Confessions of a Harasser

I was badly harassed for two years as a junior lawyer. In my following job, I became the harasser.

I grew up in the legal profession in Malaysia, where harassment and leading by fear was the norm. This mirrors the profession worldwide where 1 in 3 men and 1 in 2 women suffer harassment (the International Bar Association 2019 report on Bullying and Sexual Harassment in the Legal Profession). Ironic given that we stand for justice and fighting oppression. We treat our own pretty badly.

I bought into the belief that to be a good lawyer I had to be humiliated, shouted at and insulted - in typical lawyer style, delivered through sarcastic wit. I’d arrive at my desk every morning greeted by a pile of papers marked SEE ME, all my mistakes circled in red pen accompanied by words like “what were you thinking?!”, and to be told my legal opinions were worse than toilet paper. 

For two years, I would wake up every day with knots in my stomach and cold sweat. My heart would beat rapidly each time my harasser walked past my room, my inner voice whispering, don’t come in, don’t come in. I hated my job, I hated my workplace. I was ready to give up lawyering.

Then another job came along. A great firm, great colleagues. But I was still in a profession where senior lawyers believed they had to bully to lead. I was bullied less, but did I learn from my episode? No. I adopted the style of my tormentors - less extreme, but I had a mug full of red pens to correct (and insult) drafts of junior lawyers and pupils. It was a blue mug with a gold rim labelled “Law & Order”. 

I admired the older lawyers’ propensity of reeling out sarcastic insults. Because we were lawyers. We were clever. People were intimidated by us. I once had a famous musician come into my office for legal advice. I was nervous. To my surprise, he was practically shaking. I told my boss later, “he’s [famous person], who am I?” “A lawyer,” my boss replied. 

I was aware that younger lawyers were afraid of me. They were careful to do my work the way I wanted so they wouldn’t be scolded. Some enterprising young lawyer had a memo on How to Draft Agreements for Animah which was circulated in the Chambering Room. Some, fresh from law school, were cocky - at least in my eyes. I cut them down to size. Because that happened to me. “Teaching” by fear and snide remarks was accepted. We called it “toughening them up” for the Big Bad World out there. I didn’t realise I was the Big Bad World, and could instead create one that was kind and accepting.

Unchecked, our egos grow huge. My family’s comments on my big head washed over me. Lawyers don’t tell off other lawyers for being wrong - instead they spar. It becomes a game. Each eager to win the argument (even if we don’t agree with it). We aren’t given to inner reflection. Until something knocks us on our big head.

Joining Oil & Gas

That something was my first boss after leaving the profession and joining Oil and Gas. In my first week, I had made my direct report cry. Let’s call her Gina. It was her first job. I was her first boss and she’d been excited to work for me. I didn’t find her work up to scratch. Instead of supporting her and training her, I did my typical “paper drop” on her table and made a snide remark about people “like her”. She came from a rich background and I decided she had it too easy, not having been baptised by fire in a REAL law firm. Well hun, I’m here to teach you the ways of the real world.

That evening, after most people had left, my new boss called me into his room. He was general manager and highly regarded in the industry. After a brief chat, he got to the point - “I heard Gina was crying in the toilets today, did you know that?”

I paused. I had never made anyone cry…. because no one had ever told me.

My boss told me what she had said to the person who found her crying, and how hurt she was.

My inner dialogue was going nuts. I had undergone agony for two years and she can’t handle one remark?! Try working in a law firm! I didn’t go crying in the toilets. I know now that my mind had gone into defensive victim blaming mode. Instead of reflecting on my own behaviour (never easy), I was finding comfort in making it her fault. If she was good enough, I’d never had said anything nasty. 

And then, a kinder part of me (perhaps the good angel on my right shoulder) whispered, you made her cry.

My boss asked, “What did you say to her?”

Self preservation screamed in my brain. Do I downplay it, do I lie, plead ignorance? How much do I tell him?

I decided to be honest. I wasn’t going to start this relationship with a lie. Besides, I felt guilty. I told him what I said.

My boss took a deep breath. Looking back, I wonder what was going through his mind. We’ve discussed this incident many years since. 

He said, “I don’t know how it is in law firms, but in Schlumberger, that’s not how we behave.” He explained how leaders were expected to behave and this was important because, “Animah you are a leader.” He talked about Gina and how I should lead her, help her learn. He didn’t dwell on my wrongdoing. He could see his message had hit home and now he was focusing on building me up so I could build her up.

True leadership, which stays with me till today.

Had I not had Jamal (I know he is happy for me to share this story) knock me on the head right on the start - would things have gone pear shaped? Would I have continued to bully Gina and others around me to the point HR would have been hauled in, where I would have been warned, counselled or even gone through a disciplinary process? I know of people who have done less than Senior Lawyer-type behaviour, and been disciplined. I know of harassers in senior levels, who weren’t lucky enough to have a Jamal, only to be walked out the door.

Advocating Harassment Free Workplaces

Gina and Jamal set me on a turning point. Our company rolled out the Harassment-Free Policy and I was tasked to implement it in the countries under my watch. I said to my Dubai boss (who knew all about the Gina incident), “you have got to be kidding me.” He laughed. Who better than a reformed harasser?

This is my story. I have been a victim, a harasser and now an advocate. Why I so passionately believe in changing workplaces - from toxic environments to environments where every employee feels respected, valued and empowered.

After rolling out the policy, men who were older than me began to confide in me. One told me how he nearly quit after his first year working on oil rigs in the 80s. He was a young Sarawakian terrified of the American roughnecks who “uttered the F word every sentence”. Fortunately he stayed and rose up in the American company he worked for. Americans who were liberal with their language would seek advice on how to behave. They didn’t want to upset “the locals”. I explained, you’re hurting other Americans too - they just don’t tell you. 

I’ve linked bullying to silence in the face of wrongdoing. BBC and Jimmy Saville. Volkswagen and Dieselgate. Tesco and its falsified accounting. Each of these cases mention bullying and ruling by fear. 

What About False Accusations?

I’ve written about sexual harassment. Yesterday I wrote about the need for sexual harassers to reflect on their actions. The response has been interesting - particularly from men - who feel I’m being unfair and bias. One said I needed to reflect on what I said, throwing my words back at me. And I have. It’s the reason I’ve shared my story here. When someone - in my case, my boss - tells me I’ve harassed someone, I first need to reflect on what I did and acknowledge the hurt I caused.

Because here’s the Inconvenient Truth: If someone tells you, you hurt them, you did. As awful as it sounds, as right as you feel you are, the impact of your actions is - someone is hurt. And they feel far worse than we do at being accused. 

As I reflect on my own life as a bully, I try to explain it away by saying, hey it’s the environment - everyone was like that, or I survived, so will these softies. I tweeted a thread this morning about a guy I knew from university days who was the “ringleader” of a group of bullies. When I got to know him better, years later, he turned out to be a really nice guy. He was ashamed of bullying my friend. It made me question again, was it being in university that made him feel he had to look cool and be a “real man”?

Or were we drunk on our Little Bit of Power? 

What is in our own selves that we feel the need to control another person? To the extent we bully or sexually harass them? Inadequacy? Unhappiness? Fear at being found out? 

What if we move away from our defensive ego to one that truly reflects and dares confront our darker nature. Going deep and realising, I’m not the good guy. I have done bad. If we can’t see our own darkness, how do we mature and evolve?

When I started writing about sexual harassment, people wrote to me. Mostly victims. How their harassment caused anxiety, depression, loss of jobs, livelihood - almost all of them shared their trauma - not by their harassers but by their employers, family and colleagues - not being believed, being told it was their fault, feeling all alone. One of them was Jan Cruickshank who tells her story on video here.

It’s hard not to read the same stories, told by so many women (and men!) and want to scream at someone who says “what if the accusation is fake?” And I’m sorry, it’s only men who have said this to me. Their experiences have been different from women. It's why I want to get more testimonies out there. Once we understand the pain victims feel, we will change. Harassment. Sexual Harassment - is endemic in our workplaces and educational institutions. There are stats. Look them up. Who is creating this, enabling this? US! Who can stop this? US. So let’s reflect on our behaviour, what we are doing in our workplaces and take a long hard look at ourselves.

We Create Our World

We shape our families, our communities, our workplaces, our institutions, our nations, our world. Let’s ask ourselves one simple question. Am I co-creating a Big Bad World, or am I co-creating a world where people feel safe and are able to shine?

And Gina?

She shone. Today, she heads legal departments.

With support from Jamal, and Keng Heng (my Dubai boss), I learnt how to be a leader that lifted her, not bring her down.

What world do we want to see? 

Let’s co-create.

I am part of LeadWomen's conference on Harassment "It's Not OK" on 14-15 October in Kuala Lumpur. Do join us and learn about harassment and how we can address it.