, parents generally reported that it wasn’t a major issue. One parent commented that there were tantrums, but that they “lasted only a few minutes” (JC). Another parent noted that her children generally “usually don’t take issue with … limits”, as they see it “as a privilege, not a right” (SS). They acknowledged basic dissatisfaction that lasted a moment or two, but that generally didn’t last much longer than a few minutes. In contrast, children reported that losing access to screens, be it television time, phone time, or computer time, was a felt loss that they dreaded. One 6-year-old commented that she “hated” having her screen taken away, and that it was “hard to get over” quickly.

Another clear trend that came out of the surveys was that, the older the child, the less likely they would struggle to get over losing screen time. This was especially clear when looking at the language used by the kids to describe their own experience of losing access to screens. Younger children used more abrasive language, tense with words that focused on the raw anger. One of the 7-year-old kids we talked to said they “feel angry” when they lose screen time and it “make[s] [them] want to do something wrong”. Another 7-year-old said they “act bad” when screens are taken away, implying that the bad acts were a direct consequence from losing screen time. Interestingly, older children described it more as an annoyance, with one 12-year-old saying she was annoyed, but “generally got over it relatively quickly”.

When asked about major areas of concern for their children, basic fears appeared to be drawn across gendered lines. When discussing their daughters and what they were trying to accomplish in setting limits, parents generally discussed bullying (either participating in or receiving) as the main area of concern. Parents seemed to focus on restricting access to screens as the main way of controlling against these situations from occurring. None of the parents we spoke with brought up ways that they were actively fighting against bullying, either online or in person, beyond asking about it and limiting screen time.

Concerns for the boys focused entirely around video games and pornography. The general fear was that the boys would spend all of their time playing games and lose their ability to build and create things using their imaginations. To take it one step beyond that, parents expressed fears that video games were making their children lazy, due in part to recognizing that their kids wouldn’t respond quickly to questions or tasks assigned if they were asked during video game time. The parental experience of this implied that their kids would more quickly comply with tasks when asked during other activities. Whether or not this is a result of parental bias is unclear.

As discussion turned to how best to handle screen time usage, parents were across the board on the same page – screen access needs to be limited without any consensus on how. When asked whythey wanted to limit access, answers seemed to lack any kind of real specificity beyond fears of laziness and stifling their children’s creativity. In the parents who were more permissive about the ways their children accessed screens, an underlying tone of shame or guilt started to show up. It wasn’t always big, and it wasn’t always expressed as such, but it could be seen in either playing down the quality of parenting being offered (“Screen time is an effective if inelegant solution” [JH]), or in making a joke about their response, betraying a failing on their part. One parent said “As long as homework and chores are done, I don’t mind him having whatever time he wants. Please don’t call CPS on me.” When asked why she asked us not to call CPS on her, she said, “I joke about CPS because I feel like I'm probably a shitty mom for unlimited screen time and bordering on abuse by not setting more boundaries.” (MH)

These responses underscored what felt like a basic lack of familiarity with the technology and what it was like for the children to use it. One parent, when talking about her reasons for limiting screen time specifically named video games as a major area of concern. She said she never could “understand the appeal of video games” (JC), and therefore wanted to limit her child’s access to video games as much as possible. Her reasons for disliking them came down again to laziness or a lack of imagination, though she didn’t express concerns about her children being sedentary by reading books, or being lazy and unimaginative by playing board games with their friends.

Another consistent worry associated with technology was bullying behaviors. Again, though the fear was expressed, there weren’t many declarations of what bullying behavior online can look like, how best to deal with it, or even whether or not conversations had taken place with their children about what bullying was and why it was a problem. It is possible that these conversations took place, but that the parents didn’t fully communicate that to us through our interviews.

As the children aged, parental attitudes towards screen time seemed to adjust across the board. Nowhere in our conversations or research did we find parents who became more strict around screen time usage as their children got older. It always loosened up, and always with the caveat that their kids could enjoy that added freedom as long as they were getting their chores and school work done. It is worthwhile to note that the parents were split just about down the middle in terms of whether they felt decreased levels of anxiety and guilt about these rules for change in usage.

When parents were dealing with institutionally sanctioned screen time, i.e. school assignments that required screen usage, expressions of anxiety and fears of technology harming their developing children decreased significantly. In one set of parents, their child used a screen starting at a relatively young age (2) for classes in an online pre-school. Another set of parents used screens to help their autistic child self-regulate, and did this with the recommendation of a doctor. It would seem that, if given permission to be permissive, parents will happily allow children to access screens.

Finally, a common thread that appeared in the people we spoke with was one of fairness. Most parents were aware of how other families let their children spend time with screens and tried to be mindful of some kind of undefined fairness while setting their own rules. For example, we spoke with parents in a blended family and found that the father had more lax rules about screen usage than the mother. Rather than the father tightening restrictions with the children he brought into the family, the mother loosened her expectations of screen time in the name of fairness. When asked what she wanted to do, she reported that she really wanted to keep her own children at the same level of access to screens, but didn’t think she could do that in light of the access her step-children were already given. She didn’t report having broached the topic of restricting screen time with her husband and his children.

Implications

In our research, we are cautious to offer broad, sweeping generalizations. We can only speak to what we saw in the people we spoke with, and we must take into account cultural, familial, and societal norms, as well as allow for individual experience. However, a few main points came up that are well worth exploring in a therapeutic context with the parents, children, and families that we work with.

The main implication we came across in our research is that parents and their younger children seem to exist on fundamentally different planes of reality when it comes to screen time and its role in daily life. This is especially true of younger children, who view screen time as more valuable than their older counterparts. When parents have described their fears around screen time usage (laziness, lack of imagination), it is interesting to note that none of the children felt like they suffered as a result of how much screen time they were allowed. None of the kids we spoke with felt like they were lazy or lacked imagination because they watched a screen.

This fundamental difference is key to understanding how to deal with screen time in families, because real solutions towards decreasing conflict within families around screen time can’t be reasonably enacted as they will always be addressing two fundamentally different ideas. For the children, they are losing what feels to them to be the main window through which they view and interact with the world. Their access to expression, entertainment, and information has been severed. Suddenly, according to what they’ve said as they’ve described the experience, they lose their connection with themselves and the world around them. They don’t seem to know who they are and who they can be. Such an existential threat is one worth fighting against. For the parents looking to encourage growth and development, severing screen time is simply seen as cutting off access to fun stimuli, akin to keeping their children from eating too much candy.

It is worth noting that the felt time to overcome losing screens for children was longer than adults reported it. Kids will feel like longer time has passed since losing access to screens than their parents will. It is not clear if this is a result of the children not having a clear grasp on how much time really passes or if it indicates an internal suffering greater than is revealed to the parents. If it is the latter, a child’s efforts to express this to their parents runs a real risk of coming across as “give me more candy, I want it” and not “I don’t know how to exist confidently without Doc McStuffins to help me make sense of the world”.

Another potential reason for this discrepancy could be that, because it doesn’t matter as much to the parents, they assume that it won’t matter as much to the children. Parents looking to help their children with screen time issues would do well to first examine their own biases towards screens and then find way to express those concerns with their children in age appropriate ways. Children operate on a logical wavelength. That logic isn’t always based in parental reality and objective facts, but it is certainly there. If the parents can access that logic in their children in a way that isn’t dismissive and diminutive, they can find themselves in a much better place to pass on their own values to their children while simultaneously opening themselves to being changed by the logic their children express around why they like screens and why they have such a hard time disengaging from them.

Younger children appear to have a harder time separating themselves from their screen time usage, but it isn’t entirely clear why that is. The difference in language between parents (“There are tantrums or moodiness, depending on the kid. Usually they get over it pretty quickly”, “Usually only a few minutes [of frustration], then they get over it.”) and their children (“I feel angry”, “I feel sad and angry”, “I want to act bad when I lose screen time”) used to describe their experience of having restrictions placed on screen time use could be a result of a more fully formed concept of the self that existed outside of what they saw on screen. In considering why older children reported having less difficulty with screen restrictions, it’s possible that they are simply more aware of their parents’ expectations that they be able to function without screen time. This could be a result of more time with their parents enforcing screen time expectations, making them less likely to verbalize their own dissatisfaction to an adult asking about their relationships with screens.

Parents are more okay with screen usage if it is sanctioned by an outside entity. Parents want to be able to trust that their children are using screens well, but seem unsure of their own ability to define those limits as being appropriate or not. It is our belief that more research needs to be done into how institutions like schools have an opportunity to provide information to parents about screen usage, including why they use them as much as they do, skills they are trying to provide to their children, and how parents can become more familiar with the technology. These tools properly dispersed to parents have the potential to provide them with the language and understanding of how to more effectively teach their children their own familial values and integrate screens into that value system.

Ultimately, there is a great opportunity for parents to discuss their values and fears for the loss of those values with their children. Parents want to help their children navigate the world around them, and this world is increasingly accessed online. Because screen use is so much more ubiquitous now than it was when most parents were young, they find themselves doing their best to make it up as they go along without really getting to know the technology in the same way their children do.

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