Conversation Secrets for Tomorrow's Leaders

Writing has healing powers. My second book, My Best Friend, Seven Steps to Repossess Your Inner Riches, Change and Happiness, will be released in the next couple of weeks. Moreover, I will be sharing the different experiences I had over the past six decades. My Best Friend will share the seven steps that helped me overcome obstacles and ascertain success. The book will have seven chapters; Transformation, Resilience, Identity, Unity, Mindset, Purpose, and Honesty. 

Today's Newsletter is an interview I did with the Co-Author of Conversation Secrets for tomorrow's Leaders, Stephen Hamilton Clark. I have known Steve for 25+ years and always enjoyed an open conversation with him.

Steve has the unique combination of CEO experience and Executive Leadership & Mentor Coach expertise. He focuses on developing future-fit leaders through his global coaching practice, The 18th Camel Ltd. In addition, as a Partner & Head of Faculty, he trains Leaders as Coaches through The Henka Institute. An International Coach Federation accredited program. Steve is a Canadian and British citizen born in Dubai, fluent in French, and educated worldwide. I am sure he will add lots of value. 

Here is the Interview: Conversation Secrets for Tomorrow's Leaders.

Khalil: Good afternoon from London. And thank you for joining me, Steve. Good morning in Canada. So, it's early morning in Vancouver. The weather is lovely. Are you going to Whistler for skiing soon or what?

Steve: I don't know about that. I think I'm just going to take it easy and enjoy the mountain walks offered at this side of the valley. 

Khalil: Excellent. So again, thank you so much, Steve. We're going to have a quick discussion about the conversation secrets for tomorrow. But before we do that, it would be great. Just tell us a bit of yourself, your background. 

Steve: Okay, well, I'll tell you, first, thank you for hosting this and doing this discussion around the book and much appreciated. Before being an executive leadership and mentor coach, I was a CEO within a big multinational.

Seven years ago, pack that in and move into this new career. And over the course of the coaching and training that I've had. 

However, as a CEO, we have to recognise that everything we do is conversations, similar to the ones we are doing right now. So, it's incumbent on leaders to be aware of how they show up in their discussions. Words change worlds. 

I meant, Martin Luther King says I have a dream. Now had he said, I have a plan, not quite the same excitement. And so, over the course of the last few years and bumping into and getting to know a couple of other coaches who have become very close with, we recognise the need to share our wisdom.

On some secrets that are in plain sight, and yet we end up coaching a lot around it with our clients in terms of being able to help them connect with their audience more effectively in terms of creating a sense of trust, a sense of connection and a sense of collaboration.

And so, with Mindy L. Gewirtz and Carrie E. Gallant, who am I, co-author? We came up with this book. So primarily based on our experience as coaches and bringing in the CEO piece into it, lots of examples in the books of how conversation secrets show up in leaders. 

Khalil: That's great. Just for the sake of the conversation. I had known Steve for twenty-five years when I was in Dubai and then when I moved to Saudi and then when he moved back to Canada, I moved to the UK. We kept in touch.

I think by sharing your wisdom, as you've mentioned, sharing your experience with leaders. I think this is something that puts them in the right mind. Because in many cases, you've mentioned words and words are the mightiest weapons because the same word, the way you use it could either make a move forward holds you back.

So that's quite an interesting word or sentence, which I appreciate. We don't have lots of time to go through the whole book. Still, I'll highlight the points that made lots of sense for me as a corporate man and have been in different positions, as a business coach and as a person, and obviously in my forthcoming book in the next couple of weeks; these are things that mean to me. The first one is integrity. In chapter one of the conversation, there are three points. 

Integrity is essential; it sets a precedent for where we'd like to go. It makes the conversation authentic, and it establishes that trust. And this is very important in any conversation, whether it is between the leader and subordinates or a leader to leader, or as a thought leader, it is about managing expectations. Where are we today? Where we would like to achieve. What we would like to achieve or would like to go and how to go there. So, it's essential to set expectations. And the last point is honesty, not honest with others, but honesty with us. So, it's a secret one, four and six, because it's critical or vital to be honest with ourselves. The growth mindset would help us establish where we are, learn from the past, and do the appropriate activities to move forward. 

Steve: We hit on an interesting point right at the beginning here, which is, you know, how people connect and whatnot. It's twice as likely to go into a protect mode than a connect mode. So right from the start as a leader, our job is twice as hard as it needs to be because when we speak or when we're in the presence of people are more likely to go into that fight, flight, freeze into peace mode than they are into the: I trust you.

Open-minded. So, choosing the words carefully, the tonality, and the energy we show up significantly impact how people go. Now you've talked about trust, the chapter of faith, and the six, six or seven secrets there. And we've picked on three. The interesting thing about trust is that it lies. It exists when there's a sense of connection.

There's no trust or shallow trust when people are in a protective, protected state of mind. When they're in the safe form of mind, they've got a sort of cortisol running through their veins. It's the stress hormone, their mind tends to close, and they tend not to see the forest for the trees.

Steve: You know, integrity is part of creating that sense of trust in each of these secrets. We talk about it; we introduce a quote. I'll speak to the sections regarding secret number one and speak with integrity. And, and when we get people into that connected state of mind, the body then releases that hormone called oxytocin. Oxytocin is the bonding hormone, the love hormone. It's also the forgetful hormone. It's the one that allows people to forget things, to make room for new life. Interesting. Isn't it? 

Steve: So, when we are in a connected state of mind, people are more open-minded, more trusting, more accepting of new ideas, or at least discuss new ideas and then move forward into interconnection and collaboration. What is the quote for the secret? Number one says being pickable with your word, speak with integrity. Say what you mean. I avoid using the word to speak against myself or gossip about others. Use the power of your comment in the direction of truth and love. Besides, this comes from The Four Agreements, written by Don Miguel Ruiz.

Fundamentally, the number one piece that makes for an effective leader is what people look for in a leader. The sense of integrity is trust that what they say is trustworthy and willing to follow them. And Warren Buffet, the Sage of Omaha, we mentioned him in our secret here, he only looks for three things in leaders when looking in his investments.

Of course, he looks at financials, but he interviews all the people. What's the number one thing he looks for in integrity. Can I trust this person? The next thing he looks for is intelligence. The exciting thing about integrity is that it goes back to the caveman times. When you're out hunting for a sabre tooth tiger, you catch the sabre tooth tiger, and you could be with the best, the best hunter in the world. But the second sabre tooth tiger shows up, and this best hunter in the world says he is a bit tired and gets scared and runs off. And you're left on your own with the kill and this new sabre tooth. It is about being associated with the right person. You would rather be with a hunter that doesn't hurt as well, but you can trust to stick around.

Furthermore, this refers to somebody who got my back, and that's what integrity is all about. So absolutely, it's a big word. It means a lot of different things to a lot of other people. And it falls into this category of trust. And it is incumbent on leaders to sit back now and again and reflect on how they show up.

Khalil: I agree. And this is quite important even for the team that works for you because of integrity. They are always suspicious, and if you don't have that sort of integrity, we'll be looking for when to quit this job and go somewhere safer because they know that at the end of the day, yes, financials are essential, but also, it's about security.

You talked about the caveman and going to our initial sentence, and security is in our instinct. 

Steve: I mean, funnily enough, when you meet somebody new for the first time, the body automatically the brain is seeking two things right up front. It's. Can I trust this person? Yeah, first question. 

And the next question is; how competent they are? The first thing is can I trust the person. It's just innate in us. 

Khalil: From your experience as a CEO, I would like to understand the person behind the book. And this is quite important, even for everyone that will be listening to this podcast. 

Steve: There were two other authors that I co-authored the book with, Mindy L. Gewirtz and Carrie E. Gallant.

Khalil: I don't know them. I know Steve. Yeah. At the same time, you were mining your CEO's mind where you were heading this vast company based in Dubai, overlooking so many different markets. You had five hundred employees underneath you. How did you manage that and manage their expectations? I know you're not into the day-to-day. You have managers that will deal with that. You just inspire them. But even though did you make any mistakes? Let's start from there. What the CEO did you do?  

Steve: Absolutely, the biggest mistake was thinking I knew everything and leading from the top. So, I was very much a command and control. Okay. And in 2009, 8, 9, when the economic crisis happened, our business took a hit like many businesses, but ours took a more significant impact than it would normally. I realised that it took a bigger hit because the sense of trust in the company wasn't quiet. It was me leading everything, and it was my way or the highway type of thing. And I'm exaggerating, but maybe not so much. 

Khalil: We are human at the end of the day but thank you for your honesty and integrity in there. 

Steve: And that was the biggest eye-opener for me. And so, I looked in the mirror, and as Pogo said, I looked in the mirror and saw the biggest enemy. Me. So, I publicly went out and spoke to the entire team and citizens.

You know, the biggest problem in this organisation is me and the way I lead and going forward, I'm going to leave with more transparency, which is a big piece in trust. More open communication and, more importantly, spread the leadership across the company. So that's what we did.

And we created an executive team on SLT senior leadership team. We spread the leadership across that team, and management became shared rather than commanding control. So, we've collapsed that pyramid to create a greater sense of integrity in the organisation.

To be honest, focusing on our three extensive chapters in our book, the 21 secrets, seven secrets in each chapter. First, one's all about connecting, connection or trust. And then when you got the faith, connecting with people and then creating a sense of collaboration.

That's the model I followed back in 2009, and it worked well. And, within 18 months, we were back up to where we were before, indeed in terms of numbers. We had terrible employee satisfaction scores, yet within 18 months, they were seven points higher than the global average for the company. And I think, again, this comes back to admitting mistakes. Be honest, be accountable, stand up. 

Khalil: This is extremely interesting since, in many cases. It is essential to understand that it's not the book's cover. It's the person behind the book; you are an integral part of this book. Then, of course, there are the other co-authors, but you are an essential part of the book. So, it's always good to connect to that deep end, that personality, and how they react? What sort of mistakes have they made, and how did they move forward.  

Steve: Well, I mean the big piece in there, back in that 2009 example, and secret number four is about managing expectations and listening to people to hear what they have to say and getting that feedback, and setting the boundaries of what's possible and not possible today, or what's possible tomorrow and after tomorrow.

So, the managing expectations piece is vast in conversations with others. And if I can, Khalil, you're talking about the work conversation, secrets demand behind the book. The exciting thing is many people. May read this book and say, oh, it's about how I have a conversation with other people.

Each of these secrets is also about how you have a conversation with yourself? And that's where change starts, Leo Tolstoy said, you know, everybody thinks of changing the world, but nobody thinks of changing themselves. So, when we wrote the book, it was very much about, well, look at yourself and the conversations you're having with yourself and then bring that out into the public with others. 

Khalil: I chose the chapters or the secrets that resonated with me. 

Steve: The trust ones, all the ones in trust in the chapter. 

Khalil: It's a personal choice, to be honest because every one of us has different values of different tick elements in terms of personality. At specific times, we've dealt with things in a way; if it were today, we would have dealt with it differently, but for the sake of time and that specific time in life, I think those were the best choices that we have made.

Steve: With the knowledge available. 

Khalil: And this takes me to secret number 13, expressing your thoughts positively. Voice your opinion, good question, or not a good question, express your thoughts freely; It helps positive attitude. It also helps the brain to improve. Hence, we are open to new learnings, which is quite essential. What made you put this? Secret 13. What does it mean to you personally? 

Steve: Secret number 13 for those who were suspicious. The reality is that you can be a tough demanding boss, and your tough love and take difficult decisions if you will, and still be positive in how you show up. Positive energy is a lot more attractive, at least in the long term, than negative energy.

There's a couple of things here. First, studies have shown that positive statements are estimated to be understood, 30 to 40% faster than negative. So right off the bat, what are the words you choose? And the English language is incredibly harmful damaging, don't forget as opposed to remembering and bringing that story alive, or this constitute using positive words.

We start the secret with a story about two kids climbing a tree and the mother for each. There's a mother for each of the children watching, and they see this vast massive sort of gust of wind, or they feel this huge gust of wind coming. And one of the mothers screams up to her child, hang on tight. And the other mother calls to her child, don't fall. And then the gust of wind comes by, and guess what happens.

Indeed, the child who doesn't fall heard the modifier, just the word fall. You know, fall and fell. Whereas the kid that sort of hangs on tight. I stayed in the tree, and that's just the way the brain works. We're not even aware of it. It's just how the brain works. 

I love this chapter; there is a magical feeling we experience within the company of positive leaders? They just make us feel better; somehow, they nurture this mindset that we have in our heads, happy. And they help us see possibilities in business and life. And the exciting thing about a positive attitude, you tend to be more in your prefrontal cortex. And that's where the world of possibility lies. It's where integrity, empathy, trust, and many other positive components lie.

So that's why it's essential to express your thoughts positively. It's to be able to stay in your prefrontal cortex. 

Khalil: It's good that you've mentioned. The brain does not process the word, only the positive comments. So don't forget; it means to fail, and don't fall means fall. 

Out of curiosity, like 20, 30 years ago, mind your language, a comedy program, but the word mind is significant, the way we use it. A single word you've mentioned here, handle them carefully. For comments, they have more power than atom bombs. The comments are mightier than the sword because they can move you, they can elevate your spirit, they can make you do wonders that you can move mountains with words if you have that energy and enthusiasm, 

Steve: You can create a connection, right? And that's where this, this, the secret lies in the chapter connections. 

Khalil: Thank you for your honesty in sharing how your leadership was. That is okay because many leaders are about the same, but staying at that mountain of arrogance or whatever you want to call it. Knowing all and not doing something about it. That's the worst thing that can ever happen. But you've done the opposite, and you've moved along, and you've changed.

I want to touch on the last one, the language of collaboration. You've talked about perfection in a sense because let's go of the addicted being dried, and it's mostly, I'm perfect. I'm the ideal leader; I'm the perfect boss, which takes us back to the hill of arrogance. 

Steve: And forcing people into our protect state of mind.

That's very interesting. The language of collaboration, how would you briefly say with all those seven secrets, what would be the common denominator? 

I'm going to go to secret number 21 because it encompasses so much, and it's all about creating a climate for collaboration. 

And let's just talk about the climate for a minute. It's not even about the environment of collaborations. It just stops in the background. The most important question any leader can ask themselves.

When talking to our team, we need to check the climate I am creating or the environment in this room? Understanding the energy is the climate that dictates what will happen next. And when a leader can step back, slow down, step back, be observant of themselves, either as a helicopter view or what else is happening in the room and feel the climate, smell the environment.

They are in a much better position to sort of say, right, is this a climate of trust, or is this a climate of collaboration, or is this a climate of connection or is it a climate descent, or is it a climate of healthy debate or is it addictive? Is it not moving us forward?

When a leader does that, ask themselves what the climate that I'm creating or that I'm in right now is, they have the ability and skill to decide how they want to show up and how they want to adjust to the climate.

Sometimes, the best way to adjust to the climate is to adjourn for 10 minutes, take a break, and let people cool down. If it's in a hostile environment or a natural high flow environment and things are moving well, maybe you stay in that high flow. 

And then a big piece for the climate is checking in.

Just check in for understanding. We think we all see life through a different lens. So, when we're speaking, we tend to assume that others, and it's a big blind spot that others understand what we're trying to say. So, every 5, 10, 15 minutes, whatnot. So, check in on the climate, checking on the energy.

Indeed, when I'm doing coaching, I will check in and say, okay, so what's happening for you so far? What are you taking away? What's the energy like right now?, How are you feeling? So, I mean, there are many ways of checking in on the climate. So, number one, leadership question.

What climate are you creating? 

Khalil: Steve, it was a fantastic session; I think lots of value. And as I say, golden nuggets, silver bullets, whatever you want to call it, 

Steve: I like the golden nuggets or golden secrets. There we go.

Khalil: Thank you so much for today, and I'm looking forward to your second venture.

Steve: I am looking forward to reading your book. To be honest, I mean, yeah, absolutely, we can switch roles.

Khalil: It's in the final stage. So hopefully, we'll be out in the next couple of weeks. I'm a bit behind schedule. I think launching it right is better than just throwing it. 

Steve: Well, hey, you know, the book conversation secrets for tomorrow's leaders, it's available on Amazon and doing quite well, I might add, so I already encourage people. Go out and buy it, go out and buy it. 

Steve: Thank you, Khalil. 

Khalil: Thank you.

#Transformation, #Resilience, #Identity, #Unity, #Mindset, #Purpose, Honesty