Boundaryless Boss - Chinn Up! - February 7, 2024

It's Wednesday which means it's time for another edition of 𝗖𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗻 𝗨𝗽!, a new LinkedIn series where I, a certified coach with 15+ years of experience in recruiting, training, and talent development, answer your burning questions about career and mindset (and more) head-on! Be sure to hit that subscribe button and share with your network - let's make this a journey to the top, together!

Today we're talking about how to establish boundaries with an emotionally volatile boss. Read on for my take:

Dear Brett,

My boss is prone to emotional outbursts when things don’t go her way. She asks us to come to her when we are having issues but often responds with generic, cookie-cutter responses in a disingenuous tone, like “thank you for sharing” or “ I appreciate your transparency." When her solutions don’t seem to fit or work she always finds a way to turn it back on the employee and make them seem incompetent in some way. She lacks boundaries and often will do and say what she pleases regardless of others' feelings. I shouldn’t have to manage my manager's feelings during tough conversations. How do I avoid this?

Signed,

Exhausted Employee

Dear Exhausted,

Yikes! Working under a boss who explodes every time things go sideways sounds, well, unnerving to say the least. And who wants to be worried about navigating a minefield when you have more important things to do (like work)?

First of all, your boss' temper is not your fault. Ever heard the phrase "hurt people hurt people"? Your boss' reactions are a reflection of what's going on inside of her head, not you or your coworkers. Instead of internalizing blame, it's important to recognize that her outbursts may stem from personal challenges or anxieties. This doesn't excuse her behavior, but it can help you approach the situation with greater empathy and clarity.

While you cannot control your boss's actions, you can control your own responses and set boundaries. We teach people how to treat us, and this is a teachable moment for your boss. The next time she oversteps or throws a tantrum, channel your inner ice queen (or king). Take emotions out of it -matching her energy only adds fuel to the fire. Instead, stay calm, cool, and collected, and draw your shield. It's more than OK to say "I appreciate your feedback, but I'm not comfortable being spoken to like that." Then move on. Steer the conversation back to the issue at hand and the solutions you're proposing.

Once you've set a boundary, it's just as important that you reinforce them, because, frankly, she'll probably try to call your bluff. So stand your ground, keep your cool, and cordially but firmly remind her that you are worthy of respect.

In addition, I also recommend keeping records of specific instances where your boss displayed this behavior, including dates, times, and what was said. This documentation can be helpful if you need to escalate the issue to HR or another appropriate authority. You may also want to seek allies at work who can provide emotional support - or escalate these concerns to another supervisor whom you trust. You deserve to be heard, and a safe work environment is your right, not a privilege. (You may also want to seek the help of an external source like a therapist or career coach.)

Remember: You are not alone. But know that by staying calm, setting boundaries, and seeking support, you can manage these interactions and protect your well-being.

Note: If the situation feels unsafe or intolerable, prioritize your well-being and seek external help immediately. You deserve to feel safe and supported.

Try to Chinn Up, Exhausted. You've got this and I believe in you!

Brett

Want me to answer your question in a future edition? Drop your conundrum in the comments or send it to me via DM or email (brett@brettchinn.com). And please, let me know what you thought of today's newsletter in the comments. You can also book a 1:1 call with me here. Thank you for your support!