CONNECT, BEFORE YOU CORRECT!

Donald Miller once said, “When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.”

Relationships are foundations of our lives – and more often than not – we focus on ‘correcting’ others rather than ‘connecting’ with them. Often, we judge others with our shades of perceptions, instead of empathising from the backgrounds or experiences they could be coming from.

Just like any other thing in life, in relationships too, one golden rule that seems to work is to give first rather than expecting to receive. Two most important things anyone expects from others is – feeling of being wanted and validation – and all this may need from your end is compassionate listening and understanding situations from standing in the other person’s shoes. As Anthony Robbins, a leading American philanthropist once said, “Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they’re trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.”

Bryon Katie – a revered life coach – propogates her thesis and way of looking at relationships through her platform and program – The Work. (thework.org). One of the popular tools she uses is called ‘Judge Your Neighbour Worksheet’ – where she pushes us to write a relationship (or life) situation that may be stressing us out, and put four questions to it:

1.      Is the situation true (Yes/no)

2.      Can you absolutely know that its true (Yes/no)

3.      How do you react, how do you feel, when you believe that thought

4.      Who or what would you be without that thought

Then she asks us to ‘Turn-around’ the situation and meditate on what is more truer – the original statement or the reverse of it. What this helps us to do is to ponder about alternatives to situations that may be more peaceful to us and we may be inspired to see the relationship in a new light. The core idea here could be to think deeper, without being judgemental, and that itself could help us see a relationship in a new light. Check out her website for much more implementation of this tool.

I recently attended one of the masterclasses by Robin Sharma on relationships and he talked about a simple tool – Red Apples Need Excellent Fertilisers – where starting letter of each word denotes the magic ingredient of successful relationship:

·        Real: It always pays to be your real self – if you really wish a relationship to nurture in the right manner. Its ok to be vulnerable, then to be fake – for the latter will only come back to haunt us.

·        Authentic. Be authentic while interacting and dealing with others. Have well sorted out purpose; live and interact the way you actually want to make a difference to someone’s life; be true to the value that you want to bring on board.

·        Nice. Once again, it pays to be nice. Sometimes a prince may die without anyone crying after him, but a pauper may die with thousands praying for his soul – and the only reason for that would the pauper being nice to others. You do not have to be rich to be nice, but you will be richer in relationships if you decide to be nice.

·        Ethical. Yet another critical aspect of being true in a relationship. It may take years to build your reputation, but just seconds to dispel it all if your ethics become questionable. Do not do anything which would adversely impact your name – since you almost invest your entire life building it up.

·        Fun. Remember to take things light and have fun. Sharing lighter moments with others builds up your community and opens the truer selves of people around you.

Finally, here are some easy to follow commandments for building great relationships:

1.      Be the most positive person around: Positivity begets positivity. Be in the room to inspire others, to leave whomever you meet to be better than what they were, to spread cheer and encouragement – and you will then start becoming a natural magnet for others and for success

2.      Underpromise and Overdeliver: Learn and work to overdeliver on the expectations that you set with others. Remember, people always mark you for the value that you deliver – and if you can try to go few notches up – you will automatically start building more trust.

3.      Using Thankyou and Please: This may seem to be just a small tip, but in today’s age where people and needs are attention-deficient – use of simple niceties such as Please and Thank you can definitely earn you some brownie points

4.      Punctuality: Your commitment towards time shows a part of your character and seriousness. Learn to respect yours and others time.

5.      Speak Your Truth: Be authentic and do not cover yourself behind words and creating false impressions. Be candid, tactfully ofcourse.

6.      Be a developer of People: Try to focus on others’ strengths and share your insights and expertise to help them become better in them. A leader becomes leader when he has been able to successfully evolve other leaders. Let your legacy be stronger, better leaders and kinder, authentic people.

7.      Be a great listener: Listening is one of the most important skill set that true leaders develop. If you can listen well, it opens up never explored avenues of any relationship for you – and can encourage you to become lot more emphatic, considerate and a great contributor to any person’s life you touch.

8.      Use world class language: Talk about opportunities, not problems. Talk about possibilities, not limitations. Be wary of the words that you use – and try to bring in as encouraging lingo as you can. Inspire, don’t despair. And your words are a powerful weapon with you to weave the magic of some amazing possibilities that you can bring alive.

9.      Make others feel special: You will be able to draw in millions of fans around you, if you can show that you genuinely care. In his popular book The One Sentence Persuasion Course by Blair Warren, he gives a very simple formula to persuade anyone – “People will do anything for those who encourage their dreams, justify their failures, allay their fears, confirm their suspicions and help them throw rocks at their enemies.” Its all about spreading hope and passing on the energy to others – and with this you will make bonds that will pass any age test.

10.  Don’t Gossip: Gossiping is waste of time as well as mental bandwidth. Not only that, it influences your long term thoughts and focuses your energies on negative attributes of others – inadvertently bringing these unto yourselves. So avoid getting into such attention killers and spend your bandwidth in spreading positivity.

Concluding on a hearty quote by Robert Brault, an American operatic tenor, “In the end there doesn’t have to be anyone who understands you. There just has to be someone who wants to.”

The above is an extract from a chapter in my book UNBLOC: 21+ Attitudinal Hacks to Unblock Success. Please order your coy from www.buildyourownpaths.com or bit.ly/UNBLOC